Monday, December 17, 2007

Attempting to take a Christmas photo

The one we thought would turn out the best, but it was horribly blurry.


This one we even got Henry in, but he's about to claw off Jav's leg. We really wanted to get all the pets, but discovered that it is impossible. And blurry. What's the deal?


Here's the happy photographer and one subject while everyone was still in a semi-good mood.



We might have used this one if not for the chair behind Jav's head making him look sort of Frankenstein-ish. And it's blurry. You can tell Gabriel is already losing patience by now.




We thought about using this. It was the best picture anyone took all day. Zoe always photographs well.




This is poor Molly after about the 10th try.




The last attempt - Gabriel is so fussy and sleepy by now, Molly looks like she's taking a bite out of my arm (can you blame her at this point?), and, once again, it's blurry.


We discovered afterwards that the camera had lost all of it's settings when Jav replaced the battery the day before. But by then we were all just too tired and cranky to try anymore. I'm going to try to get a good one of Gabriel today. If not, our Christmas cards may be pictureless this year. Moral of the story: Get started earlier than the week before Christmas next year.



Saturday, December 15, 2007

A couple of music notes

Jav and I are addicted to America's Next Greatest Band on Fox. It's a guilty pleasure, of course, but we've been surprised just how good the bands that have been competing are. Jav's favorite is a really good Eagles-type rock/country band called Sixwire, made up of 40-ish good looking guys (which is not the reason Jav likes them). My original favorite was a band of gangly 20-somethings whose specialty was Beatles-type British pop called Tres Bien. They were eliminated two weeks ago, so I had to choose a new favorite. I am now pulling for The Clark Brothers, three actual brothers who grew up on the road along with their 8 other siblings while their evangelical preacher father moved from revival tent to revival tent. I guess their main label would be bluegrassy gospel, but they play and sing with such fire and such soul that you really can't help but feel something rise up within you when they play. Both bands have made it to the finals, which are next Friday night, along with another really good HUGE big band, with horns and everything, called Denver and the Mile High Orchestra. I really hope they do well after this contest is over, because they seem like such nice guys, and because they played a smokin' version of September by Earth Wind and Fire last night, which just happens to be Jav's and my song. But my money and my heart go with The Clark Brothers.

Another show I've been DVR-ing is Crossroads on Country Music Television. This is a show where two artists, usually from different genres and always fans of each others' music pair up for an hour of talking and performing. It's always a good show, but last night we finally watched the best one we've seen yet - Bonnie Raitt and Lyle Lovett. It was true magic. The stories behind their songs were very poignant. Lyle Lovett seems like such a nice guy, and there's something so real about his music and his voice. And Bonnie Raitt's voice just gets more syrupy and perfect with age. Her guitar playing isn't too shabby either. I'll always regret that I missed her show at Bass Hall, but maybe someday she'll come back. I hope to be there if she does.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

My 200th post

Ever since I started categorizing my posts, I've been subtracting my pictures to keep track of my actual word postings so that I'd know when I hit this milestone.

I wasn't sure what to write about for such a monumental occasion, and I was going to do a sort of a Christmas letter and sum up the past year. But the circumstances of the last 24 hours have led me to want to write something alot more personal and spiritual.

Do you believe in ghosts? Or Heaven? Or at least that our loved ones who proceed onto the next plane before us are still around? What about reincarnation? I would have said no way to these questions years ago. But now I must admit that I sure do like the idea of it, and this may have something to do with getting older. But the first time I considered reincarnation was just after my maternal grandfather died. I had never lost anyone close to me before, (other than my paternal grandfather who died of a heart attack when I was 7). Ever since then, no family, no friends, no pets. I was walking Stanley around the apartment complex I was living in, and this blue jay kept showing up every time we took our walk. I got it in my head that it was Bapaw, coming back as a bird he always complained about, which I thought was kind of funny and ironic. But no matter how crazy it sounds, the idea made me feel so much better and really helped to ease the pain.

The event that really made me start wondering, though, was our wedding. When we started to take pictures, this little stray cat appeared out of nowhere and seemed to want to be in the group pictures. She actually made it into a couple. Then even stranger, when Jav and I were having some taken of just us, the little cat kept wanting to crawl in my lap. Several people afterwards told me they believed that cat was my maternal grandmother, which almost made me fall over because that's what I had been thinking that whole evening. Mamaw would have had to find a way to be at my wedding - she wouldn't have missed it for the world.

And finally, after Gabriel was born, we noticed him doing a strange thing every now and then while lying on his changing table, sometimes crying (he couldn't have been more than 2 or 3 months old or so). He would stare at the ceiling and start to smile. There were no shadows, or ceiling fan, or any movement that Jav or I could see. But he seemed to be really watching something or someone. I liked the idea that maybe that was one or some of his great-grandparents, stopping by to smile down at him. He still does this every once in awhile, and he will go from an all out scream to very quiet and still, then to a smile. And just last week, he was in his high chair and looked down just like one of the pets had come into the room, held up some food, and started his dog talk. But I didn't see anyone. Maybe Stanley dropped in for a quick hello.

I know all of these ideas are probably just things to comfort me and make me miss people or pets just a little less.

So last night, when we knew that Fred had stopped eating for a day again, and seemed to have a fever, I had to rely on all of these things to come to terms with realizing he was too sick to go on. I believe in the power of prayer, but don't normally pray for specific things for myself. However last night I prayed for some kind of miracle to help Fred. But, sadly, he still couldn't eat this morning. We took him in, and the vet listened and understood. He can never make that decision for a pet owner, I guess, but I got the feeling he knew I was making the right decision. When Fred left our world in my arms, all I could do is hope and pray with every fiber of my being that he's now somewhere where he's happy and his mouth doesn't hurt, and he can grow big and strong, and be outside and climb trees and hunt bugs. I hope this very moment he's doing all the things he couldn't do during his short five years in our world. And I hope I meet up with him again to look into those blue-green eyes and scratch that sweet little face. Maybe he can even take a nap with me curled up on my chest. Somehow, someway, I have to believe.


Farewell little Fred

Freidrich von Fluffball, a.k.a. Fredley, a.k.a. The Grey Ghost, a.k.a. Frederico, a.k.a. Little Bitty
May 2002 - December 2007

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Tipping is not just for cows anymore

Every time (and we're talking about once a month, if that) I go through a Starbucks drive-through and see that tip jar, I get SO mad. What exactly are they doing that makes them think they deserve a tip on TOP of the outrageous prices they charge for grinding and whipping up a couple of beans? And why don't I see a tip jar at other drive-throughs? I get so mad that I almost make it past my nervousness that they might spit in my tall Chai before handing it over. But even that doesn't manipulate me into leaving a tip.

The daily grind

Lately I am getting very burned out trying to figure out what to have for dinner every night. I love to cook, although my desire to spend a long time in the kitchen preparing anything is gone now that I am using up my energy chasing a toddler around. I try to spend around 30 minutes tops during the week, then one night out on Saturday, then a little more involved or special meal on Sunday.

But trying to eat healthy on a budget is taking it's toll on me. Sometimes I just stare into space when I'm supposed to be thinking of menus the night before my big grocery trip. I have a sectioned notebook where I try to jot down any recipe or meal combination that we like. And I have a great Betty Crocker quick meals cookbook, and a huge recipe binder filled with ones I've either tried and liked or would like to try someday. The last few months though, I don't even want to flip through them.

One thing I've gotten better about, though, is looking through my pantry, fridge and freezer before making my list to take full advantage of eating up stuff we already have. I've noticed a HUGE difference in the amount of food that gets thrown away. I've also done better about planning multiple meals using an ingredient if a recipe only calls for a small amount of it, like a jar of roasted red peppers or Kalamata olives, or a bag of spinach.

Last night we had a Cafe Madrid at home night. I attempted for the first time to make a Spanish omelet. I overcooked my potatoes (they were more like potato chips when I got through with them), so the result wasn't anything like the wonderful fluffy omelet from the restaurant. But I nailed the red peppers, goat cheese and capers, which almost made up for the crunchy omelet. Next time, along with knowing I need to cook my potatoes less than the recipe suggests, I also hope to find some white asparagus or saute some spinach. Or maybe we'll just head to Dallas for the real thing!

On a side note, Gabriel's appetite has become almost as unenthusiastic as my desire to plan menus. He just picks at his food, or plays with it. He's eating less than half what he used to, which I guess I'm glad to see. If he had kept going at the pace he's had up to this point, we would've had to start him on the South Beach Diet.

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Little Fred

We are having trouble with Fred's gums again. I was confused after he got some of his teeth pulled, thinking this problem was solved for good. But just after our Padre trip he started eating less and acting really skittish again, and sure enough the vet said his gums looked awful and he needed a steroid shot. Jav and I decided we'd start taking him again every 6 weeks to get a shot. His gums must hurt him really badly, because he stops taking care of himself - no grooming or anything.

Well, he didn't even make it a whole month. The week before last he just stopped eating. It was too painful. He didn't even try a couple of times, and I knew it was really bad this time. I took him in and he had a low-grade fever along with awful looking gums. I asked the vet (a wonderful man named Dr. Robert Norris-we've practically become family because I'm in there so much), what kind of damage the steroid shots could possibly do, especially having them so often. He said eventually Fred could develop liver and heart problems because of them. Sigh. So then I asked about whether pulling out all of his teeth would be psychologically hard, and he told me that because the gums are still really red even where his other teeth were pulled that pulling out all of his teeth wouldn't really make any difference. Sigh. Sigh. (with a few tears at this point). So Fred is pretty much screwed, I asked (not in those words). Yes, there's really no other treatment possibilities for him. More tears. Plus I was supposed to try and give him antibiotics to get his fever down. Good luck with all that!

The next day was Sunday, and I tried to crush the pill and mix it into Fred's food. He took two bites and walked away. I tried a couple of hours later to just poke it in his mouth and rub his throat so he'd swallow it. I thought this worked, but then Molly walked in the room and ate something that must have been the pill. And Fred was terrified and hiding under the bed. At this point I was so despondent I became hard to live with. My Mom helped me by suggesting that I forget about the pill for now and just make sure he starts eating again, and maybe nature will take care of itself and his fever will go down. I calmed down and Fred ate and ate.

Monday I was able to cut the pill in half and sneak it into two servings of Fred's food. And that worked all week long. He's had a great week. We've seen more of him than usual, and he's been playful. His coat looks wonderful too. I have to just take it a day at a time, and be glad that he's feeling good right now.

Friday, December 07, 2007

What's up with the weather

Gabriel and I just spent an hour outside, in our shorts, playing in 80 degree weather in December. Weird. But nice to be able to go outside and play!

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Road trip memories

This donation to our garage sale last summer (thanks Susan-but I kept this one for myself), prompted a belated posting regarding the Family Road Trip. It's amazing to me how this one thing prompted so many membories.

My parents used to take my brother and me on one or two road trips a year, either to stay with Texas relatives in Ingleside or Fredericksburg, or to Colorado in the summers once we were a little older. I remember stopping at two different retail outlets whose very existence depended on the Family Road Trip. One was Nickerson Farms and the other was Stuckey's, and one had a blue roof and one a red one (I don't remember which was which). Stuckey's sometimes had a snack bar, and Nickerson Farms had restaurants attached. I remember getting the BEST burgers there, old school style with thick bread slices instead of buns, and grill marks all over, and dripping with grease. Yum.

My brother and I were also allowed to spend a very thrifty sum on crap for the car at these establishments, and we took our role as consumers very seriously. I remember spending quite a bit on books like the one above. I also remember turning little cows and pigs upside down to hear the very unrealistic noises that were supposed to be moos and oinks, kitschy salt and pepper shakers, road trip bingo cards, every rainbow color and flavor of candy cane you can think of, lots of things to write on and write with, and alot of glass and ceramic items that I guess were meant to be gifts for whoever was waiting for you at your destination. (I always looked at that stuff as extra stuff to dust, and not much more).

I don't remember if Philip and I fought in the car very much. I remember we sang, as a family, early on, before I thought it was very uncool to do so. My parents bickered from time to time. I remember one particularly stressful trip to Colorado where my Dad got lost for awhile. We were all very hungry and apparently in the middle of nowhere in New Mexico. We accidentally drove onto an Indian Reservation somewhere around Taos where they were having a festival of some kind, but we were not allowed on the property. We finally stumbled on an old and not very well-stocked grocery store where we at least bought beverages and snacks to hold us over until we found civilization again. I think my Mom started speaking to my Dad again once we got to the Colorado border.

But I mostly remember fun times, especially on the way to the destination.

(posting from Belle Vernon, PA, where we're having a wonderful time)




Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Illness, injury and airline travel

The last few weeks have been a little rough around here. I got really sick (from bad allergies to a cold to a sinus infection then to bronchitis). I had a bad visit with a nurse practitioner who didn't prescribe the right medicines-she said antibiotics are overused and people are starting to develop immunities against them. I agree, except that I NEEDED antibiotics to get over it, and finally got some after I was close to coughing up a lung. Luckily, though, Gabriel didn't catch anything.

Around this same time, Jav started having pain in the back of his shoulder. By the end of the weekend, he was having major pain in his right arm and numbness in his fingers. Not good. I thought he might have pinched a nerve in his shoulder picking up Gabriel wrong or something. He got into to see a shoulder-specializing orthopedic surgeon, who said it looked more like it might be a problem with Jav's neck. So then he had to wait for an MRI, wait some more for the results and an appointment with a neck -specializing surgeon, who confirmed he had a herniated disc in his neck. 80% of the time the pain can be taken care of with a combination of steroid shots and physical therapy, so that's where Jav is headed, once all the doctors get back from their Thanksgiving vacations. In the meantime, he's trying to cope with some pretty bad pain and frustration with the medical community's general lack of concern.

In spite of all of this, we are bravely leaving for Pennsylvania tomorrow to spend Thanksgiving with our dear friends Dave, Barbara and their three kids. Dave and Jav met and were roommates at UT for graduate school. Jav's been for Thanksgiving almost every year for the last ten years (and I started joining him four years ago), but we didn't make it last year since Gabriel had just been born. I can't wait to get there, but the plane ride is worrying me. Gabriel is supposed to sit on my lap for three hours. HAH. He just wants to walk, walk, walk. We hope to tire him out at the airport before the flight leaves, which will help. Our magical and wonderful main solution is the purchase of a portable DVD player and several Teletubbies and Sesame Baby DVD's. We'll cook all day and have our huge midday meal Thursday, go see our annual Friday afternoon movie (The Bee Movie - yay!!), and head to a mall with all the kids on Saturday. And maybe have a nice kid-free dinner out Saturday night, if I can summon up the courage to leave Gabriel with their outstanding babysitter (they've had her for 5 years), and get over my worry about him falling down their basement and/or their second floor stairs. We usually come home on Sunday, but decided to stay an extra night, so Sunday should be a great lazing around, reading the paper and watching football kind of a day (something we NEVER get have the time to do here-always too much to do around the house). AND it's supposed to snow, which is so cool for Thanksgiving.

The only bad thing is that I will miss spending it with my family - but they know we'll be thinking about them.

Halloween-The Busy Bee




Tuesday, November 13, 2007

The Genie likes Brazilian today

I have a theory that when you put your Ipod on Shuffle, the little Ipod Genie inside takes over and picks out the songs for that day. The reason behind this theory is that some days I hear almost all country or big band, or 4 or 5 songs by the same artist within a one hour period. It just doesn't seem too random to me. The Genie definitely has moods.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

I can't keep up

Gabriel has matured in so many ways since he started walking I can't even keep up with them anymore. I never realized that opening that one developmental door would advance him in so many other ways. He can turn things on and off now, especially his noisier toys. He can open up certain doors in the house, which proves that he is getting taller by the day too. He can rip off his bib, which is his new clue to us that he is finished eating. It's been really amazing to watch how he fine tunes his communication skills, especially when it comes to what he likes and doesn't like. Anything he doesn't like is met with his very loud and whiny one syllable cry. This is his BAD noise. He has a much wider range for GOOD noises. Anything outside wins instant approval-it's all GOOD. Coming back inside is BAD. Putting on shoes and socks is BAD. Taking off shoes and socks is so GOOD it inspires giggles. Pasta, bread, cheese, peas, carrots, brocolli, sweet potatoes and all fruit is GOOD. Mushrooms, lunch meat, fish and cauliflower are BAD. In this case, the whiny noise is accompanied by a healthy toss of the offending food onto the floor.

The most interesting communication Gabriel has, though, is with the pets. Several weeks ago we realized that he has developed a language for Molly that he doesn't use with anybody else. It involves keeping his mouth closed while flicking his tongue off the roof of his mouth alot. This sounds a bit like Hindu chanting. We can't figure out if he is trying to emulate a barking sound, trying to say "Molly" over and over again, or if there is a deeper and more complex set of words being said. He has used this language around some of our neighbors' dogs, too, leading us to determine that it must be canine in nature.

On the opposite spectrum, his feline language is all very high-pitched, short noises. Mom hears this over the phone and says it sounds like a jungle bird, but I've decided to start calling it his Cat-Chasing Comanche War Cry. The most passionate of the cries come while he is actually chasing one of the cats, arms held out and slightly up. He especially likes to chase Zoe, probably because she will run away at first but then always comes back for more. She LOVES to play, even with a terrifying stumbling one-year-old.

So all in all, my child is now learning four languages: English, Spanish, Dog and Cat. Even though English still gets a little complicated sometimes. Every time we read Goodnight Moon before bed, we get to the pages that say "Goodnight stars, goodnight air", and Gabriel starts patting his head to tell his hair goodnight. The song from My Fair Lady, "Just you wait 'enry 'iggins, just you wait" always comes into my head when this happens. I knew all of that Harry Potter audio would turn him into an Anglophile!

Friday, November 02, 2007

The magic is over

I finally wrapped up Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows yesterday. I feel a bit like I have lost my best friends. But I loved the book. I have been thinking about why I like the series so much, and why I continue to try to get other adults to read it. I think it's because no other book or books have possessed me so since I was a kid. I have read many books over the years that I couldn't wait to open up at night, or that made me laugh and/or cry. But these books get into your soul. I could almost think about nothing else for the last few weeks. It's not just the complex world that Rowlings has created, but the complex characters and story. The black and white areas of "good" and "evil" have distinctive gray areas, and she wasn't afraid to tackle things like governments lying to their contituents, or media-bias. Sometimes people who seemed to be villains were actually heroes, and the heroes had many flaws when we got to know them better. I loved the concept of trusting and believing in your friends, especially in life and death matters. I love Hermione, with her love of books and learning and bushy hair - how could I not identify with her? Jav and I have been talking about the book over dinner every night (I was driving him crazy with all of my yes or no questions since he finishied the book weeks ago).

The only complaint I have is that I wish Rowlings could have published all the books before any of the movies were made. I like having the characters' faces in my head, but that's impossible once you've seen them in the movies. And the last couple of books had a tendency to seem like one fantastic movie scene after another. But this didn't take away from the narrative at all, to me.

I've been reading over my old posts in order to get everything labeled, and I came across this today. Well, I'm pretty impressed with Harry and his destiny, and with J.K. Rowling's vision. I can't wait to start reading them with Gabriel one day.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Padre trip

Even though the trip was not like I had pictured in my head, we had a good time on our beach trip. First off, I never realized how much work Jav and his parents did to spiffy up the condo each year. I tried to help out when I could, but still didn't feel like I helped very much. Secondly, the weather got pretty nasty the 2nd full day we were there. The front that hit Fort Worth made it all the way down south. The temperature dropped into the 60's with high winds, both of which made it pretty uncomfortable to stay outside for any length of time. Everybody thought to bring a jacket except me, so I bought a fleece pullover on one of our many trips into Port Isabel. One weird thing was that the ocean was really warm. We probably looked silly in our windbreakers and hats and shorts and flip flops, walking along in the water.

One of the cool things about the trip was the International Sandcastle Building competition, held at the Sheraton Hotel every year which is just down the beach from our condo. We took video of the winners since we didn't have the regular camera with us that first pretty day. Another cool thing was that I realized how much I like and get along with my inlaws. They have become family to me; they are such a big help with Gabriel, and I'm so lucky to have them. We all watched the finale of a Mexico-version of American Idol that they had been keeping up with, and we had such a good time together.

Gabriel has decided he likes the ocean. He was afraid the first day and preferred digging (ok-mostly eating) the sand on the beach. But that afternoon he watched a little girl who was a few months older than him playing in the water. She was a native and learned how to walk on the beach. I guess this made Gabriel think, "Well, if she can do that, so can I", and he liked the waves after that.

Jav and I got to have one dinner out, which was funny because we couldn't find a place to go. ALOT of restaurants close up on the island, so we went back over the bridge to Port Isabel, just driving around in the relentless wind looking for a good seafood place. We ended up eating at a big tourist trap right at the base of the bridge, but they had good food and good magaritas. One sad thing that happened was that there was an injured pelican hopping along on the bridge when we crossed back over. He apparantly couldn't fly, and I wanted to stop and help him somehow, but it was too dangerous to stop on the bridge. I thought about him for a long time, and hoped that someone else figured out how to help him that night.

When we left early in the morning to come back home, the full moon was shining on the bay. It was just beautiful and I was sad to be leaving the ocean. And on the way home we drove right through the Monarch butterfly migration route. For about 7 or 8 minutes we saw one every 15 to 30 seconds. They must have some pretty good radar because they seemed to float higher than the car whenever we approached. I think we only ended up hitting one of them, which made me feel so bad. I wondered how many people driving down that highway even noticed them. When I think about the thousands of miles they have to travel, the trip to Padre doesn't seem that bad after all.

Heading down to the beach.

Still not quite sure about this ocean thing.
OK-I've decided it's pretty darn fun.
Especially since I'm with Tita and Tito.

Chillin' in the condo.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Woof-wonderful

Mom and I took Molly and Hannah (her border collie mix) to the Fort Woof Dog Park for the first time today. (Why don't I ever think to bring the camera for things like this?) The dogs were a little nervous and didn't quite know what to think about being off a leash and allowed to run rampant with a bunch of other dogs. The setup there is great. There are several faucets with large buckets full of water under them for all the dogs to drink. And there are strategically placed baggie dispensers with wooden waste bins underneath to help pick up after the pooches. I was a little worried about Molly getting aggressive towards the other dogs, but her hackles only went up one time, and then she and the other dog must have worked something out. She actually stayed pretty close to me the whole time, so we never even made it back to the back of the park where the obstacle course area is. There must have been around 25 big dogs galumphing around at one point, and this was during a weekday! I can't imagine what the place is like on the weekends. I was having such a good time watching all the different breeds and being proud of my Molly-girl that I didn't really want to leave. But Mom pointed out that the girls were exhausted from all the stress of this first time, so we packed up and went home. We all can't wait to go again!

Monday, October 29, 2007

Walking on the beach

I had a mother's instinct that Gabriel would start walking on our trip, and lo and behold I was right. At exactly 13 months to the day he started taking 5 or 6 steps on his own to reach either his toys or his grandmother. If I can ever remember to walk in here with the camera I'll download the pictures.

And after our family get-together last Saturday, Macy and Cade inspired him to start making the trek across entire rooms. He doesn't want to stay in his room and play anymore, and has been waking up early so that he can start marching about the house again.

I can't even believe it when I look at him. What happened to my little baby boy?

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Busy Bees

We have been so busy lately, which is my excuse for not posting in such a long time. We had Gabriel's birthday party on September 29th. The following Wednesday, I had the book club over for dinner and discussion of ,"A Passage to India" by E.M. Forster. Then I was asked to help out with our Neighborhood Association newsletter when the woman who works on it dislocated her shoulder. I ended up over at her house helping six different days over the course of two weeks. A couple of those times I had Gabriel, who just decided to enter his, "I want Mommy, or maybe Daddy, and no one else" stage, which was fun to deal with. I've learned that a newsletter, or at least a good one, is alot more work than I realized! But I really enjoyed myself, met some wonderful ladies, and will hopefully get to help out some next month too.

We put up Halloween decorations the Sunday before last, which ended up taking almost all day, but we had a blast doing it. Then we went to Lufkin for the day to visit a family friend last Saturday (what a gorgeous day for a road trip), and finally celebrated Jav's birthday at his sister's on Sunday. We visited my friend Cobra Monday. We had our Neighborhood Association meeting Tuesday night. And now we are about to head for the beach (Padre) this coming Saturday, and I haven't even begun to pack anything yet.

AND in between all of this, I'm trying to listen to the last Harry Potter book in the car. My poor son will probably speak with an English accent for the rest of his life because I have been OBSESSED with finishing before we left for our trip. But the realization hit me today that not only am I missing out on some fun, quality time with Gabriel in the car, but also that I want to make this book last as long as possible. So with three and a half CD's to go, I am putting it aside until we return. Which took more willpower than anything I've ever tried to do, or not do, before.

Eventually I will get around to posting some Gabriel party pictures, Lufkin trip pictures, and hopefully we'll get some good beach ones too. Coming up after that we have Halloween, a trip to Fredericksburg with my Mom and Gabriel, and then somehow Thanksgiving has creeped up on us and we'll be heading off for Pennsylvania. Oh, and speaking of bees, that's what Gabriel's going to be for Halloween. I'm sure this will come up in one of his therapy sessions later in life, but he loves it when I make my bee buzz noise, so it seemed like the best choice.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

A low in the 50's

My thermometer said 59 this morning. Finally, a break from this Fall heat wave! I actually turned off the A/C and had the windows open all day, although it's pretty stuffy now.

The oak tree leaves are falling off much earlier than in years past. I read in Neil Sperry's column it's because of the severe drought for a few years, then a very rainy spring and summer. It's just wrong to have to rake leaves when it's above 80 degrees!

We've been watching the squirrels alot lately. They started out digging up pecans and eating them. Now they are burying new ones. They've gotten very bold about coming down from the trees into our yard, sometimes right in front of Molly. She usually ignores them, although once she immediately dug up the pecan that the squirrel had so carefully buried and ate it. Gabriel notices them all the time running across the electrical wires and moving around the tree branches.

All of a sudden, there are no cardinals in our yard. I did a tiny amount of research to try and find out if they migrate, and so far all of the sites say they are non-migratory. When I did the post a while back about seeing the hawks in our neighborhood and how neat they were, I should have done an addendum post. One of the neighborhood gentlemen who also walks in the mornings told me soon after I did the post that he can't stand having them in our area because they've taken to eating the cardinals and blue jays. These are the birds that stand out to them in daylight. I was pretty upset, and still am not really sure who to root for. After all, the hawks have to eat too. But they better not have come after the cardinals around our yard!

Friday, October 05, 2007

Introduction to the Great Game

We took Gabriel to his first Ranger game on September 22nd. He had a fan club of Jav and I, both grandmothers (Tita and Mamaw), and his Tia Sandie. Everyone in attendance loves to go to Ranger games, so hopefully the excitement rubbed off on Gabriel. We really debated about whether or not we should take him to the Saturday night game, or the Sunday afternoon game. We decided on Saturday night since the daytime temps were still hitting the mid-90's, which is no fun when you are sitting in the sun at a Ranger game.

First thing on our agenda was a new Ranger cap, courtesy of Tia Sandie. The infant ones didn't fit his big 'ole head, but the toddler size seemed comfortable for the approximate minute that he left it on without protest. We found our seats (third level, just to the left of home plate), and you could just see that little brain taking everything in. We had missed the top of the first, and the Rangers were already behind the Orioles 2 - 0. We missed the bottom of the first taking tons of pictures, with and without cap.

Gabriel must have been a little tired all the way through, because he didn't squirm around much. He just sat contentedly in whoever's lap he had been passed, watching the surrounding kids, listening to all the music in between innings and snacking on crackers and "Nilla Wafers. Every once in awhile he even seemed to notice the little men running around on the field. There was another 1-year-old sitting right behind us who was also at his first game. He had learned how to clap and say "Yay!!", which I think Gabriel was a little jealous of. Gabriel's new trick was handing things to us so that we could say an exaggerated "thank you" and watch him just beam with happiness.

At the start of the 5th inning and with the Rangers having pulled ahead, our happy caravan headed home. The Rangers ended up losing the game 9-11, but we all had a great time. Gabriel told me in his own special way that he can't wait for baseball season to start up next year and is practicing his numbers by counting down the days to the beginning of Ranger Spring Training.

First Ranger Game





Thursday, October 04, 2007

Stanley's Garden

I wanted to do something special to remember Stanley, and decided that planting something would be the best way to go. Originally I thought about a tree, but we already planted a tree this year. I decided to take the spot where I had my herb garden and make a new garden. I wanted mostly perennials so that it would seem more permanent. I had been planning and arranging and changing my mind for a couple of weeks. When I finally found some Turk's Cap at Lowe's I knew I had my design started. I also decided after wandering around several nurseries that a trellis would be pretty in the spot, so I bought some Sweet Autumn Clematis. My Mom and Dad, wanting to help out to preserve their grand-dog's memory, contributed for the trellis. We already had our St. Francis statue, and I knew I wanted to use it in the spot somehow. What greater symbol than the Patron Saint of animals for Stanley's Garden?

Two Saturdays ago I got down to work. I wanted to dig down a foot and mix the existing soil with some organic compost. I also had some great earthworm-filled dirt from my big bucket of oregano that had been growing for a couple of years that I mixed in also. This was much harder work than I have done in a LONG time, and I realized I've let myself get pretty out of shape since I had Gabriel. But it felt so good to be outside, sweating, and working really hard, especially for a good reason. I worked for four and a half hours (thanks to Jav for watching Gabriel all morning!), and I'm just so proud of the way it turned out. This was my first attempt to design a garden, and I think it went pretty well.

Garden pictures

I had been searching for Turk's Cap since spring, and didn't realize the nurseries don't offer it until late summer or fall. Even then, there wasn't much left when I got there. I'd love to find someplace to plant more next year. I can already tell how hardy it is.
I want to add some smaller annuals along the front each season, starting with mums within a few weeks.
The happy trellis. I feel so peaceful everytime I look at the garden. What a great way to remember my faithful sweet Stanley.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Little man of steel

My son is standing and swiveling me around in the desk chair and laughing gleefully as I try to type.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

The golden hour

Gabriel and I don't have much of a schedule, other than feeding and nap times. These stay relatively the same every day. We try to walk Molly in the morning, but only because it's still so dang hot right now. Later when cooler weather hits we can walk her anytime during the day. I used to run errands before lunch every day (once again, because of the hot weather), but now that's pretty flexible too. So our day waxes and wanes depending on what I'm trying to get done, with the occasional doctor appointment or pressing something-or-other thrown in.

My day has gotten easier as Gabriel has matured. I have more time to do chores or laundry while he plays on his own, or I can bring a bunch of toys with me into the room I need to work in, and Gabriel and I will play while I'm getting things done. Most of the housework gets done during the week this way. None of our day is too rushed or stressful, but I stay pretty busy. That is, until about 5 or so. Without a doubt my favorite time of the day is the hour or so before I start dinner, Gabriel watches one of his Baby Einstein DVDs, and we know Jav is on his way home from work.

Many days we'll spend this time outside (if the mosquitoes don't drive us in the house), languishing on a quilt and listening for different birds. Molly's always out with us, chewing on her sticks, and not even pausing every now and then when Gabriel wants to climb on her for a little while. Bones is also out with us, and lately Henry's been joining us too. Sometimes I'll fake being asleep, which always gets Gabriel to laugh and then come poke me in the belly button to wake me up. Sometimes we'll play my version of "Airplane", with me holding Gabriel with his belly balanced on top of my head while I whirl in circles. Sometimes I'll carry him around the yard looking for bugs or different leaves or flowers. He loves to swing at the wind chimes, and now gets upset if I forget them.

Last Friday we hung out in the family room with any toy he has with wheels. He all of a sudden likes to push cars or trucks or trains on my great grandmother's old cedar chest, the top of which was scratched up and water damaged years ago. I just sit and marvel at how much of a little boy he has turned into, and wonder about how fast my little baby boy is growing up. I had my Ipod playing too, and a couple of times I'd yank him up and we'd take a turn about the dance floor, even remembering how to two-step, which I haven't done in awhile. It's just blissful to get to spend time with him like this. Really lazy, unhurried time. Plus we know Jav is on his way home, which is another reason to feel happy. It's the best time of the day.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Happy Birthday Gabriel-your first year has flown by!


I want to remember...


his little dimples in his hands, and watching him open and close his fingers when he felt different fabrics and textures.

his rocking back and forth on his hands and knees, and then standing on his hands and tippy toes trying with all his might to move forward instead of backward.

his arms flapping up and down with excitement anytime any or all of the pets were around, and especially all of his time with Stanley.

his little mouth making an "o" with his lips wrapped around his gums everytime he really wanted to tell us something.

his face, even though every morning he resembled a different member of the family when he woke up - my brother, Jav's sister, both of our Dads, his cousin Cade, but always with Jav's cheeks.

his smile first thing every morning when I walked into his room, or when he was proud about something new he had learned.

his laugh, right from the belly, first when the cats came into his room chasing the tape measure, and then when I danced a little jig over and over again, then later when his grandmother tossed the ball up in the air and caught it again and again.

his crazy bunny hop crawling.
his lip that would stand out a mile long when he got really upset, really fast.
his fingers which he would hold with his other hand and stretch his arms over his head.
his voice, crying "ma ma ma ma ma" when he wanted anything at all, and his constant humming through meals.

his bashful pose that he still does anytime we squeeze Rubber Duckie, with his shoulders hunched forward and his head down.
his need to pat his chest or tummy every time he sings, and now his need to pat us to make us sings too.
his sweet baby smell, coming from his head while I read him a book in my lap.

his warmth, feeling his head against my chest and his arms around my neck as I rocked him to sleep.

Monday, September 17, 2007

To sign or not to sign

Our neighborhood is right in the middle of the Urban Gas Drilling controversy. We've received one letter asking us to sign a 5-year lease. Then, another letter explaining that the drilling that will be taking place in the Tandy Hills nature area will be moving forward with the utmost regard for the environmental concerns that the residents are all voicing. Our neighborhood association President has thrown himself into this debate (as he throws himself into every issue in our neighborhood), and is on a Task Force to get all of our questions answered. Jav added me to his email list after deciding that I would be very interested in everything that's going on.

He was right! After reading the three email he sent out today regarding the matter, I am now leaning towards fighting any drilling at all, especially in an area that is one of the last pure Texas prairie grasslands. I love the beauty of this state more and more as the years go by, and appreciate the uniqueness of that beauty.

Here is the article that our President forwarded that really sums up what I think about the whole thing.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Mammoth project

I am currently trying to get through 12 or 13 years of packets of pictures. I have a huge box that I have been dumping the pictures in every time I was done looking at them. Then when we moved I added any framed photos that I had collected through the years. After I got through the first three envelopes (which included throwing away at least 3/4 of the pictures, labeling and filing the rest in a photo box), the project I thought would take years to finish is really moving along. I have committed to go through at least one pack a day.

The second part of the project is downloading the good, keepable pictures from the C/D's from each packet (only from the last six years or so) to our computer. Haven't started that task yet.

And the final part will be taking the sorted pictures and putting them either into photo albums or (gasp) scrapbooks. I am not a good scrapbooker. I think they are really cool when done without too much kitsch (is that how to spell it?). I don't think I have the time or patience for it. But because I have illusions of grandeur about what I can do, I am planning to make at least three rudimentary scrapbooks, one for Gabriel's first year, one for our 40-year-old girls Fredericksburg trip, and one for Stanley.

I'm also picking out special pictures to start a gallery of family photos up and down our hallway. There will be current family, pets, and a section of really old family photos. I have some wonderful old photos of my maternal grandparents as children with their brothers and sisters, and then as newlyweds. I also have a box of paternal grandparent photos that I need to go through and see what I can salvage. I'm afraid they spent too many years in my parents outdoor storage building getting ruined in the heat. I'm trying to get Jav to get pictures from his Mom so it won't just be my side of the family up and down the hall. It's weird how the sons don't seem to keep the nostalgic things around as much as the daughters of the family.

It's really hard to not get caught up in reminiscing while looking through the pictures. This has a tendency to make me very nostalgic and emotional, which can hold up the whole process. But other than that I'm making pretty good time and hope to be finished by the end of the year.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Obsession

Jav and I have become obsessed with our 2 hours at night we get to relax and watch TV with no baby or pets interrupting. Actually, make that just no baby, the pets are still jumping on the bed or meowing for food or needing to go outside. But anyway, we are so serious about this time that we spent an hour or so looking over the article in the Star Telegram Sunday about new and returning shows. We decided to pick out a couple of new ones to start taping each week. Our show count dropped now that Sopranos, Big Love and Flight of the Conchords are finished. Here's what we decided:

-Saving Grace - we'll finish out the season

-The Office, which has been a favorite for the past couple of years.

-Top Chef/Project Runway (Top Chef has 3 or so more weeks, and I'm not sure when Project Runway starts).

-Heroes. We just started slowly watching last season and are trying to figure out a way to speed up the process so we can start enjoying Season 2 once it starts. Right now we're only watching two episodes a week.

These next three will probably not all make it. We plan to pick at least one and maybe two from this list of new shows:

-Dirty Sexy Money. Another mob show, and you gotta love Peter Krauss, so we have to try it.

-Cane. This is supposed to harken back to the Dynasty days, only much better writing and acting. It's about a sugar cane plantation owning family. It has a great cast including Jimmy Smits, Rita Moreno and Hector Elizondo.

-Pushing Daisies. The critics are all saying this will be the best new show of the season. It's about a guy who can save a person's or animal's (or even plant's I think) life by just touching them. The only problem is he has to pick out someone or something else to die instead.

And finally, our guilty pleasure - The Great American Band Contest on Fox.

Oh, and we decided to start taping all Seinfelds, just because they're so great and there's a bunch I never saw midway through the run.

And just in case anyone thinks I've become a TV addict, I also try to read for a half hour after we turn off the dreaded contraption every night.

Friday, September 07, 2007

Match Point

This is the first time I've ever watched the U.S. Open starting from Round 1 (gotta love the DVR!). I've seen a few entire matches, but mostly some highlights or endings of almost every major match. It really does build the momentum of the tournament when you watch the whole thing and recognize the players. I'm happy Venus is still in it, but there are no American men still standing. I think I like watching the females better, anyway. The matches just seem to move quicker and the players seem more evenly matched, which makes for more exciting games. I had been rooting for an Israeli player named Shahar Peer, but she was beat by a 20-year-old Russian named Anna Chakvetadze, who is playing another Russian (Kuznetsova) for the finals today. On the men's side, American James Blakes's matches were legendary, as usual, even though he finally lost to German Tommy Haas. I'm now rooting for Serbian Novak Djokovic. I like the way he plays, and he has a charming attitude to match. Alot of big names were beat by virtual unknowns, which made things really interesting.

I have tennis fever in my blood, with my Dad having played for years and years (he was good enough to compete in amateur tournaments, but never did), my Mom played for years too, and my great Uncle Robert was still playing in his 60's. His knees and back finally gave out, but he still watches with a passion. One day I'll be inspired to pick up my racket again, only I really need some lessons to unlearn all the bad habits I've picked up.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Moving in the same circles

Jav and I realized early on that we spent five years of our youth at very close proximity without ever meeting. From 1976 to 1980, we lived one street over from his family. Their house backed up to the house that was across the street from us. Maybe we saw Jav or Sandra, but I don't remember it. We pretty much kept to the kids on our street, and they to theirs.

Then the other day we happened to be driving down Lancaster, which has changed so much since we were kids. My grandmother, Mom and I used to head down to our favorite shopping center several times a week in the afternoons. We would have pie or custard at Wyatt's Cafeteria, my grandmother and Mom would shop at Monnig's Department Store, and I would love walking over to Mott's Five and Dime or Skillern's Drug Store. Sometimes we'd go to Cloth World to look at patterns or thread or buttons.

I was relaying all of this nostalgia to Jav, and he remembered that his Mom used to take Sandra and he to the same stores in the afternoons after school. They didn't hit Wyatt's very often, but his mother would shop at Monnig's while he and Sandra goofed around in Mott's. We both reminisced about where everything was in Mott's - the toys, the baseball cards-I can remember the layout like the back of my hand. Jav also remember that he HATED having to wait for his Mom in Cloth World, the most boring place in the world to a 10-year-old boy.

We decided we just had to have been in the same place at the same time long before we ever officially met.

Sunday, September 02, 2007

Songs

Gabriel has become accustomed to my singing, and especially to me singing certain songs. It's weird how fast certain songs fell into my repertoire and never left. Some songs have alot of historical value to me, and some just sort of happened.

I sing to him when he wakes up (Good Morning from Singin' in the Rain, Oh What A Beautiful Morning from Oklahoma, Zip A Dee Doo Dah, or It's A Jolly Holiday from Mary Poppins).

I sing to him before naps (I'm Only Sleeping by the Beatles, On the Good Ship Lollipop (which I remember my grandparents singing to me every time I spent the night at their house), The Candy Man, and Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head while it was raining every day) For some reason, nap songs have to have some bounce to them. He goes right to sleep with a little bounce.

I sing to him in the car - whatever is in the CD player or comes up on the IPOD.

I sing to him at night, if Jav doesn't get him right to sleep (humming my favorite Nocturne by Chopin that makes a great lullaby, Stay Awake from Mary Poppins, Walking After Midnight by Patsy Cline, and Till There Was You by the Beatles, and an old lullaby my Mom used to sing to my brother and me, All Through The Night)

When he was three months old, it was just before Christmas, so I would sing every Christmas carol I know to him. My favorites were Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas (LOVE that song) and Everybody's Waitin' For The Man With The Bag (very good and bouncy for naps). I can't believe it's almost time to sing those again.

Because I sing the same songs at the same time every day, it puts him in "the zone" to sleep. Lately I've tried to throw some new ones in (Sweet Baby James by James Taylor and a couple of others) and they don't put him in the zone. Maybe I need to add them in heavier rotation until they catch on. I wonder if he will remember any of these, or if he hears one later on in life, I wonder if something about it will make him nostalgic without really knowing why.

I guess the only reason for this posting is so that I will remember. Since Jav took over giving Gabriel his last bottle and putting him to bed about 3 months ago, I had already forgotten about the Chopin lullaby until I listened to my Chopin CD the other day and started bawling. Things change mighty fast these days.

Saturday, September 01, 2007

Friday, August 31, 2007

Why can't everyone think like Sesame Street?

This song plays on Gabriel's Sesame Street 25th anniversary DVD. I love what it's saying and it never fails to make me cry.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Piano lessons

Every once in awhile I get to listen to Selected Shorts on NPR, where famous short stories are read by actors. It's always a good listen. The one last Sunday night was called Simple Exercises for the Beginning Student by Alex Ohlin. It was about an 8-year-old boy whose parents were having marital problems, but he found solace in taking piano lessons. The descriptions of the piano teacher, the way she wrote out the pieces he was to practice that week in very meticulous handwriting in a little notebook he kept, the nervousness of the boy as he realized how little he had practiced all week..all of this brought back so many memories.

I really feel like I should be thumped in the head sometimes for squandering away the gift my grandparents gave me (they paid for my lessons) for nine years. I don't really remember if I liked taking piano or not. I know I didn't practice enough, just the bare minimum to get by at the next lesson. I was always really nervous before recitals, and once completely went blank about halfway through a piece. I'll never forget that music, or how horrible that moment was. I paused for what seemed like hours to me (it was probably only seconds), went back and started again and made it through the second time. I guess I had many recital experiences that were pretty good, but it's always the bad moments you remember more.

I remember wishing I could write in cursive the way my teacher, Mrs. Sills, did. She was so patient with me, and even though I'm sure she knew I didn't practice very much, she never said anything more severe than, "I hope you'll practice more this week,." when it came time for me to leave. The piano was in her very formal living room, and it was always so quiet in her house. I remember that the next student would come in and sit on the sofa waiting for me to finish, and I would think, "Ha ha-you've still got to do your lesson, but I'm almost finished and get to go home." I think the lessons were hard for me to get through because I knew on some level that I was disappointing her - not living up to my potential.

I've seen Mrs. Sills occasionally through the years and once she asked me if I still played. I was so embarrassed to tell her not really. I think if I had a piano I would play. When I think about it now I wish I would have practiced and paid attention more. I heard recently that Mrs. Sills was ill, and I said a little prayer for her.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

The last sad post for awhile

I was feeling a bit happier today, and was trying to catch up on some good blog reading that I've gotten behind on. First I read this poem in Kathy's, which made me feel a little sad but also made me smile. Then I read this one in Elisa's, and I was a goner for a good 15 minute cry. What a lovely tribute to a family dog. Interesting how sometimes in life you happen upon things that were exactly what you needed at that moment.

And I am now ready to have a happier post tomorrow.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Magical Thinking

Joan Didion wrote a wonderful memoir about the year following the unexpected death of her husband. It is so honest and true, and is really a worthwhile read for anybody since we all have to experience death in our lives.

I'm feeling some of the feelings she shared in the book. At times, I'm ok and at peace with the fact that Stanley's no longer here and suffering. But then something reminds me of him, some daily part of my routine or a certain place in the house, and it literally feels like someone has punched me in the heart with more force than I can take. I start thinking very irrational thoughts about how to reverse the decision I made and bring him back. And I'd like him back healthy and younger, not sick. I start apologizing to God for attempting to take his place for a day and deciding to end a life. I just want to see that face one more time, pet his soft head again, and hear his little toenails clicking on the hardwood floors as he wanders the house trying to figure out which room I'm in.

It's such a selfish thing, I admit it. It's all to make me feel better and not have to go through this pain. The pain is what makes you lose all sense of reality. Would I really want Stanley to have tried to keep going just so that I wouldn't have to go through this? Of course not. But rational thoughts are few and far between at this point. I was vacuuming and thinking that I hope I don't vacuum up all of Stanley's hair, because that would be sad. I get impatient with poor Molly because I expect her to follow me around the house like Stanley did, which she doesn't really do. I notice Henry seems to be looking for his canine buddy. I watched the video that I shot last Sunday of all of us in the backyard while Gabriel was in his baby pool, so that I could see him still alive. Anything to keep from having to completely let go of him right now.

My friend Sue said it best in her sweet email to me - she's praying that my heart starts to accept what my mind knew I had to do. I'm sure it will eventually. One of my favorite Indigo Girls songs is The Language or the Kiss. There's a line that goes, "There was a table set for six, and five were there... I stood outside and kept my eyes upon that empty chair." The song is really about the choice between love and a career, but I've always thought about that line as how you would feel after losing a loved one, and how trying to eat a meal afterwards would make you feel so lonely. We have a house that's set for 9 and 8 are there. And I see him everywhere still.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

The last few weeks

Just a warning that people who do not really love dogs aren't going to get my next couple of posts.

I have been questioning alot lately whether or not it's easier to deal with unexpected death or one that you know is coming. On the one hand, if you know it's coming you have time to say goodbye, time to make sure you say or do all the things to let that person (or animal, in this case) know how much you love them, how much they have meant to you, and how much you will miss them. But the waiting is so tough, the wondering how he's feeling, second guessing every change in routing as a warning that something is wrong and maybe it's time.

I really tried to live day-to-day, and each morning when I woke up would be a good morning if Stanley seemed ok. That's how we got through most of the summer, with a few down days. But for the most part he continued to amaze me with his energy every morning while walking. It didn't really dawn on me that the rest of his days were spent pretty sedentary. Or that I was having to really prod him to go outside, and to get him off the porch to go into the grass and take care of business. I got it into my head that I was helping him because he was so old, not because he was sick. His eating was cut down by half, but I chalked that up more to the heat.

The last couple of weeks, in retrospect, were even harder for him. He had always met us at the door upon returning from anywhere with a waggy tail and a happy yip, but he was only meeting us every once in awhile. I was having to practically pick him up to get him outside in the evenings, and would have to wait sometimes 15 -20 minutes before he'd go out into the yard. I kept telling myself that I would do anything for him, but I was really ignoring all the signs. I guess my biggest two things I was focusing on was how he was eating and if he could still go on our walks. This week he stopped wanting to eat. Then Thursday morning he was in such discomfort all through the walk that I had to stop lying to myself. He barely moved around the house all day. Jav said to wait and see how he felt in the morning, which was always our out for not doing anything that day, and having hope for one more day. My Mom helped me see that I shouldn't keep doing that to Stanley. She said that he loved me so much he would probably keep going until he just dropped, and did I really want that?

Friday morning he didn't seem much different. I started to not take him on a walk, but Jav insisted we go for just a short one and said he would take care of Gabriel. I'm so thankful he did that because even though he was slow at first, we ended up having a pretty good walk. But he still didn't want to eat. I called the vet and he said he would come to the house at 4, which was good because Jav had said he'd leave early from work if I needed him to. The day was so hard, and so surreal. I spent it going from being on automatic pilot and cleaning the house so I wouldn't think about it to laying on the floor with my arms around him. It was such a roller coaster all day. I'm so thankful that Jav's Mom kept Gabriel for 3 hours, because I was really unfit to take care of him and I didn't want my sadness to rub off on him. I determined that it would be easier to start taking all of Stanley's things and putting them away while he was still here. This sounds awful, but I just didn't want to see anything that would remind me of him afterwards.

My mother was a saint all day, coming by to say goodbye to Stanley around noon and then realizing that she had to be with me at 4. She stayed with Gabriel in his room so Jav could hold me, and I could hold Stanley. Stanley got up and wagged his tail when Dr. Norris came inside (he always loved going to the vet, who is just the nicest, warmest man in the world). I really faltered when Dr. Norris asked if we were sure we wanted to do this. I wanted to scream at him, "No, it's the last thing in the world I want to do". But Mom said I had to be the strong one, and so I just nodded. I had one arm around Stanley and Jav was holding my other hand when he died. I don't think I've ever had a sadder moment in my life. After they left Mom brought Gabriel out to me to hold, which helped. But I was just so empty.

Then I had to realize that life goes on, and I needed to feed the other pets (the cats were all very upset that the vet had been in the house, and Molly was just upset and looking for Stanley). It was exhausting, trying to keep my emotions in check and then let them fly every now and then all day long. After we ate dinner I felt like a train had run over me. And no matter how hard I tried not to, I kept thinking that we rushed the decision, that he could have gone on another week, which is ridiculous to even think about.

I am so glad that I had the time this summer to spend with Stanley, from the walks in the mornings to the patient trips outside in the evenings. Every time I go for a walk, he will still be by my side. I'm so glad he got to be around Gabriel, and that Gabriel loved him so much. I'm so glad Jav was able to show him such kindness and love. And no matter how hard it is to say goodbye, I can't even contemplate how much sadder my life would have been without him in it.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Goodbye, my best friend

Stanley the Wonder Dog, February 1994 - August 2007

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

When I grow up I wanna be a ...

I was offered what most sane people would have considered a dream job for a stay-at-home Mom a couple of weeks ago. I would have been able to work from home and set my own hours, all without too much loss of time with Gabriel. The job was offered by a good friend of mine's husband, who has his own software consulting, installation, and maintenance business. He customizes the software for small businesses and has done really well for himself. His bookkeeper quit last March and he'd been trying to keep up with things on his own ever since. He was finding it too difficult to be both a bookkeeper and a salesman/technician, and thought about me. I think the work itself would have been comparatively easy after the initial learning curve of learning new software and how he likes things done.

I thought about this long and hard, and had decided to accept. But my husband kept putting the brakes on my enthusiasm. He wondered if the small addition of income every week would be worth my time given up with Gabriel. But he also reminded me that back in December when I quit, I vowed to try something different, something besides accounting. Something I really wanted to do that would not be a hum-drum "I do this work because I have to" job.

What a wonderful husband I have, and I am SO glad he stopped me. I called the man and politely declined his offer. Since then I have been really thinking about what I want to do when I go back to work, and I've decided I really want to teach yoga. I have just brushed the surface of learning about this ancient and complex subject, which is so much more than just a physical workout. It's also mental and spiritual, and can change your whole way of life and looking at things. I know how much better I feel since I started practicing, and I'm excited about the thought of learning more about it so that I can teach others. It would require an initial investment of money and time to become a certified instructor. It would also require creativity, confidence and passion to find a teaching position (or positions). But if it's something you love, all of this doesn't sound very daunting, just exciting.

Of course, I have a very capricious nature, and might change my mind between now and then. But as for right now, having this dream to work towards feels really good.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

I fought the law..at 11 months old

Jav had told me that pushing the buttons on the telephone provided Gabriel with a source of entertainment for a good 10 minutes or so, just long enough to check emails and maybe even answer a couple. So today he was pushing like crazy, and I was listening for the dial tone, just in case, and it starts ringing. But he hit a button before I could get to it. This happened 3 times before I finally took it away from him, thinking it was Jav calling from DC where he was been in his good friend's wedding. The phone rang, and it was the FW fire department. Someone in our home had just dialed 911. I was horrified, and apologized about 3 times, explaining it was my baby boy playing with the phone. The guy was very nice about it, had me verify my address and said he would cancel the call. So about 4 minutes later the doorbell rings. It was, of course, the police. I humbly opened the door (as humble as I could be with a towel wrapped around my head and a feisty boy in my arms), explained what had happened, had to give my name and birth date, and apologize like crazy a few more times.

We have both learned today that the telephone is not a toy.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

I want to fly like an eagle

It's sometimes hard for me to find the energy to take the dogs for a walk every morning. But we see some of the neatest things that early.

A couple of weeks ago, I noticed sometimes one and sometimes two hawks in an area of our neighborhood. I seemed to always see them in the same spot, right around a very tall but dead tree. Then last week while walking Stanley (a couple of streets from the originial hawks), I heard the strangest bird call. It just sounded so different compared to the neighborhood birds I'm used to hearing. I kept thinking about it until we got home, and it hit me that it might have been a hawk. The next day, we saw it. A lone hawk was sitting in, once again, a very tall dead tree, and it was making the call over and over. Maybe that one has a mate too, but we haven't seen it yet.

Now that I know what to listen for, I'm hoping to spot them even more often now. This morning we saw all three, and one even swooped down towards us. I'm thinking of taking the camera one morning, although I think they are too high up to get a decent shot. I remembered that raptors hunt with their vision only, so they like those trees because it gives them such a good vantage point.

I start wondering all kinds of things as I watch them either soaring overhead or checking us out as we walk by. What do think of us? Are they nervous because of the dogs? Is the solo one calling out to find a mate, or for some other reason? Do the people in those houses even know that they have something so cool living in or around their yards? Did that one swoop down to scare us, or because he or she looked at Gabriel as a giant baby possum? (I'd like to see one try to get a beak around his chubby arm.) All I know is I love watching them. That's why I find the energy for our walks, because I forget about the day's schedule and any problems or woes and just take in the moment.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Stupid funny

I forgot to list another of my favorite TV shows on my "40" blog, because we've only seen it three times now. It's an HBO show called Flight of the Conchords and it's such candy for my tired brain. It's two guys in a not very successful band, and both seem to be one taco short of a combination plate. They make up songs based on what's going on in their lives and the lyrics are very stream-of-consciousness, but hysterical. And they sing their songs in a music video with choreography, costumes and extras, then it goes back to just them living their regular boring lives. The oddest thing is they are both really good musicians and composers, and the songs stay with me for days, even though they are so silly. I'll find myself humming them and laugh out loud. The last episode (Girlfriends) had one of the guys with a crush on a girl who sold him his croissant every morning, so all of a sudden they were all riding around on bicycles with pastel colored clothes and it looked like a 60's Catherine Deneuve movie. The funniest part (as usual) was the lyrics, which sounded like someone reading out of a French language textbook. Numbers, colors, very simple verb conjugations. Here it is, click on Foux Da Fa Fa. So stupid it verges on genius. I love it.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Rock star


My oldest cat's name is officially Bones. Not because he was a skinny runt, even though he was. He was named by an ex-boyfriend, after a mobster in the movie Get Shorty. The same ex-boyfriend talked me into getting a kitten, even though I really didn't think I was much of a cat person. We got the kitten to entertain his 5-year-old daughter. This seemed like a good plan at the time, but then 6 months later we broke up. I was a wreck, mostly because I missed the daughter. Every time I looked at Bones I thought about her, and for awhile thought about trying to find another home for him. But then I suddenly became a cat person. Sort of, because Bones is really more like a dog than a cat at times.

I had to feed him diluted baby food through a dropper after I brought him home from the North Richland Hills Animal Shelter. He is the only one of my cats that was properly weaned from his mother, but that didn't stop him from getting an infection in the kennel. He quickly recovered and became the cutest, healthiest and prettiest kitten. He and Stanley made fast friends, which I was relieved to see. After I had him a year he seemed to really want to go outside, so I started taking him out on a leash, much to his horror and embarrassment, I'm sure. But he got to know the yard, and before long I could leave him out and not worry about him running off or getting lost.
As each new cat was brought into the house, Bones became less and less tolerant of them. Henry was grudgingly accepted, and Bones even became a surrogate mother to him. But Zoe made him a little angry and standoff-ish, and Fred pushed him over the edge. He has never liked being around them, but at least doesn't fight with them. After Fred, Bones wanted to stay outside more and more, especially in the nice weather months. He's always come in at night, though, since that's when most cat fights occur. People tell me that after a cat is neutered he will either become a ruthless hunter or a fighter. Bones went the fighter route. It's hard for me to believe now that during all the years at the Cooks house, he never got sick or very injured, even though a couple of times he came home limping and once had a small chunk taken out of his ear.

When we moved to this house, we kept him in for six weeks. I knew it would be hard, but somehow we got through it. I had a week off after that and started going out with him for longer and longer periods of time until he had enough of his scent in the yard to be able to find our yard if he wandered off. He still didn't really like being in the front yard because he was used to the old house being really far away from the street and any traffic. He quickly claimed the garage as his "get away from it all" territory. He comes in during really hot or cold weather, but not for more than 3 or 4 hours, then he wants back outside or in the garage. We have all been accepting of this arrangement, although Bones has never seemed as happy as he was in the woods around the old house.

Several months back, we realized we were hearing alot of cat fights and decided to make sure Bones was locked in before dark and not let out of the garage until full daylight. But one cat has been hanging around our garage door (we keep it cracked so Bones can go in and out, and also for ventilation), even during the day.

Three weeks ago, I noticed Bones eating less and less, and finally not at all. I had originally assumed he was just acclimating to the heat, but then I got worried. When I took him to the vet he had a fever of 105.3. The vet said that 105 was his cutoff point for testing for infectious diseases, only he didn't come out and say it like that. It took me the rest of the appointment to realize that something pretty bad was happening. We've always kept up with Bones's vaccinations since he's an inside/outside cat, but there are no vaccines (or cures) for FIT (Feline Infectious something or other), or Feline A.I.D.S.

He tested positive for Feline A.I.D.S. So then we agreed to sending the original blood test for detailed testing (which cost us an ungodly amount of money) that would tell us if he was just a carrier or if he had the full-blown virus. Either way, the vet encouraged us to make him stay inside or in the garage. Either way, he would be a threat to the other cats if they fought and blood was exchanged. As I said earlier in the post, none of our cats have ever had a serious fight with each other, but Bones has a tendency to get destructive when he's kept inside for too long. I kept thinking that at least he's nine years old now, and maybe he's mellowed and this won't make him too unhappy. I started cheating and letting him go out in the backyard while Gabriel and I had breakfast in the mornings, or just to hang out for 20 or 30 minutes at a time. I spent to week of waiting trying to accept that this happened and figuring out an arrangement that would make Bones happy somehow.
The vet called and told us that the test came back negative. As in he doesn't have Feline A.I.D.S., or anything. The first test was a false positive. Something about antibodies in his system, but now they're gone, or something like that. I don't really care as long as he's ok. And now I don't feel like we wasted that ungodly amount of money, because Bones is back outside part-time and we are all happier for it. I am keeping a closer eye on him, however, and trying to prevent him from wandering too far from the house so that we won't have to go through this again.

The really good thing to come out of this is that we're spending more time with Bones, who was easy to take for granted. He is our "welcome home" guy, because he pops out from under the garage door anytime we come home or someone comes to the house. Gabriel and I are continuing our bistro breakfasts because of Bones. He really is a sweet cat who loves to hang out with us outside since there are no other cats around vying for our attention. I'm so glad he's ok.
Oh, I almost forgot the reason for the title of this post. Bones has lots of nicknames. Bonesey, Mr. BonesJangles, and the one Jav and Sandra gave him because of his mane of hair, the Rock Star.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

40

Here's what's happening in my life on the day I turned 40: (yesterday)

Gabriel is growing, communicating more and more every day, and about to walk any day now. He loves books and music and is just a happy healthly little boy. He chased me at his top crawl speed around the house yesterday with a frenzied laugh and I am amazed by him all day long.

Jav is settling into his new job nicely, and is so glad to be rid of his hellish commute every day. He doesn't even get on a highway now. The three of us get to eat dinner together almost every night. He got me great birthday presents, including tickets to see Raul Malo, an Ipod docking station and charger for the car (which was actually from Gabriel, who loves to listen to Mommy's tunage in the car), and a Central Market gift card for a cooking class. I love him so much, and his patience for me and dealing with this crazy house and all of our animals amazes me all day long. We're trying, hoping and praying for baby number two.

All of our parents and siblings (including sister-in-law) and niece and nephew are doing great, and I love family get-togethers on either side. I wish sometimes that we could get both sides together more often. Cade is getting so big, but loves how Gabriel already worships every move he makes. Every time I see Macy, she warms up to me a little more and I get to know her very unique and cute personality.

I just watched "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants", and it reminded me of how much I love my friends and am thankful we've made the efforts to stay close all these years.

I love seeing my Goddaughter Grace growing up and turning into a beautiful, smart and very artistic girl. We have her artwork up here and there all over the house. I'm also glad about getting closer to Gabriel's Godparents, Keith and Christine, and being a part of Jav's Godson Andrew's life.

My furry kids are all ok for the moment, with the Wonder Dog Stanley still hanging in there despite all odds. Gabriel and I get up early and walk both dogs so that Stanley will have a good day. We thought Bones (our oldest and mostly outdoor cat) was really sick, but it turns out he used up another one of his lives (we figure he has about 6 left now) and is actually ok. I'll have a separate posting about this later. Fred is doing SO much better now that his problem teeth are gone. He's starting to gain weight and we see him all the time now. Henry is a much happier camper now that we are letting him out in the backyard every morning. And Zoe and Molly are just happy, like always. (Interesting that the two female furry kids are the ones with no problems).

I might have a job working from home on my own schedule, which truly seems like a gift from above. I'll know more in the next couple of days.

I love my book club girls, and the chance to get to read all kinds of different things.

My favorite TV shows of the moment are Big Love (who knew a show about polygamy would be SOOO delicious and addicting?), Saving Grace with Holly Hunter (she could be on the Gong Show and make it a good show), and Top Chef. I can't wait for The Office to start up again.

The best movie I've seen lately is Little Miss Sunshine. I could watch it over and over and never get tired of it. The movie I really want to see right now is Breach (about spy Robert Hanson). The movie we just finished was The Tao of Steve, which is just such a charming movie.

My great achievement of the moment is that Jav and I cleaned out the garage over the last two Sundays and are selling all of our stuff in a garage sale at Jav's sister's next weekend.

We finally got the new squirrel-proof birdfeeder up in the front yard and have at least two cardinal couples and all kinds of other birds eating like crazy now.

One bad thing about my birthday is that Barry Bonds bogusly (is that a word?)broke the homerun record. Other things in the national news are the fallout from the Minnesota bridge collapse last week and the miners in Utah that are stranded with people working around the clock to get to them. The biggest topics worldwide are Global Warming (finally) and Iraq and the continuing violence in the Middle East.

There are some things I'm sad about - slowly losing Stanley, missing my grandparents and wishing they could have seen Gabriel, missing a really good friend that I had for a long time but don't now, and on a large scale, realizing how little people care about the planet and protecting all the diverse plants and animals on it. But all in all, my life's never been better. I wake up and feel pretty old first thing in the morning, but it always works itself out during the day. It's a good life, and I'm thankful for all that's in it.