I would be such a nerd without you

I must thank you, Julie, for turning me on to so many good bands, past and present, that I might never found myself.  I heard this on KXT, our public radio gem that I can't get enough of, and thought it was solo Neko Case (you burned me 2 of her CD's a couple of years back and I love her now).  But then looked it up on You Tube to find it was a band you turned me on to through one of our Girls Trips CD's, who Neko Case sings for sometimes.

Right now my boys think I am the coolest mom musically, ever.  I know that will change, but I will try to retain at least a tiny bit of my musical hipness as they (and I) get older.  Keep helping me, Julie!  I'll need you more than ever now!!!

Isn't this one of the coolest songs, ever?  Love the cello and the whistling.

Crotchety before my time

We've had a hard couple of weeks, with first both boys getting upper respiratory and ear infections, then Jav getting bronchitis, then me having a sinus and double ear infections. Add to that all the extra hours Jav worked recently (until 10 or later for a week and a half) on a project, and you have one tired and burned out me.

I used to have so much energy. I was unstoppable in the yard, or for any kind of project around the house. I cleaned my house every week and always had time to exercise and walk the dogs.

Times have changed. I am so tired most of the time I got nothing these days. I tried to work out a schedule for cleaning my house so I could keep up better, but my play time with the boys always goes long, or I have to call someone that ends up taking awhile and my whole cleaning mojo just disappears for another day. I have NEVER let my house get this bad before, but it is really hard for me to tell the boys that they are on their own for awhile while I clean after I've been at work all day and have been missing them. I thought for awhile I might try to clean after they went to bed, but there's just no way.

Exercising, other than walking the dog with the boys, is out of the question. I can't get up any earlier than I do to go to work, I get up early to grocery shop on Saturdays, and if we don't have plans I look forward to sleeping in all the way to 7 on Sundays. Forget about doing anything like yoga.

We need to get Tucker to a once a week training class, but some classes are during the week and I just don't see where I'll have any time to fit it in.  So I just keep putting it off.

All of this leads to frustration and me in a generally bad mood all of the time. I feel like I should be getting more done.  Instead, I feel just like Loretta Lynn (as portrayed by Sissy Spacek), in Coal Miner's Daughter, just before she collapses and has a nervous breakdown,  "I'm not runnin my life anymore, my life's runnin' me."   Or something like that.  I think alot of the reason is my age and trying to keep up with little kids.  

And now, add work to the stress. Work was so easy, I didn't even realize how little I was using my brain. Now, though, my brain is trying to keep up. The girl who is our buyer will be leaving on maternity leave in mid to late August, and I was asked to replace her to "enter orders" while she's gone. I didn't think it would be a big deal so I accepted. Big mistake with this new, crotchety me. I've had five days of nonstop training and I am overwhelmed! Apparently they want me to basically do her job, entirely, while she's out.  There's so much to remember and it's all new and I frankly just want to either go back to my humdrum easy job or quit. Before this, even though I didn't relish having to work, it was a nice break from the boys and a chance to be around adults again and feel like I was contributing to something. Now I am dreading getting to work, totally burned out when I get home, and having dreams about part numbers and purchase orders.

I have to admit that part of my anger is at myself for not wanting to take on a challenge and learn something new.  I always thought I would look forward to learning things at any age.  But I guess I was thinking more about learning an instrument or sewing or something.  Not this.  Also, I don't want my boys to just think it's ok to quit at something that seems difficult at first.  I would want them to tough it out to see if it gets better after some time.  So I will do the same thing.  But I don't have to be happy about it.  

Balance

Isn't this a great picture? They look so little. I love Joel's feet, and the fact that even though it looks like he's got his hand on his sweet brother's arm, he's probably trying to remove it from around his shoulder.

A few thoughts on being a working mom. Up until now my hours and days were set up perfectly. With Gabriel going to school all three days at the same time I was working, and Joel now going two of the three, it didn't seem like any of my time with them was affected. But starting next week I will be working an extra day, so now I feel like I will be missing out. There's a constant, pressure-filled tug at me both ways. I know how much we need the money I make. But I also know how much I miss being able to relax more around the boys, when we didn't have to go anywhere or be up at any certain time.

The thing is, it's not really the actual work time that gets to me. It's the time it takes to get all the stuff unpacked from the current day and the making lunches, picking out clothes and packing up for the next day. That takes an hour of my time away from them. At least I'm home, and am still accessible to them if Gabriel has a question about the solar system or if Joel wants to show me which letters and numbers he's learned from school. And at least I'm getting faster at it now that we've been doing this for a year(!). I've come up with a few methods of saving time for them, like sorting and folding all laundry after bedtime. All I really have to do each day is throw a load in when we get home. Then I make sure to spend at least an hour playing with them before starting dinner. The thing I still haven't figured out how to squeeze in is housework. It'll get done eventually.

Having to shell out the money that it will take to send both of them to private school has been weighing heavily on my mind. One of the hardest things about being an older parent is that you think waaaaaayyyy too much about the future, like the fact that you will never really be able to retire. Ick. I was even seriously considering home-schooling for a while. I have never believed that home schooling is a real good idea. The lack of social life just seemed crazy to me. Now there seems to be many opportunities for home-schooled kids to have a social life, at least with other home-schooled kids. But Jav pointed out to me that it takes a certain kind of relationship between the home school parent/teacher and kid/student to make it work well. Like maybe one where the kid doesn't already, at the ripe old age of five, think that he's smarter than his mother? Yea, like that. Oh well, obviously not for us.

But now that I've really been thinking about it so hard my head hurts, the bottom line is that I just don't believe the Texas public schools will provide them with a good education, let alone keep them safe. So, I need to quit bitching about it and just buckle down and figure it out. I think I've done pretty well, considering I wasn't really supposed to work at all until Joel started kindergarten. My pay is good, my hours are perfect, and because my mother- and sister-in-law are so wonderful about keeping the boys, none of the money I earn has to go towards day care or a babysitter. And I don't have to worry about who's keeping the boys. That peace of mind is priceless.

I'm also coming to grips with the fact that when I go back to work full-time, I can't really do whatever I want to do, but need to stick with accounting because that's where the money is. This has also been a hard pill to swallow. I really wanted to work with special ed kids in some capacity. But to do that without further education will mean hardly any pay. And we can't afford to send me back to school. So the world of debits and credits will have me around for a long, long time. Sigh.

I just have to keep looking at those faces in the picture above. They will give me the strength and determination I need.

Mountain men they will never be...

...and I'm not so sure that's a good thing anymore.

Let me try to explain the genesis of my crazy thinking.

I think we have done a good job in starting the boys off on the right foot academically. They love to read, learn, and ask questions. I think as parents one of our main goals is to help them get "book smart". We want them to WANT to go school, make great grades, and get into a fantastic college. But what about common sense stuff? Or practical life lessons? Neither one of us can work on cars, figure out how to fix plumbing problems, or build things with wood. The only things I feel I can contribute on a practical level (besides basics like doing laundry) is to teach them about gardening, and possibly growing their own food.

But what if they need more than that to survive one day? What if something catastrophic occurs to take away our comfortable and relatively easy way of life? What if the food or water supply was contaminated or rendered somehow unsafe? Every time a story breaks about bacteria infecting people from a food source it scares the crap out of me. I think we have a tendency to hold onto blind faith that whatever is on the shelves of our grocery store is 100% safe to eat. Or what if global warming kicks in sooner rather than later, and drought becomes the norm? All of a sudden there's not enough food to feed everyone, and things start to get ugly.

Paranoid thinking, maybe, but not completely farfetched.

A couple of years ago, we were kind of sad to realize that there was no one to take Gabriel (this was before Joel) fishing. Well, we could take them, and I know how to attach a lure to the line and cast it. But if I ever caught a fish I wouldn't know the first thing about releasing it, let alone keeping it to clean, filet and serve for supper. My Uncle Robert used to take my family fishing, and although he threw most of what we caught back, he would sometimes keep one of the bigger ones and we would have some beautiful fresh fish filets for dinner that night. My mom, coming from a family of uncles on her dad's side that actually fished the Gulf commercially, claims she used to know how to clean them, but isn't too jazzed about trying it again. My dad would go fishing with his grandfather, Daddy Buck, but Dad never had the patience to actually sit and fish. He loved to hike, so that's what he would do while his grandfather fished.

Uncle Robert and his brothers all hunted too, and and could skin and butcher a deer without thinking about it. After all, their father (my maternal great grandfather) had been a butcher for his career. I have second and third cousins who killed their first buck before they were 10 years old. I used to play just outside my Uncle Robert's smokehouse, where he had different cuts of venison hanging everywhere and the smell was sometimes horrible, sometimes heavenly. But my parents never got into the hunting way of life. In fact, my Dad may have gone along on some hunting trips when he first started meeting my mother's family, but never had the stomach for killing another living creature. Which is the way I feel about it too.

Jav's dad never got into hunting or fishing either, and Jav himself was too busy playing baseball to worry about the outdoorsy stuff. So the boys have little or no knowledge to gain from their dad. Which up until now wouldn't really have bothered me. I've been a hater of guns and hunting for some time now. When we started having children, I just assumed they'd grow up in a gun-free home. That included toy guns, in my opinion. So other than a tiny plastic water gun that didn't work that someone gave him last summer, Gabriel hasn't had the word "gun" in his vocabulary. But he recently went to a classmates' cowboy-themed birthday party where the party favors were a hat, bandana and plastic water gun. He had a great time once he got home getting dressed up, especially once I told him there were some boots in his closet that someone gave us that probably almost fit him now. Then he told me while driving to school one morning this week that one of Tita and Tito's neighbors has a BB gun in his garage. How, I asked, did he know this? Because Tito took him to say "Happy New Year" and the man let him hold the BB gun, and may have even let him shoot it. The details are sketchy.

But the thing is, I am starting to wonder if they might someday NEED to know how to hunt or fish for their own food.

We would love for the boys to get involved in Boy Scouts, and my dad and I are on the verge of taking Gabriel on his first hike at the Fort Worth Nature Center. But even if they love it, it doesn't mean they'd end up even more outdoorsy. I asked Jav what he thought about getting them a BB gun when they're a little older, but only to shoot at targets in the back yard. He thinks I'm crazy in thinking that they won't try to aim at any animals. I wondered about archery electives, or taking them skeet shooting. At least they could practice at hitting a target. But the thing is, you could practice on non-living things your whole life, but it wouldn't give you ANY sense of what it would be like to actually track and kill a living creature.

There is a scene in "Into the Wild" that really grabbed me. It's towards the end of the movie, and college boy Chris McCandless has hitchhiked all the way to Alaska in his quest to turn his back on the establishment. He has read countless books on surviving in the wilderness. He kills a moose and is attempting to skin and butcher the animal before the meat starts to rot and becomes inedible. And this is where he realizes that reading things out of a book, no matter how fierce your determination to do them, is not the same as real life experience. He fails, and I felt his agony of realizing that not only did he kill that majestic animal for nothing, but that he may have blown his chance of finding real food for a long, long time.

So would the boys be able to turn into Mountain Men in a pinch, without having grown up going hunting and fishing? Probably not. I guess we need to hope that they become so successful after college that they have the money to hire someone to do it for them. And I'll have to keep pondering that BB gun issue.

A thank you to my son

You had me nervous before you ever came out.

You see, I didn't prepare and learn about all the issues of nursing a child before I had your brother. I thought it would be easy and simple. After all, women had been feeding their babies this way since the beginning of time. But your brother came out hungry, and we could never make it all work. Which broke my heart a little. So when I found out about you, I thought to myself that I had a second chance. But would I be able to pull it off? Make that would WE be able to pull it off?

Well, we began our journey really well. You were so laid back about everything, and didn't seem to mind that your mother is a complete control freak. Something that goes against the nature of nursing. But you were patient with me. You were probably amused by my late night phone calls to my friend Sue, who I consider the equivalent of a sponsor to an AA member - only my drug was control. Every time I spoke with her, she had to patiently remind me that you were the one who should be running the show, not me.

We got into a real rhythm by about your fourth month, and I was finally able to get it. THIS is why women breast feed. It felt like an extension of the miracle of pregnancy and birth. Not only could I grow you inside of me, but I also had this ability to feed and nourish you, almost like the umbilical cord became magically attached again every time you nursed. I was nervous at first about nursing you away from home. But we learned together to do it. No need to cart around bottles, or formula, or anything. We just needed you, and me. And even though you were too big to ever feed out in public (no blanket could keep you covered up), as long as I could find a bathroom stall or empty room, we could be comfortable. Anytime you needed it, anywhere we happened to be, I could give you food.

Early on I read a book or watched TV while you ate at home, but sometime around your sixth month I decided to only pay attention to you. I sang songs to you, which you really seemed to like. I stroked your downy, fuzzy head which I know you loved, and still do. But the things you gave to me were so much bigger than anything I gave to you. I felt a connection to all the other women who came before me and did this. I felt in touch with the rhythms of the earth. I felt a relief from just letting go. But I mostly felt really, really peaceful. No matter how crazy our day had been going, or how frantic you seemed if you woke up at night, all it took was five minutes to get us both so relaxed we could go to sleep.

We had some rough spots here and there. You started getting your teeth in, and had to learn that a biting boy ends up a hungry boy. OUCH! But it only took two interruptions for you to figure that out. You are so big that we had to try a couple of different places where we could both be comfortable, ending up on an ottoman that we stuck in the middle of your room. That became such an important piece of furniture, and even though it is back in its place in the living room I will never sit on it without feeling the weight of you in my arms, remembering the sight of your sweet profile and the feel of your little hands on my face.

I find myself looking at you doing different things around the house, playing or watching TV, and I can feel my milk start to come in. I have an urge to grab you and let you eat, and start it all up again. Because even though you have been ready for this for weeks, I am still not ready, and I don't believe I would ever have been truly ready. Because when we were together, doing our thing, my addiction to control had finally given way to an addiction to peace. And because I know I will never do any of these miraculous things again. This ending brings an ending to the magic of having a baby.

But see, here's where you have come through for me again. Bedtime, which could have been hard for me to get through, has turned into a special, fun time each night. After I came up with the idea of singing one song with you before rocking and singing you to sleep, you decided to start playing a new game. You point to different squares on the wonderful quilt that Susan made for you, and want me to tell what it is, and sing a song about it. And hearing your funny babble, seeing your little thumb and index finger pressed together pointing, and knowing how happy you are has made it so easy for me to move on. Instead of the wistful sadness I was sure I would feel each night, I find myself looking forward to bedtime now just as much as before. And I realize, every night, watching you and holding you, that not only did we pull it off, but we did a fantastic job. We should both be so very, very proud.

Lost innocence

I love this picture of Cade reading to Gabriel.

Gabriel is growing up so fast. I'm not sure when it happened that he is almost not a toddler anymore. I needed to buy him some bigger undies and didn't realize that toddler sizes stop at 4T. I wandered over to the big boy clothes and found some, and had to stop myself from tearing up a little. I am so pathetic. I waited such a long time to have these boys, and wasn't sure at times if I would get to have any kids. So every day of them being small and being here with me has been a gift.

But having an almost non-toddler brings on some new challenges. Gabriel just recently started noticing what other kids are wearing and let me know that he wants a matching backpack and lunchbox set just like his classmate Joseph has. In a way, this is good because it's easy to understand what he really wants. But I'm sure it could lead to conversations that I'm sure I had with my mother, "But HE has one, so how come you won't let me get one?" Sigh. Payback is heck.

On a more serious note, we know we need to start the conversation about stranger danger and keeping private parts private and all of that. I have occasionally tried but it hasn't gone well. I HATE being the one who has to destroy Gabriel's total innocence and utmost faith in the good of mankind. Because he has that right now. He waves to people at the grocery store and tells the guy at the drive-thru window that he has a baby brother named Joel. He tried to tell our waiter at Campo Verde tonight that the fire trucks were out at the fire station when we drove by. He has no reason to believe that there are people in the world who might try to hurt him. I never saw this coming, never realized how tough it would be. I've been stalling on figuring out how to talk to him. But I know times being what they are we must find a way to have the discussion for his own safety.

In the meantime, we have ourselves a little drummer boy. He has been practicing his drums at least four times a day, playing for 15 - 20 minutes each time. His stamina is improving with each day. So, sometimes we think we should find someone to give him lessons, as long as they are used to teaching kids that young and won't teach the fun out of it. And sometimes we think he's still too young for that much direction and seems to be having so much fun that we really shouldn't interfere. We're leaning towards trying it and if he likes it, we'll keep it up at least through the summer. If he doesn't, we'll quit and maybe try again in a year or so.

New shoes

We went to do some formal shoe shopping for the boys last night. All I have done up until now is use hand-me-downs, birthday and Christmas gifts, and an occasional purchase from a random shoe store for the boys' shoes. I knew that Joel has needed some that fit him better for about two months. But just didn't want to take the time to get to Stride Rite, the holy grail of shoe stores for kids, because it was kind of a long drive to The Parks mall in Arlington. And also because I knew it was gonna be expensive. Then about two weeks ago we noticed Joel had these weird blister looking things on almost all of his toes - yuck. It turns out he can't wear Crocs right now because he still turns his little toes in so much while walking, and all that rubbing causes the skin to flake. Double yuck. And since he only had those and his tiny tennis shoes, he was kind of up a creek.

So we finally loaded them up and made a fun afternoon out of it. We decided to check Gabriel's size too, because I thought his tennis shoes were looking kind of small. (Not very scientific, but at least it entered my brain). It turns out both boys need wide widths. Gabriel was only one size too small. Joel was two. Ouch. Hopefully I haven't ruined his feet for the rest of his life. We walked out with new tennies and water shoes for both boys, but since they were having a good sale it didn't his us that hard in the pocketbook. Joel wouldn't stop looking at his feet walking around the mall afterwards. He probably couldn't figure out why his little toes weren't all smushed together, and marveled that he could actually move them around.

Up until now I think I must admit one big parenting FAIL when it comes to shoes, but I have seen the light! I will now be making the pilgrimage to Stride Rite once a year to check their sizes and make a yearly purchase. I believe in the power of freer, wiggly toes!

From Disappointment to Bursting with Parental Pride

The grandmothers anxiously awaiting a performance that never came.

Jav and sister Sandra, who really should win the Tia of the Year award, every year.

Gabriel looks tense already, doesn't he? I was concerned at this point. Look at Joel hamming it up with his fake smile face. How do you know how to do a fake smile face when you're not even two?

We attended Gabriel's school fundraising event Thursday night, along with both grandmothers and one Tia. You see, he was supposed to get on stage and sing. But he didn't. He had a mini freak-out and started saying he wanted to go home as soon as the first group started getting off the stage. I had my hands full of a very cranky and Mommy-centric Joel, so Jav carried him up to the stage and hoped to talk him into joining his classmates. But no, he just wouldn't do it. So what to do as a parent? You can't take him kicking and screaming and make him stand up there. I wish I had just tuned out Joel and taken Gabriel myself, but that probably wouldn't have worked either. I had forgotten that last year the same thing almost happened, but we got lucky when one of his teachers passed our table on the way up to the stage and whisked Gabriel up there with her before he had a chance to protest.

I don't want Gabriel to have fear dictate to him what does and doesn't do as he grows up. I was that way for the better part of my life and have some regrets about it. I realize that he's still very young to be thinking about this. I guess I'm wondering, at what age do we sort of nudge him to do something that he really doesn't want to do, when we know that he will have fun doing it. I had a talk with him the next morning, and told him that after all that practicing that he sort of let down his classmates, his teachers, and most of all himself by not making himself get on stage and sing. He missed out on having some fun, and sharing his wonderful voice with all of us. He just kept saying, "But it's okay Mommy."

Then, later that same day, we visited the school where my dad is principal, Jo Kelly. We had not been for several years and his two secretaries really wanted to see Gabriel and meet Joel. My mom came too, since dad is about to retire and she may not get another chance to visit him there. Jo Kelly is the only Fort Worth public school where severely mentally and physically challenged kids can attend. I didn't realize that my dad wanted to take us around to classrooms, so I didn't have time to prepare Gabriel for anything. The kids are almost all in wheelchairs, and range from barely moving to having severe spasms, and from remaining totally quiet to verbal and sometimes shouting. The first classroom was quite a shock to the little guy, but my dad saw his face and leaned down to tell him that most of the kids here are disabled, but they are still kids just like him.

Gabriel proceeded to amaze me. He brightened right up, seemed to accept everyone just the way they were, started waving "Hi" to most of the kids, and even went up to talk to a few of the higher functioning kids when prompted by a teacher. He was downright charming with the teachers. I have never been so proud of him as I was walking through that school. And I told him so when we got back to the car. I really hope that he remembers the visit, and can continue to be accepting of people, especially kids, who are different.

Little things

These are Gabriel's bathroom buddies. The first pretending he ever did was with them in the tub. Their names are Peaky (we thought he said Pinky, but were quickly corrected), Purple Wyme (once again, we thought he said Purple Wine, but couldn't figure out how he knew anything about that), Sally, Bluto and Greenie. Most nights recently they have a Buddy band with various rotating instruments. Joel took a shine to Peaky from the get-go and wouldn't let go of him during the whole bath at first.

We decided Joel needed his own Buddies, but of course he like the original ones better. Gabriel only plays with these, so we let him name them also. Allow me to introduce Bluey Blue, Orangey, Reddy Freddy and Greenie-Back to you.

This gentleman we just call Turtle. He has been a huge part of both of the boys' crib time. He plays 5 or 6 songs, with a very quiet and pretty sound, and also has a button for wave noises. The two little fish move and another button turns on a soothing bluish-green light. Joel uses him much more than Gabriel did, though, and has relied on him for a much longer period of time. Gabriel didn't seem to need him much after four or five months. Joel's loved him for about nine months, and is still going strong. He used to help him get to sleep, but doesn't need him for that anymore. We hear him in the middle of the night often, and especially in the morning once Joel is ready to get up.

I will be a very sad Mommy when it's time to take Turtle down for good.

I haven't done any comparison pictures lately, but this was too good to pass up. Look how different they are! Not just in looks, either, but in personality. Gabriel - careful and fearful/Joel - no cares or fear. Gabriel - quiet (at least, WAS quiet at that age)/Joel-world's loudest baby. Gabriel - loves books/Joel - throws them across the room. They both have two loves, however - music and trucks.

It never really stops

I have been anticipating the first birthday of Joel with much trepidation. Thinking of this child leaving babyhood has been tough for me, for there are no more to follow now. No joy mixed with fear at the finding of a new pregnancy. No wonder over the feel of a new life growing inside of me. No excitement mixed with anxiety over labor and delivery. No marvel at a new baby's face, as they morph from resembling one side of the family to the other each morning. It literally makes me ache with sadness.

But then something happened last week that has made the coming event a little easier. I got sick. With a 24-hour bug that packed a punch. Friday afternoon I was supposed to take the boys to pick up Molly at the vet. That was all we had on our plate. By 3:30 or so I was so chilled and my energy level so low that I started to wonder if I could even get them both in the car. My temperature dropped to 96.2, and even with layers of clothes and blankets I could not get warm. Luckily I managed to get both boys asleep, which is almost impossible to do at the same time these days. I consider that happening Divine Intervention. I started trying to call Jav, but he was having serious goings-on at work and couldn't get away. I then called my Dad to see if he would pick up Molly on his way home from work. He said he could and would. One issue taken care of. After he dropped her off, the virus really kicked in and I will spare you the details.

I knew I could maybe handle taking care of Gabriel, but not Joel. It's too physical, and I had nothing. Zip. Nada. No energy to even lift my head off the pillow. Tia Sandie came to get Gabriel to go see a basketball game. I'm glad because I know he was worried when he saw my crumpled body on the couch, even though he is too much of a big boy to admit it. So what do you do when you are that sick? You call your Mama. That's what I did. She came, gatorade and Sprite bottles in hand, and took over Joel for me. By then my fever had risen to 102.5. I don't really remember the two hours she was here, other than hearing Joel laugh, and her face in my bedroom doorway to ask a question now and then. She was here until Jav finally made it home sometime around 8 pm.

It made me think of almost a year ago, when my father not only drove me to the hospital the night before I was induced to have Joel, but then stayed with me when Jav couldn't get away from work that night either. I was having strong contractions, timed far enough apart that I didn't think anything would happen. But my dear Dad insisted on staying with me just in case. He seemed nervous while we waited, though, and I now realize it was because he is old school. I think the thought of being present when I had the baby really terrified him! Or maybe it was more about having to see me be in that much pain and be helpless to really do anything. But the thing is, just by being there, even in the same hospital, he was helping.

When you decide to become a parent, at least a GOOD parent, you do so for life. No matter if your child is 3 months, 3 years, 23 years, or 43 years. If they need you, you respond in the same way. You get there. It made me realize that my job truly is just beginning. I will hopefully have many more years of being there for them when they need me. The only difference is that there will be periods where they don't appreciate it as much as Joel does now. Gabriel has entered one of those periods, unless he needs me in the middle of the night. But Joel seems so thankful all day long just because I'm here. Just as I was thankful to have my Mom Friday night. And just as my parents have passed on their parenting skills and dedication to me, I will try to pass on that thankfulness to my boys.

Posting gap

Aunt April with Joel. He actually fell asleep a few minutes after this was taken.

I'm really trying to get better about posting, but the past two weekends and in between have been crazy.

We had our six year anniversary on the 8th. We went out for a nice long dinner at Lily's Bistro on Magnolia. GREAT food and reasonable prices. It had a very European sidewalk cafe feel about it, Jav and I both agreed. Then Mother's Day was the 9th. Jav and Gabriel went to Mass with Jav's Mom, while I staged a slight protest about having to get up early and rush around on Mother's Day and stayed home with Joel. In fact, I was moving so slowly that I made us late for Esperanza's for lunch and we had to wait in a ginormous line. I felt pretty bad. But it was really fun once we got seated, and they always have great food.

Then during the week Gabriel got sick again. It was kind of a relapse from his earlier congestion and cough, but the cough was much worse this time. He couldn't sleep, and spent a night with Mommy again. He finally was able to settle down and stop coughing around 3 or so. We were both wrecks the next day! We decided to take him to the doctor again, and ended up seeing a doctor in our group that had once seen my brother as a baby! Dr. Scroggie has to be getting close to retiring, but he's still going strong and is SOOOOO wonderful with Gabriel when we've had to go to him. And God bless him, he gave us an antibiotic this time. I'm not thrilled about how often Gabriel is having to take them, but he's been sick pretty steadily for over two months now, and I think he needed some help to kick this.

We had a Baptism class for Joel Thursday night, which I think is a crazy time to have a class for people with infants. We took separate cars in case Joel started to have a meltdown. 7-9 is supposed to be bath and bedtime, not "here's a roomful of strangers and please don't make a fuss" time. I thought there might be a quiet corner where I could feed him during the class if needed, but they had 30 people show up, the largest turnout they'd ever had! So I missed part of the video they show while in the bathroom feeding him, and he still wanted his cereal, so I took him home after the tour of the font. It's not like we haven't done this before, people! We learned that our new priest favors the total immersion approach, where the baby goes in back first and doesn't get his face wet, but the rest of him gets doused. At first this seemed to be going overboard to me, but then we figured that he will probably cry either way, so why not? This is horrible to say, but Jav thinks people like the spectacle of the baby that freaks out as opposed to one who stays quiet during the whole ceremony (kind of like how people go to a Nascar race just to see the wrecks). It wakes everybody up.

I spent most of the week and all day Saturday cleaning my house, inside and out. My side of the family came for lunch yesterday, and it was the first time we've had them over since Gabriel's birthday last September. So it was the first time my house has been that clean since then, too! It was a good dry run for my Book Club meeting next month. I had a sudden burst of energy to clean after I took Bones to the vet Thursday morning. He had been acting like his back around his tail was hurt or something, and his hair had gotten a bit thinner there. Well, the vet found two fleas crawling on him! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! I kicked into panic whirlwind vacuuming and laundry mode, with a staging area for every piece of bedding that he had come in contact with for the past week. It took me two days just to wash everything. So far I think we've avoided disaster, only because Bones is so sensitive and completely freaked out as a warning. And I love having the house this clean. I feel like I deserve a week off from cleaning now.

We had a great day yesterday. It was supposed to rain, but luckily had cleared off by the time everybody arrived. We had baked spaghetti, garlic bread and a big salad. And for some reason I was craving Italian Cream Cake for dessert. Simple, but delicious. We had to get the two leaves out for our dining room table for the first time since we bought it. We are a larger family unit now with my uncle living in town, and three out of four cousins sitting at the table now. Once Joel gets old enough for a regular chair we'll have to buy an extra, since we are eleven total. How wonderful is that? I think when we bought the table we never thought that we'd fill it up, let alone need an extra space. We have some major things going on with Cade right now that I don't want to post about yet, and it was so nice to hug both he and Macy, even though I don't get to see them much when we host everybody. I love my niece and nephew soooooooo much!!! And Gabriel set up a lookout post in front of the picture window around 11:00 and couldn't be convinced to come down until they showed up.

Joel is maturing so fast. He is sitting in a high chair now during meals and loves being up off the floor level. He little hands are grabbing at everything, and he's doing this funny lunge for things when he really has to concentrate. The interaction between the brothers is getting so cute. It's almost like Joel finally realized that this bigger whirl of energy that comes at his face all the time is his brother, and now looks forward to seeing him.

I figured out one of the wonderful things about having a baby around as opposed to an older child is the way they look at their mother with just so much love. From morning until night, his little face just lights up every single time he sees me. It's something that Gabriel doesn't do as much now, and I hadn't realized I missed it.

Ok, I am caught up on all of our happenings and ready to move on to other topics.

Things forgotten

I've said before in this blog that there are many things I had forgotten about when Gabriel was a baby. One of the biggest was getting up at night with him and how hard it was to get him back to sleep. Now that I am going through it with Joel, it's all coming back to me.

I always had better luck getting Gabriel to go to sleep if I was standing and rocking him, instead of sitting in the rocking chair. Joel is the same way. I remember sometimes almost falling asleep while walking around the room with Gabriel, and thinking that seemed impossible! But I've already almost done it a couple of times with Joel too. I remember how hard it was to lay Gabriel back down in the crib without waking him up again because he was so big and heavy. I think Joel may be bigger than Gabriel at four months, so I'm having trouble there too. I think I'm getting close, then I almost drop him about a foot because the mattress is much further away than I realized. And then there were/are the floor boards. The dang creaky floorboards that I would try to memorize by location. Because let me tell you, if you step on a truly squeaky floor board, it will bring a soundly sleeping baby wide awake. And you will want to cry you are so mad at yourself. I've learned to never wear shoes, only socks or barefoot, because it's easier to avoid the creaks. I think they actually get used certain ones they hear night after night. But if you happen to find a new one - watch out!

Joel is having good nights and bad nights these days. We finally broke ourselves of swaddling him, which was just making him mad. He wants to MOVE! But he has a bad habit of rubbing his eyes when he wakes up a little, and next thing you know he's awake and crying. But most nights now he seems to have learned to get himself back to sleep. I never thought about feeding Gabriel when he would wake up like this several times during the night, but because Joel is a breast fed baby I have to feed him to get him back to sleep, or he gets REALLY mad. That kid has a temper. And I think he's cutting a tooth because he's Drooly McDroolster and trying to bite on everything he gets his hands on. I think his teething is what wakes him up on tough nights. Last night I finally gave up after trudging in there 3 times and brought him back to bed with me so I could get some sleep. I'm really trying to not do that unless I'm desperate. And I was this morning.

Jav was out of town this past week for three nights. I always face these trips with much trepidation, but it ends up being pretty fun. My strategy is to act like a grandparent instead of a parent while he's gone. We watch more TV than usual, eat food that is really bad for us, usually in our pajamas, and sometimes skip baths. It keeps Mommy sane until Daddy gets home.

Parenting woes

Seeing Yo Yo Ma the other night at Bass Hall has got me thinking about Gabriel and his love of music, and whether or not we should start taking him to lessons or just keep letting him do his own thing. Ma started playing the cello when he was four (after playing the violin for a year), and it was then that his parents discovered they had a child prodigy on their hands. Now, I'm not saying Gabriel is a prodigy, but he definitely has an ear for music. He can drum out the beat to songs and can pick out different instruments playing. Music is the thing that makes his face light up, it's the thing he turns to when we are frustrating him, or when his brother is screaming and he needs comforting.

I fear the "missed opportunity", where we blindly go on like we are now when taking another step might turn him into a real musician one day. But if we push, he could lose interest altogether, which would be a tragedy also. What to do, what to do? We ask him if he wants to take lessons, and he says yes, but he is still of the age where he says yes to everything we ask him. The music class he took last summer was more of a kinetic movement/learning type of class instead of really learning music and rhythm. And Gabriel didn't want to follow directions, and just sort of did what he wanted. Since Jav and I are both followers, not leaders, we were kind of proud of him for doing his own thing.

The only interest I ever had growing up was to be like everybody else and be popular. I took piano lessons but never practiced so was just so-so after nine years. I took dance but didn't really have my heart in it. I was afraid to do any kind of sports because I was sure I would let my team down. Nothing I did stirred any passions in me, as far as I can remember. Looking back, I think I would have been really good and track and field, but even if I had thought of it back then, I probably wouldn't have had the nerve to try. Young kids that realize what they want to do one day and start working for that goal just baffle me. But if my boys find their paths early I will be behind them, just like I will be if they don't seem to have any direction at all. I just want both boys to be happy, to be themselves and to not worry what other people think. But how do you translate that desire to them, how do you really make them understand? At least they are young and I have a little time to figure that out.

Weight

The vet informed me that Molly had gained 10 pounds this winter. With her arthritis, this is bad. The fact that we haven't been able to walk her much since Joel came and because of cold weather has apparently taken its toll. Now that the weather is finally warmer, I hope to walk her three times a week, adding to Jav's twice. This should get her back in shape pretty quickly. We want our hound of a dog to be around a few more years at least!

And I hope I will reap some of that benefit too. Gabriel's favorite thing to do outside right now is to run from me all over the yard. Having two babies has changed my shape and the extra weight I am still carrying is so bad that I literally cannot run anymore. I used to be in really good shape so this has come as kind of a shock. I keep trying, but I just end up loping for a few steps then resorting to walking really fast to catch him. It's truly pathetic. I know I don't have time to exercise any more than walking right now, and I don't really want to cut back too much on calories since I'm still nursing. But as soon as that's done, watch out you extra 20 pounds. I'm coming after you.

Hazy shade of winter

I'm still in a fog from lack of sleep, spending all day indoors due to weather, and dealing with two kids all day and evening long. I told my brother it's like hibernating in a baby cave, where you are isolated from normal people and news events for awhile. We had a rare nice afternoon this week and going outside for an hour makes all the difference in the world, probably not just for me but for Gabriel too.

Joel is such a good baby in many ways, but he is a difficult nurser. He likes to eat totally on his own terms, and that means after about 8 to 10 minutes, he's through. In the mornings he will go two hours or more without wanting any more. In the late afternoon/evenings he usually eats for a longer stretch, but only makes it about an hour to an hour and a half before wanting more. But then he sleeps at least 5 hours through at night, which I cannot complain about AT ALL. One night this week he went 7-1/2 hours. Of course, I got up thinking he would wake up at any moment instead of sleeping in with him. I do get a little tired of nursing him so often in the evenings. It basically means I can't play with Gabriel in the afternoons and Jav is pretty much in charge of Gabriel until bedtime. If I can get Joel to sleep before Gabriel goes to bed, I can at least go in and read and sing to him before it's lights out for him.

I feel like my lack of attention to Gabriel has taken a small toll. He has been hitting lately. He's only hit Jav and me a couple of times, and the stern talks and time-outs that he received seems to have had some affect on him. But I see him hitting his stuffed animals, slamming his hand into the floor or walls, and I believe it's because of aggressive feelings about the baby. At least he is bright enough to know to never take it out on Joel, but I still would never leave them alone together just in case. I don't think Gabriel has a sense yet of what "hurting someone" actually means. This is really tough for me to see. I have been much better about taking the small stolen moments when Joel is sleeping to try and play with Gabriel, but half the time he doesn't want to play with me, like he's already given up on me. And I am truly trying to not lose patience with him, even when he squares off and says, "NO!" when I ask him to do something. Which he does all day long, especially if Joel is crying or I am nursing Joel because he knows it's difficult for me to get up and make him. I noticed that I was doing much more yelling from the couch trying to get him to mind, which isn't a good thing to do either. My goal for Lent is to stop yelling so much at everyone, especially Gabriel and Molly, and then to stick with it after Lent is over. I think this is much more productive than giving up sweets.

And speaking of Molly, our poor pets are pretty neglected these days too. They live for all of us to go in the backyard and play. That's when they are all at their happiest. But this cruel winter has not allowed for that very often, and with all the Joel/Gabriel attention it's left them a little lost. I manage to walk Molly once a week, but will be doing that more with Joel once it warms up. Jav tries to walk her another two nights a week, which helps keep her arthritis at bay. Zoe seems to tolerate anything we throw at her, but it makes me feel so guilty to see how excited she gets when it's time for me to brush her for two minutes before I go to bed every night. All of that happiness for only two minutes of attention? Bones is the only pet who has shown some aggressive behavior, but luckily, like Gabriel, knows better than to take it out on the baby. He takes it out on either Zoe or my favorite red chair in the living room. He'll walk around the house meowing for someone to pay attention to him for a half hour, then he starts to snap and run around the house making that weird "Cat on Attack" noise.

I know all of this will get better. Joel is getting sitting in the swing for longer periods of time, and is starting to enjoy time on the activity mat. And no matter how hard the day is, I always remember two things in the back of my head. One is that I'm so thankful for these two kids that even though it's hard I can't imagine my life without them now. And two is that they stay little for such a SHORT amount of time, and I need to relax and enjoy it while it lasts.

Long days

Why is it when you have a newborn that every day seems to last about 72 hours long? And that's with a good baby. Because Joel is a good baby. He's sleeping in 2-3 hour stretches at night, and takes short cat naps during the day. He has his moments when he gets really tired and cranky, but that's only towards the end of the evening. Our biggest issue has been breast feeding, due to his sleepiness and me continually trying to make it harder than it needs to be. But I think we finally made it past the learning curve and are doing pretty well now. It's amazing to me how much you forget about having a newborn. I had not forgotten about labor, but I had forgotten about how helpless this little guy would be, and about the crying and how horrible it can make you feel when you can't stop it.

It also seems much harder this time because we have Gabriel. He is very sweet and never complains outright about the fact that

I have very little time to sit down and play with just him. But I know he is a little irritated because he doesn't want me to play with him if I'm holding Joel. And he has definitely reverted back somewhat and cowers behind me when I try to drop him off at Mother's Day Out. He loves testing me these days, which leaves me feeling like all I do is gripe at him all day long. And I don't even want to discuss potty training, or our lack thereof.

And then there's me and my OCD about having no clutter and a clean house. When Gabriel was a baby, if he took a short nap I would try to get some cleaning or laundry done. I realized that if Joel takes a short nap I need to try to play with or read to Gabriel. If I go absolutely bonkers because the house is such a mess, so be it. Which, of course, is easier said than done. Sometimes I just can't stand it and pick up the broom. Then I feel guilty when Gabriel comes up later and asks if I want to play and I'm feeding Joel and can't get up off the couch. That has definitely been the hardest part of this so far. And getting used to functioning on only 4-5 hours of sleep within a 24-hour period.

Jav has really stepped it up in more ways than I can count, He is feeding the pets in the morning, doing the dishes after dinner, and putting Gabriel to bed most evenings. (He was already giving him a bath every night.) I am so lucky to have such a fantastic husband and father to my kids.

The weather hasn't helped the long days either, with the coldest temps we've had in a long time keeping us all inside and with growing cabin fever. I don't think there's ever been a stretch this long that I haven't gone outside since I've been an adult. I probably am suffering from a vitamin D deficiency. But with temps in the teens and 20's, there's no way we're going outside.

We've also had stresses around the house too lately, like our garage door broke and we couldn't get the car out for a couple of days. We finally got them both fixed, though, and now it's been great to load up the kids in the warmer garage before heading out. Our vacuum cleaner is falling apart. Then during the last cold snap we woke up with no water coming out of the kitchen sink. I guess we should have taken my Dad''s advice and had a plumber come and wrap the pipes in the attic (or at least we could have remembered to keep a slow drip going). I think we dodged a bullet, though, because after Jav and my Dad did some things to try to thaw out the pipes we had running water by lunch time and nothing had busted.

But there are the truly sweet moments, like today when I was nursing Joel and Gabriel crawled in the big green chair with us to watch TV. I am still pinching myself that I get to have two kids. It also helps to keep me awake!

Waiting for your destiny

Jav and I have decided it's a very strange feeling when you are in the last weeks before a baby comes. I'm sure with the first baby the strange feeling was stronger since we had NO idea what we were getting into! You would think the feeling wouldn't be as anxious the second time around, and it's not. But there are still some unknowns - like what it will be like to have two (one of whom will demand constant attention), will this one sleep well, will Gabriel adjust well to him.... on and on.

So when the doctor set the "Date to Induce" to be next Tuesday, the clock on all that has become normal and routine in our lives started to tick down. It's just a strange mix of joy, excitement and curiosity to meet the new guy, and a little dread at knowing how little sleep we will be getting and that nothing will be routine. Being a self-admitted control freak, I thrive on routine. And Gabriel now thrives on routine, so his little world is about to get a shock also. We have our lives down to a nice rhythm now and there's not too many unexpected things that occur during our day. A new baby is going to be a big, sweet bundle full of unexpected for awhile.

And I cannot wait to hold that bundle. To see his face and smell him... to feel that softer than soft baby skin, and slowly get to see his personality develop. I got a glimpse of his profile at the ultrasound Tuesday and I don't think his cheeks will be as big as Gabriel's were, and I'm now wondering what else will be different about him. It's also a wonderful feeling to know Gabriel will now have a brother. He got a little upset when I told him that the baby will be sleeping in our room for awhile. He wants him to be in his room, which is all fine and good as long as he's the quiet lump moving around in Mommy's tummy. He may be glad of the arrangement once he realizes that the lump is going to cry, eat and poop - and not much else.

And so we all wait for Tuesday, when everything gets turned upside down in our little world. And a big bouncing baby boy fills that little world with more love.

Happy Thanksgiving!

The good, bad and ugly of pregnancy

When I found out I was pregnant again, and made it past the "scary" time, I told myself that I would really try to enjoy this pregnancy - seeing that it will be my last. Those first four and a half months were so rough, though, between worrying about what might go wrong and being nauseous all day after 2 pm, every day. Once I started feeling a little better, I did start to really enjoy it for about three months. The baby started moving, which really is a miraculous feeling. To know that my child is growing inside of me is something that moves me so profoundly that I really can't stop to think about it too hard or I wouldn't be able to go about my day.

When I hit around eight months, I started to hurt more, especially my legs. I know I've gained more weight than I should have, even though I haven't gained any more than I did with Gabriel (YET). But this big guy seems heavier than Gabriel ever did. And I was working with Gabriel, which meant I could sit and put my feet up more all day long. The constant being on my feet has really taken a toll on me, especially at night when my legs get stiff from not getting enough blood flow. I can barely walk when I get up and have to stand for awhile to make sure my legs will work. Then I started having these really bad back spasms when I stood still for any length of time (like to cook or do the dishes). That seems to be better now, and we're thinking it might have been related to the 100% humidity that we had during that time. I was still walking Molly up until a few weeks ago, but then I had a really bad walk one day where it felt like all of my belly ligaments were starting to sag and I ended up having to actually hold my belly with one hand while I slowly made my way home. So walks are done for now, which makes both me and Molly sad.

One of the hardest things about this physically has been not being able to play with Gabriel like I want to. He's so much more mature and never stops moving now. I feel like all I do all day is tell him "Mommy can't get on the floor anymore", "Mommy can't run right now", "Mommy can't jump", "Mommy needs to sit down and rest". He's probably ready to trade me in for a newer, funner model at this point! But he has been really sweet about it, and loves to kiss my tummy to say hi to the baby. I'll have one especially sweet memory after his nap one day. Gabriel woke up crying from having a bad dream, so I took him to the rocker and held him. The baby got hiccups and Gabriel happened to be laying right where he could feel them, which he thought was pretty funny, and I thought was wonderful.

There are things emotionally going on too, like thinking too much about what it will be like after the baby is here. Will I be too tired all the time to be a good, fun Mom like I want to be? Will I be cranky and snappy all the time? Will I be able to lose all of this weight? Is trying to breast feed going to stress me out so bad that I can't enjoy either of my kids? (I did not have a good experience with Gabriel, so really want to try again with this one). Obviously, living in the present would be a better idea since I can have no way of knowing any of these things.

One of the most surprising emotions that has hit me recently is a sadness about the relationship between Gabriel and I. I know it will change forever when the baby comes, and I feel sometimes like just holding onto him and trying to spend as much time as I can with him before that happens. It's not that I think we don't have enough love for two kids, it's just this melancholy and nostalgic feeling that I haven't quite had enough time with just Gabriel. This was a feeling I never expected to have. And I think I'm even empathetic about how he's going to feel to have to share us with another kid. But my sensible and wonderful husband says to just think about the fact that we are giving him a brother, and how much happiness we hope that will bring him one day. That does make it better.

I'm getting excited about meeting this new little guy. I wonder who he will look like, will he have lots of hair (Gabriel didn't), will his personality be similar or completely opposite of Gabriel's. Fun stuff to be thinking about, and sometimes I still have to pinch myself that this is really happening. So despite all of the physical and emotional toll this seems to be taking on me, I still think that being pregnant is the best feeling in the whole world.

Potty training woes

I'm not sure if it's because we didn't wrap our brains around this one particular part of parenting soon enough, or if Gabriel is just a little slower than average in developmental stages, but we are having a time with potty training.

We bought him a potty chair too early, I realize now. I think he had just turned 2? Or maybe even 18 months. He wanted to sit in it lots at first. Now he protests almost every time I ask if he wants to sit in it. I started the T. Berry Brazelton book on potty training, but realized Gabriel had not reached all of the steps showing that he is ready to try this (Dr. Brazelton's approach is that they have to come around on this ON THEIR OWN, without much pushing with Mom and Dad if you want long-term success).

But the pressures of society, I guess, got us thinking that we really needed to start thinking about this since he's three now. We set up a box of favorite books by the chair, and said those were his special potty chair books now. This worked for a little while. But now he tries to take the books to his room instead of leaving them in the bathroom, which just starts another conflict. We started using pullups in the hope that he would not like the feeling of being wetter, but he doesn't seem to mind walking around completely soaked. This makes me frustrated and guilty that I forget to check him more often.

I asked my friend Christine for advice, and she said I should be taking him to sit on the potty chair every two hours or so. Well, trying that often makes Gabriel really upset, which is one of the things Dr. Brazelton says will do alot of damage. Christine also suggested letting him wear normal underpants so that he would really feel the wetness, as long as I was prepared to do laundry all the time. I haven't convinced myself that this would be a good idea yet, mostly because Gabriel just doesn't seem to mind being wet.

I've tried reasoning, comparisons to other kids, even tears. It just doesn't seem like he's the least bit interested, which is very disheartening to me. I'm trying to resign myself to not put any pressure on him, but it's getting tougher since I wanted to be farther along in this process when the new baby gets here. I've been told that he will probably regress a little bit when that happens, but right now we have no place to regress from!

Gabriel has triplets in his Mother's Day Out class that turn three in December, and their Mom already has them trained. I realize this was probably out of monetary necessity (she also has an almost one-year-old.) Can you imagine having to buy all those diapers? - UGH. But this made me feel like an utter failure. I still want to ask her what method she used if I can catch her one day. But in the meantime I think I will just lay off for awhile until I come up with a new plan. Or maybe I need to let Gabriel take the reins and just try to gently guide. I have no idea. AAGGGHHHHH!!!!

The sadness of Puff

This post goes along with my post about Gabriel turning three. Last week I was sad to hear about the passing of Mary Travers of Peter, Paul and Mary. I dug out my Best of PP & M CD, which is the same as my parents' album I listened to as a kid. I love many of the songs, and of course grew up listening to Puff, The Magic Dragon. But even as a youngster I could sense something sad about that song. I think I thought it was really sad that Puff had no one to play with after the boy moved onto other things.

I played the song for Gabriel on the way home from Mother's Day Out. When they got to the last verse, and the words go, "A dragon lives forever, but not so little boys," it hit me that I was listening to the song for the first time as a parent, and the sadness took on a whole new level. My baby has turned into a toddler, and it's truly just flown by. Needless to say, I almost had to pull over with tears running down my face and Gabriel asking, "Mama are you ok?" repeatedly from the back seat. Maybe it's good to be reminded of how fast they grow up so that I will try to enjoy every living second of having him little, before the dragon ceases his fearless roar.