Waiting for your destiny

Jav and I have decided it's a very strange feeling when you are in the last weeks before a baby comes. I'm sure with the first baby the strange feeling was stronger since we had NO idea what we were getting into! You would think the feeling wouldn't be as anxious the second time around, and it's not. But there are still some unknowns - like what it will be like to have two (one of whom will demand constant attention), will this one sleep well, will Gabriel adjust well to him.... on and on.

So when the doctor set the "Date to Induce" to be next Tuesday, the clock on all that has become normal and routine in our lives started to tick down. It's just a strange mix of joy, excitement and curiosity to meet the new guy, and a little dread at knowing how little sleep we will be getting and that nothing will be routine. Being a self-admitted control freak, I thrive on routine. And Gabriel now thrives on routine, so his little world is about to get a shock also. We have our lives down to a nice rhythm now and there's not too many unexpected things that occur during our day. A new baby is going to be a big, sweet bundle full of unexpected for awhile.

And I cannot wait to hold that bundle. To see his face and smell him... to feel that softer than soft baby skin, and slowly get to see his personality develop. I got a glimpse of his profile at the ultrasound Tuesday and I don't think his cheeks will be as big as Gabriel's were, and I'm now wondering what else will be different about him. It's also a wonderful feeling to know Gabriel will now have a brother. He got a little upset when I told him that the baby will be sleeping in our room for awhile. He wants him to be in his room, which is all fine and good as long as he's the quiet lump moving around in Mommy's tummy. He may be glad of the arrangement once he realizes that the lump is going to cry, eat and poop - and not much else.

And so we all wait for Tuesday, when everything gets turned upside down in our little world. And a big bouncing baby boy fills that little world with more love.

Happy Thanksgiving!

The good, bad and ugly of pregnancy

When I found out I was pregnant again, and made it past the "scary" time, I told myself that I would really try to enjoy this pregnancy - seeing that it will be my last. Those first four and a half months were so rough, though, between worrying about what might go wrong and being nauseous all day after 2 pm, every day. Once I started feeling a little better, I did start to really enjoy it for about three months. The baby started moving, which really is a miraculous feeling. To know that my child is growing inside of me is something that moves me so profoundly that I really can't stop to think about it too hard or I wouldn't be able to go about my day.

When I hit around eight months, I started to hurt more, especially my legs. I know I've gained more weight than I should have, even though I haven't gained any more than I did with Gabriel (YET). But this big guy seems heavier than Gabriel ever did. And I was working with Gabriel, which meant I could sit and put my feet up more all day long. The constant being on my feet has really taken a toll on me, especially at night when my legs get stiff from not getting enough blood flow. I can barely walk when I get up and have to stand for awhile to make sure my legs will work. Then I started having these really bad back spasms when I stood still for any length of time (like to cook or do the dishes). That seems to be better now, and we're thinking it might have been related to the 100% humidity that we had during that time. I was still walking Molly up until a few weeks ago, but then I had a really bad walk one day where it felt like all of my belly ligaments were starting to sag and I ended up having to actually hold my belly with one hand while I slowly made my way home. So walks are done for now, which makes both me and Molly sad.

One of the hardest things about this physically has been not being able to play with Gabriel like I want to. He's so much more mature and never stops moving now. I feel like all I do all day is tell him "Mommy can't get on the floor anymore", "Mommy can't run right now", "Mommy can't jump", "Mommy needs to sit down and rest". He's probably ready to trade me in for a newer, funner model at this point! But he has been really sweet about it, and loves to kiss my tummy to say hi to the baby. I'll have one especially sweet memory after his nap one day. Gabriel woke up crying from having a bad dream, so I took him to the rocker and held him. The baby got hiccups and Gabriel happened to be laying right where he could feel them, which he thought was pretty funny, and I thought was wonderful.

There are things emotionally going on too, like thinking too much about what it will be like after the baby is here. Will I be too tired all the time to be a good, fun Mom like I want to be? Will I be cranky and snappy all the time? Will I be able to lose all of this weight? Is trying to breast feed going to stress me out so bad that I can't enjoy either of my kids? (I did not have a good experience with Gabriel, so really want to try again with this one). Obviously, living in the present would be a better idea since I can have no way of knowing any of these things.

One of the most surprising emotions that has hit me recently is a sadness about the relationship between Gabriel and I. I know it will change forever when the baby comes, and I feel sometimes like just holding onto him and trying to spend as much time as I can with him before that happens. It's not that I think we don't have enough love for two kids, it's just this melancholy and nostalgic feeling that I haven't quite had enough time with just Gabriel. This was a feeling I never expected to have. And I think I'm even empathetic about how he's going to feel to have to share us with another kid. But my sensible and wonderful husband says to just think about the fact that we are giving him a brother, and how much happiness we hope that will bring him one day. That does make it better.

I'm getting excited about meeting this new little guy. I wonder who he will look like, will he have lots of hair (Gabriel didn't), will his personality be similar or completely opposite of Gabriel's. Fun stuff to be thinking about, and sometimes I still have to pinch myself that this is really happening. So despite all of the physical and emotional toll this seems to be taking on me, I still think that being pregnant is the best feeling in the whole world.

Ready and waiting, waiting, waiting...

Everything's done. The nursery is ready. The clothes are washed and hung up, the furniture is all put together, the pictures are hung. The bag is packed for the hospital. I think we are finally prepared for this monumental happening that is about to take place. But all we can do is wait. The biggest change in your life, and you have NO control over when it happens. Wow.

Friends

My friends threw me a wonderful baby shower. Great food, advice, conversation and friendship coming together to celebrate this little cause of wonder I have inside me. I'm very thankful that we've all stayed close throughout the years. I am not one to make close friends very easily. I've made a few through work. I'm feeling closer and closer to my sisters-in-law as we all get to know each other better. I hope to make some through church. But it's such a great feeling to get together with my high school friends and slide right back into wherever we left off. The years just disappear, and all the talking and laughter we share is so therapeutic and valuable to me. I hope we can manage to keep it up for many years to come.

Swollen and Salt-Free (sort of)

Since I am nine months pregnant in one of the top-ten hottest summers Texas has ever seen, my ankles pretty much resemble those of a small elephant's from the time I get out of bed these days. It hasn't helped that my work has finally realized that I will be gone awhile and people will have to do what I do - so they have me running around trying to train 4 different people. My legs got so bad Thursday and Friday that Jav and I decided to give up some of my vacation time that I was saving for after the baby comes. I went to half-days today, which should help. I'll still be off the same amount of time, but we'll have less money to stretch out while I'm off.

Because I'm getting so swollen, I'm trying to find meals that have the least amount of sodium, which has proved to be sort of hard. We're pretty much down to grilling meats, and having sides of fresh fruits and vegetables and a little bread. I am not one to buy canned vegetables or frozen dinners, so I guess the transition has been easier for me than some. But I'm still amazed at the amount of salt in foods I never would've thought had much. My cranberry juice has 250 mg - why? The lunchmeat with the lowest amount was roast beef, which also surprised me. And don't even get me started on salad dressings. I've become even more addicted to label reading than I was before, so it took me an hour and a half to get through grocery shopping yesterday. (It didn't help that the Braxton-Hicks got really strong while I was there and I was stopping to breath every other aisle-but I learned it's a great way to clear out a crowded aisle!)

The back porch

Since we've only been in our house since November, it's taken me a little while to get adjusted to our new yard. But I'm discovering that the Nesting Stage of pregnancy involves more than just getting the nursery ready. My project for last week was the back porch. It's not a big space, but it's cozy enough for a porch swing, bistro table, and a grill. And the dogs to lounge on.

I added some old but comfy pillows to the porch swing, bought some cool lights (on sale-yay!!) at Target, and instantly our porch became a funner place to hang out. Of course, it's helped to have some slightly cooler weather lately. I still want to paint the porch swing and add a few sturdy side tables to put books and drinks on - then I'll be done, at least until next spring!