Beatles Tuesday...literally

Tuesday I sing Beatles songs to Gabriel and Joel at bedtime. Or any other time of the day, like bath time. Yellow Submarine is a great bath song.

So since Jav is out of town, it has been a tiresome couple of days for me. Joel was particularly fussy all day long, with his cold and teething hitting him at the same time. I tried to put him down before putting Gabriel to bed, but he was having no part of that. So I fed him while reading to Gabriel, then sang a song and told Gabriel good night and moved into Joel's room to try to get him asleep. I kept thinking I heard Gabriel, but the humidifier in Joel's room cushions the sound from next door pretty well, so he had to yell before I really heard him.

I ran in there with Joel and Gabriel was hysterical by then, and saying that he heard a sound and wanted to come sleep with me. Now, Gabriel has NEVER wanted to sleep with us overnight or even for a nap except for one Fredericksburg trip when I took him out of the pack and play and neither one of us could sleep after that. So I knew this was really bad. I felt terrible that I didn't hear him at first because I always tell him to call us if he needs us before I walk out of his room. And honestly, I was a little scared myself wondering what he had heard. I kept asking if it was outside the window, and he kept insisting that it was in the room. I picked him up too and we all headed down to our bedroom. I got him calmed down and went to put Joel down in his crib. It was then that I remembered hearing something like paper rustling while I was reading to Gabriel, but I just figured the ceiling fan was making something rustle.

I would have loved to keep Gabriel with me, but I've been bringing Joel to the bed for the last three nights with his cold and was worried someone would either get rolled over on or fall off of our ridiculously high bed. So I got him to go with me back to his room (which really is just temporarily his room and I don't feel like he's ever been comfortable in there) and try to listen for the sound again. I heard it about the same time Bones wandered into the room and headed straight for some wires behind our file cabinet. And there it was. A big greenish black beetle was walking around and trying to climb up that cabinet and was making a heck of a ruckus doing it. I went and got a big plastic cup and a skinny but firm book, which is my method of choice when it comes to trapping bugs and getting them back outside. But I couldn't get a good angle and the damn thing crawled behind Jav's behemoth of a desk. We were doomed.

Now, I've been trying to teach Gabriel to not be afraid of bugs for about a month now. I want him to have a healthy respect for them. But he has been freaking out lately every time a little gnat lands on him. So this was not a good situation AT ALL. I told him what it was, though, because he had even mentioned Monster at one point and I didn't want that in his head. I tried to keep him back so he wouldn't see it, and I don't really think he wanted to. But because he was so tired he was loudly saying over and over again, "Oh, it's a big black beetle", and of course Joel woke up. I went in to get him back to sleep and Gabriel followed telling his brother what was happening and running into things. I finally had to tell him (probably a little too firmly) that if he didn't go into the hallway and keep quiet I was never going to be able to catch that bug and we wouldn't get any sleep. I finally got Joel asleep again and went to get the flashlight.

I really didn't think I'd find him, but after tapping a couple of things under the desk I heard a rattle and did a very girly yelp and jumped way back. So much for showing Gabriel that I wasn't afraid of bugs. He started whining for me to pick him up. But I bravely shined the flashlight back underneath and saw the bug sitting on top of our blank CD case. After much deliberation with myself and silently cursing my husband, I went in for the capture. Gabriel couldn't hold the flashlight still because of his nerves so I set it in the desk chair. I quickly put the cup over the bug and slowly but very carefully started to wedge the book under the cup, making sure not to leave a big enough gap for the thing to escape. It started finally making a clicking sound when I got the book all the way under the cup and I came so close to just dropping everything and running away. But Gabriel was watching and I had to keep fighting. So I asked him to open the back door for me and moved cup and book outside. I wanted Gabriel to see the bug leave the cup so he would know it was out of his room, but when I started to move the book I was so nervous that the thing was going to fly back in our faces that I sort of just threw the book into the Asian Jasmine, where, of course, we couldn't see the bug leave the cup at all.

But I guess I convinced him it was really gone, because he's sleeping in there now. And the book is still laying in the Jasmine. Even so, I think I earned quite a bit of respect from Gabriel tonight. And Honey, boy do you owe me big for this.

I know you have a medical degree, but..

I have a hard time disagreeing with doctors. They are supposed to be the experts. I have put my trust in them to help heal me or my children, and I expect them to do just that.

Gabriel is battling his third sinus infection so far this year. He is an unusual case because he doesn't seem to have allergies or a cold or anything, but then all of a sudden he will just wake up really sick. He runs low-grade fever, has a perpetual runny nose and usually wakes up complaining several times during the night that his mouth hurts, which we now think means his throat due to drainage. He almost stops eating and doesn't want to play like normal, and just really seems to feel lousy.

I would be able to accept perpetual colds, because that's part of having little kids. But he never just has a cold, he always has infections, and then has to take antibiotics to get rid of it. Last time the antibiotic tore up his stomach and we had to stop giving it to him early. I don't want him to end up developing a resistance against antibiotics in case he ever needs them for something more serious. But they seem to be the only thing to help make him well. So I would like to find out why this keeps happening, and what we should be doing to prevent it in the future, if there is such a remedy for a three-year-old with invisible allergies. I suggested to our pediatrician that maybe Gabriel might need to see a specialist. This took much courage from me.

And of course, it didn't go over very well. He said that a specialist probably wouldn't be able to do any more for him than he does, but if I really wanted to see one, he would refer me. So I guess I stepped on his doctor toes. And now I imagine that I'm on some "trouble-making parent" list at the reception desk.

In the meantime, we are on day 5 of whatever this is, and now Joel has it. So maybe it is just a cold this time. Nothing is more pathetic than a baby with a stuffed up nose and bad cough. You just want to breath for them. Joel had two horrible nights in which Gabriel was the only one to get any sleep, then out of the blue last night he slept for hours at a time with no sign of congestion or cough. I thought it had gone away, but it was back this morning. And Jav left for a two day work training trip this morning. We're back on Grandparent Mode!

Four months old

Can you guess who is who?

Joel is on the top. Until I dug this old pic out of Gabriel I was under the illusion Joel looked alot like Gabriel at his age. Boy was I wrong! The shape of their heads are different, their noses and eyes are different, Joel's skin tone is much darker than Gabriel's (we're not sure whether this is from Jav's side of the family or mine, with our American Indian heritage). The only things they have the same are their head size and their tempers!

Joel has apparently been using me as a human pacifier this week, waking up three or four times a night. I was convinced that he was hungry until today when he had his check up, when I realized after talking with the doctor that he's been playing me like a fiddle. So we have to start the tough love thing over the next couple of weeks. I'll go along with one nighttime feeding, but he needs to get himself back to sleep any other times. Or maybe I'll at least go in and scratch his back. Or pick him up to rock him.

He started the wonderful world of solid food today and I'm hoping his tummy will handle it okay. It was wonderful tonight during dinner to be able to include him in our eating instead of just holding him in my lap.

He also started laughing out loud this week, which is just priceless to hear. The first time he did it I was singing Old MacDonald and making a horse noise. Then yesterday during a desperate attempt to keep him happy a little longer while I was cooking dinner, I started using my tummy as a drum then bending down close to him. I did this over and over and he just loved it.

He weighs about 1-1/2 pounds less than Gabriel did at four months, and is an inch longer. I know I have more to type but I'm just too sleepy to continue. Come on cereal, don't let me down tonight!

Things forgotten

I've said before in this blog that there are many things I had forgotten about when Gabriel was a baby. One of the biggest was getting up at night with him and how hard it was to get him back to sleep. Now that I am going through it with Joel, it's all coming back to me.

I always had better luck getting Gabriel to go to sleep if I was standing and rocking him, instead of sitting in the rocking chair. Joel is the same way. I remember sometimes almost falling asleep while walking around the room with Gabriel, and thinking that seemed impossible! But I've already almost done it a couple of times with Joel too. I remember how hard it was to lay Gabriel back down in the crib without waking him up again because he was so big and heavy. I think Joel may be bigger than Gabriel at four months, so I'm having trouble there too. I think I'm getting close, then I almost drop him about a foot because the mattress is much further away than I realized. And then there were/are the floor boards. The dang creaky floorboards that I would try to memorize by location. Because let me tell you, if you step on a truly squeaky floor board, it will bring a soundly sleeping baby wide awake. And you will want to cry you are so mad at yourself. I've learned to never wear shoes, only socks or barefoot, because it's easier to avoid the creaks. I think they actually get used certain ones they hear night after night. But if you happen to find a new one - watch out!

Joel is having good nights and bad nights these days. We finally broke ourselves of swaddling him, which was just making him mad. He wants to MOVE! But he has a bad habit of rubbing his eyes when he wakes up a little, and next thing you know he's awake and crying. But most nights now he seems to have learned to get himself back to sleep. I never thought about feeding Gabriel when he would wake up like this several times during the night, but because Joel is a breast fed baby I have to feed him to get him back to sleep, or he gets REALLY mad. That kid has a temper. And I think he's cutting a tooth because he's Drooly McDroolster and trying to bite on everything he gets his hands on. I think his teething is what wakes him up on tough nights. Last night I finally gave up after trudging in there 3 times and brought him back to bed with me so I could get some sleep. I'm really trying to not do that unless I'm desperate. And I was this morning.

Jav was out of town this past week for three nights. I always face these trips with much trepidation, but it ends up being pretty fun. My strategy is to act like a grandparent instead of a parent while he's gone. We watch more TV than usual, eat food that is really bad for us, usually in our pajamas, and sometimes skip baths. It keeps Mommy sane until Daddy gets home.

Parenting woes

Seeing Yo Yo Ma the other night at Bass Hall has got me thinking about Gabriel and his love of music, and whether or not we should start taking him to lessons or just keep letting him do his own thing. Ma started playing the cello when he was four (after playing the violin for a year), and it was then that his parents discovered they had a child prodigy on their hands. Now, I'm not saying Gabriel is a prodigy, but he definitely has an ear for music. He can drum out the beat to songs and can pick out different instruments playing. Music is the thing that makes his face light up, it's the thing he turns to when we are frustrating him, or when his brother is screaming and he needs comforting.

I fear the "missed opportunity", where we blindly go on like we are now when taking another step might turn him into a real musician one day. But if we push, he could lose interest altogether, which would be a tragedy also. What to do, what to do? We ask him if he wants to take lessons, and he says yes, but he is still of the age where he says yes to everything we ask him. The music class he took last summer was more of a kinetic movement/learning type of class instead of really learning music and rhythm. And Gabriel didn't want to follow directions, and just sort of did what he wanted. Since Jav and I are both followers, not leaders, we were kind of proud of him for doing his own thing.

The only interest I ever had growing up was to be like everybody else and be popular. I took piano lessons but never practiced so was just so-so after nine years. I took dance but didn't really have my heart in it. I was afraid to do any kind of sports because I was sure I would let my team down. Nothing I did stirred any passions in me, as far as I can remember. Looking back, I think I would have been really good and track and field, but even if I had thought of it back then, I probably wouldn't have had the nerve to try. Young kids that realize what they want to do one day and start working for that goal just baffle me. But if my boys find their paths early I will be behind them, just like I will be if they don't seem to have any direction at all. I just want both boys to be happy, to be themselves and to not worry what other people think. But how do you translate that desire to them, how do you really make them understand? At least they are young and I have a little time to figure that out.

Why today was great

I got this picture of Joel after taking about 25 shots that I didn't like.

Joel was crying in his crib while I was trying to get us ready to go out the door, and suddenly stopped. I walked into the room and found Gabriel, who had pulled up a stool to the crib. He was holding Joel's hand and telling him all about our day, and Joel was staring up at him with this big, happy face. I wanted to get the video camera, but I knew that would have ruined the moment. I hope that memory stays burned in my brain for a long, long time.

And finally, my neighbor, Simon, has been battling bone marrow cancer for about 9 months. He has only left the house for doctor appointments. I saw him out heartily working in the yard today. I think his marrow transplant is getting close, and I hope and pray that the treatment works to rid him of the disease. No matter what happens, it was great to see him out enjoying this beautiful weather.

Weight

The vet informed me that Molly had gained 10 pounds this winter. With her arthritis, this is bad. The fact that we haven't been able to walk her much since Joel came and because of cold weather has apparently taken its toll. Now that the weather is finally warmer, I hope to walk her three times a week, adding to Jav's twice. This should get her back in shape pretty quickly. We want our hound of a dog to be around a few more years at least!

And I hope I will reap some of that benefit too. Gabriel's favorite thing to do outside right now is to run from me all over the yard. Having two babies has changed my shape and the extra weight I am still carrying is so bad that I literally cannot run anymore. I used to be in really good shape so this has come as kind of a shock. I keep trying, but I just end up loping for a few steps then resorting to walking really fast to catch him. It's truly pathetic. I know I don't have time to exercise any more than walking right now, and I don't really want to cut back too much on calories since I'm still nursing. But as soon as that's done, watch out you extra 20 pounds. I'm coming after you.

Sweet

At random times during the day, if I can steal a hug from Gabriel, I tell him, "I love this boy!" Last night after Jav and I finished reading to him and he had hugged Jav, he crawled into my lap and gave me a big hug and whispered, " I love this Mama".

Children can truly bring more joy than anything else in life.

Idol Schmidol

I watched the first season of Americal Idol because of the local interest of Kelly Clarkson. Then I skipped the next 4 or 5 seasons. I started watching after Jav and I were married because he was a fan. I really got into it for a year or two, then realized that even if the person I was rooting for won, I didn't give a hoot about the music they put out after winning. In fact, I didn't even like the music they put out and usually ended up forgetting their names. Also, I really had a hard time with the fact that they seemed only interested in perfect voices, and alot of my favorite singers have waaaaaayyyyy less than perfect voices Willie, Tom Petty, James McMurtry, Leonard Cohen, etc). So I had decided not to watch this year. But I ended up watching the local auditions, and they pulled me back in again. I also love Ellen, and was curious about what she would bring to the judging panel.

I realize now, though, why I like watching the show. I like hearing the different versions of songs. A couple of years ago, I was blown away by the eventual winner David Cook's version of Michael Jackson's Billy Jean (a song I don't really like much to begin with). Last year Chris Allen, who also ended up winning, did a fantastic version of Bill Withers' Ain't No Sunshine. The people running the auditions also seem to have figured out that not everyone has a "perfect" voice this season. There are so many quirky voices I can't keep up with them all.

So I will pick my favorites and wait to see what they do every week with the familiar songs (or not so familiar, as many pick current Top 10 hits that I have never heard before.) And then after a winner is picked I will forget his or her name, along with my favorites, within three months or so. An added treat is that there is local interest again this season, with Casey James from Fort Worth doing his combo rock, bluesy, alt country thing. Plus, as you can see, he's pretty easy on the eyes.

Too funny

Jav and I watched The Office episode of Jim and Pam having their baby the other night. Forget that we are so behind that we still haven't watched their wedding. I had heard enough about the baby episode to know that we owed it to ourselves to watch. All of that is still so fresh in our heads that I knew we would laugh and cry.

And we loved and could sympathize with so many parts. The frustration of Jim when he was reading about contraction spans in all the different baby books. The fact that Pam was just plain terrified to go to the hospital. (Although I didn't buy the fact that she was still trying to work even though her contractions were five minutes apart. Please.) The look on Michael's face after he peeked into the room as Pam was pushing. Which made me realize that I have never seen what that looks like, but Jav has seen it twice. I'm a little jealous about that. Sort of.

The fact that they didn't realize that they had the wrong baby (and Pam was actually nursing her) was funny. I told Jav about the night I was by myself in the hospital and the nursery kept Joel for a few hours at a time so I could sleep. When I would wake up and wait for them to bring him back, I thought about the fact that he was so new to me and wondered if I would know if they brought the wrong baby back to me. Sleep deprivation can cause paranoid thinking.

But the best, funniest part, and the part that might just be the best piece of comedy writing and acting ever to me, was the male lactation specialist. Jim's face was priceless through that whole scene. And the thing is, even though it was over the top, I can see how a female might not flinch since we are so used to exposing ourselves to male gynecologists. Plus if you're desperate to get help with breast feeding, you don't really care where it comes from, as long as it works.

It was a great episode. Now we need to watch them get married!

OCD S.O.S.

We have a pretty strong strain of OCD running through our family. My grandmother passed it to my Dad, who has passed it to me and my brother, and the two of us have passed it to Macy and Gabriel. So sad. There are parts of the disease I try to fight, and others I just give up on and accept that that's the way I am. My main symptom is that I have to make sure everything is in it's proper place before I go to bed at night. I don't repetitively circle the house, or do things three times or anything WEIRD like that. But I will rearrange the dishes in the dishwasher if Jav loads it, and constantly gripe to myself about where he puts things. The thing about having OCD is that you convince yourself that you have a good reason for having to have everything just right. So if Jav puts something in a place I haven't deemed it should go, I have to fight telling him that it's in the wrong place and why. When I get tired I am not as good about keeping my mouth shut. He is always a prince and just lets me rant.

So of course Gabriel has picked up on this and is starting to show signs of OCD here and there. But I'm wondering if there's still time to save him, and how to go about it. Should I make an effort to not put things away before bedtime, no matter how much it will drive me up the wall? Should I leave things in one room even though they belong in another, like Gabriel's matchbox cars that he likes to drag to the living room every day? I usually move the box back to the playroom just before he goes to bed. I just don't want it to control his life, like it seems to with me and with Macy. When we visit my brother she spends quite a bit of time telling everyone what they are doing wrong. And although she doesn't know how to be any other way, that doesn't seem like a very fun hobby! (Plus it won't win you any friends). So I will practice saying, "it doesn't really matter where you put that" and try not to sound too forced. But if the kid was born with it, anything I say won't really help at this point.

Fun with math

I bought a "Baby's First Numbers" book for Joel at Half Price Books, mostly because of the brightly colored pictures. Gabriel wanted to read it (of course), and we discovered that the 2nd half of the book is beginning addition and subtraction. He loves it and wants to read it over and over again. Then today while he was putting up all of his matchbox cars he said, "Look, Mama. Five cars left." then he put one in the car box and said, "Now four cars left". I think he is really getting it! Good Lord I hope he is better at math than his Mama!

He is also saying the funniest things lately. If you ask him how he is these days, he doesn't say ok or good, he says, "I'm feelin' good".

Tonight when Jav was finishing up his bath he suddenly (and very enthusiastically) said, "What a day it's been". Which cracked us up.

New blog

I found my third cousin, Callie, on Facebook this past week and was so happy to catch up with her. She's from Fredericksburg, and went to NYC to write for Martha Stuart's design magazine just after graduating from UT. I was very impressed by this gutsy move, because she is such a sweet, girl-next-door type and I never imagined her doing this. Well, it turns out she has started her own design firm with another colleague and is doing really well for herself. I think they are both really talented from what I've seen on the website, which you can find by clicking on the "Scout Designs" blog link. Now I'm even more impressed, and a teeny bit jealous. And the great thing is, living in the Big City hasn't changed her sweet nature one bit. I hope she enjoys continued success (and I'll keep living vicariously through her every once in awhile).

So many changes

This is the puppy I write about below. She's already found a home and a name: Chloe.

I'm trying to keep this blog going because changes are happening so fast around our house I forget things VERY quickly.

We moved Gabriel's bed into the playroom Sunday and he seems ok with sleeping in there until Joel gets a little older and less loud. Joel is a VERY loud crier and we were convinced that Gabriel would be bothered during late or overnight feedings and diaper changes. Joel seems to be adjusting pretty well to his crib from the bassinet. I checked on both of them several times Sunday night but graduated to only once last night. I still hope to have them in one room eventually, even though it's nice for them to each have their own space. But that means we lose our office/future spare room.

Gabriel has hit some kind of developmental phase. All of a sudden he can put on his shoes and socks, pull up his pants, zip up his coat and all sorts of things he couldn't (or didn't have the confidence for) a month ago. We are also making small headway with potty training. We have him sitting in there with no diaper on 5 or 6 times a day whereas before he refused to take his diaper off. We're hoping the idea of actually going in the potty chair will kick in eventually. All of this was thanks to the enticement of truck stickers that he gets to put on a poster every time he sits. His speech has all of a sudden gotten so much better. He is pronouncing everything clearly and slowly and we don't ever have trouble understanding him now. We've decided against more therapy for now.

As hard as parenting is, it is the only thing I've ever done in my life that gives me a sense that what I do every day really matters. When Gabriel looks up at me with a huge smile on his face and says, "I did it, Mama" after pulling up his pants by himself, it makes me feel so proud and happy I could burst. No job has ever or will ever give me such a sense of accomplishment. It's the reason I find the energy to get up and do it all again the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that. It's something I strive to be not just good at, but great at. If someone were to start giving grades for parenting, I would want exemplary marks.

But I digress. Joel is starting to reach out for everything we put in front of him, and can grab all kinds of things. The hardest thing I'm dealing with now with him is tummy time. I basically didn't think to put him on his tummy for the first two months of his life, and so we've been having five minute tummy time sessions to get his neck and back strong enough to hold up that ginormous head of his. He HATES tummy time. If we make if five minutes twice a day, that's a pretty good day. But it's helping because he can now hold his head at 45 degrees for a minute or so.

We are all having allergy issues. I took the boys outside yesterday afternoon for an hour, and all three of us have sneezy, runny noses this morning. Jav was already having trouble. But I refuse to stay inside because of it. We will fight through spring! I'm going to start my second antibiotic to get rid of yet another sinus infection. I'm also going to call an EENT specialist to see if I qualify for sinus laser surgery.

I survived my first time with Jav away last week. He had a work trip for two nights in Houston, and we came out of it pretty well. The trick is to give the boys their baths before dinner. After dinner Gabriel is hyper and Joel is just a cranky mess. The hardest thing was trying to get Gabriel to bed peacefully even though Joel was screaming here and there. We were all very happy to see Daddy/Jav when he got back!

And we have been tempted by a ridiculously cute Rottweiler puppy even though to take on a puppy right now would be certifiably crazy. This little female puppy wandered into my neighbor's yard Sunday and he's trying to either find the owner or someone who wants her. She is very calm and could possibly be full-blooded. I wish I had never seen her, not just because of the cute factor and guilt if he gives up and takes her to a shelter, but because I think she is exactly what we would be looking for once Molly can't be a good guard dog anymore. But Molly has a few good years left, we hope, and I just don't have any more energy to devote to dealing with, walking, and training a puppy right now. Plus Bones would probably kill us all in our beds if we brought any more new beings into our house for awhile!

Stores

Gabriel thinks you can get everything from a store, but he thinks more specifically than we do about these things. The Halloween Scary Guy Store was the first in a long line of funny store titles he has come up with, including the Battery Store when his toys needed new batteries and the Birthday Cake Store for family parties. But the funniest one yet came this past week when we realized he had outgrown one of his shirts and couldn't get it over his head. He said, "Mama, we need to go to The Hole Store for a bigger hole." Makes perfect sense to me.

Hazy shade of winter

I'm still in a fog from lack of sleep, spending all day indoors due to weather, and dealing with two kids all day and evening long. I told my brother it's like hibernating in a baby cave, where you are isolated from normal people and news events for awhile. We had a rare nice afternoon this week and going outside for an hour makes all the difference in the world, probably not just for me but for Gabriel too.

Joel is such a good baby in many ways, but he is a difficult nurser. He likes to eat totally on his own terms, and that means after about 8 to 10 minutes, he's through. In the mornings he will go two hours or more without wanting any more. In the late afternoon/evenings he usually eats for a longer stretch, but only makes it about an hour to an hour and a half before wanting more. But then he sleeps at least 5 hours through at night, which I cannot complain about AT ALL. One night this week he went 7-1/2 hours. Of course, I got up thinking he would wake up at any moment instead of sleeping in with him. I do get a little tired of nursing him so often in the evenings. It basically means I can't play with Gabriel in the afternoons and Jav is pretty much in charge of Gabriel until bedtime. If I can get Joel to sleep before Gabriel goes to bed, I can at least go in and read and sing to him before it's lights out for him.

I feel like my lack of attention to Gabriel has taken a small toll. He has been hitting lately. He's only hit Jav and me a couple of times, and the stern talks and time-outs that he received seems to have had some affect on him. But I see him hitting his stuffed animals, slamming his hand into the floor or walls, and I believe it's because of aggressive feelings about the baby. At least he is bright enough to know to never take it out on Joel, but I still would never leave them alone together just in case. I don't think Gabriel has a sense yet of what "hurting someone" actually means. This is really tough for me to see. I have been much better about taking the small stolen moments when Joel is sleeping to try and play with Gabriel, but half the time he doesn't want to play with me, like he's already given up on me. And I am truly trying to not lose patience with him, even when he squares off and says, "NO!" when I ask him to do something. Which he does all day long, especially if Joel is crying or I am nursing Joel because he knows it's difficult for me to get up and make him. I noticed that I was doing much more yelling from the couch trying to get him to mind, which isn't a good thing to do either. My goal for Lent is to stop yelling so much at everyone, especially Gabriel and Molly, and then to stick with it after Lent is over. I think this is much more productive than giving up sweets.

And speaking of Molly, our poor pets are pretty neglected these days too. They live for all of us to go in the backyard and play. That's when they are all at their happiest. But this cruel winter has not allowed for that very often, and with all the Joel/Gabriel attention it's left them a little lost. I manage to walk Molly once a week, but will be doing that more with Joel once it warms up. Jav tries to walk her another two nights a week, which helps keep her arthritis at bay. Zoe seems to tolerate anything we throw at her, but it makes me feel so guilty to see how excited she gets when it's time for me to brush her for two minutes before I go to bed every night. All of that happiness for only two minutes of attention? Bones is the only pet who has shown some aggressive behavior, but luckily, like Gabriel, knows better than to take it out on the baby. He takes it out on either Zoe or my favorite red chair in the living room. He'll walk around the house meowing for someone to pay attention to him for a half hour, then he starts to snap and run around the house making that weird "Cat on Attack" noise.

I know all of this will get better. Joel is getting sitting in the swing for longer periods of time, and is starting to enjoy time on the activity mat. And no matter how hard the day is, I always remember two things in the back of my head. One is that I'm so thankful for these two kids that even though it's hard I can't imagine my life without them now. And two is that they stay little for such a SHORT amount of time, and I need to relax and enjoy it while it lasts.

Snow days

Unbelievable! But pretty cool to have happened in our lifetimes. We are supposed to get more snow early next week. Do I still live in Texas?

One of my most embarrassing moments in life, ever,...

...was picking out this butternut squash and putting it in my grocery cart. It was in a big pile and they were all shaped pretty much like this one. And that's really all I need to say about that.

Driving on ice, then and now

Yesterday we already had several inches of snow on the ground when we woke up. This never happens in Texas, unless it snowed the day before. I was not too happy about this, because I signed up to bring snacks to Gabriel's Valentine's party at MDO. But I was mainly upset because I didn't want to get Joel out in the snow, not because of the possibly slippery drive. Because, you see, I LOVE to drive on ice.

At least I used to.

We think this trait was inherited from my grandfather, who used to load up my Mom and uncle in the car anytime it sleeted just to drive around on it. After getting stuck on a hill and almost not making it home one icy night about 20 years ago, my Dad showed me how to downshift using my gears (even in my automatic transmission car), so that I would barely have to tap the brakes to stop. Ever since then I can't wait to get out there. I used to make everybody in my office angry because I would show up on time on snow days, and our boss would slightly rag on everybody else for getting there slowly (and probably safer, I might add) one by one. But that was all before I had kids.

When my children are in the car, I discovered that I felt like I had a huge target on the side of my vehicle. Everyone else was the enemy who might slide into us. As I inched my way on the iciest streets I'd ever driven on yesterday, I wondered if it was worth it just to deliver my 18 frosted Valentine's cookies (store bought, of course.) I was silently cursing the HEB school district for not realizing how dangerous it was out here and insisting on having classes yesterday. My Mom had suggested just dropping off the cookies and then taking Gabriel back home, thereby saving us the hassle and danger of getting out again to pick him up. So halfway there, I was explaining to him why he couldn't stay for the party, when I realized that I had left the damn cookies at home. CRAP, CRAP, CRAP!!!! I immediately pulled over and called to tell them that I had made it part of the way, but it was just too icy and I was going back home, and please apologize for me for ruining their party. I failed to mention my forgetfulness.

So we got turned around to head back home. The roads were just getting worse and worse. I forgot to downshift at a four-way stop and slid halfway into the intersection. Then once we got to our neighborhood it was even worse. Instead of just icy patches, it was like driving on an entire sheet of glass. I almost didn't make it up the driveway, but finally was successful. When I pulled into the garage, I burst into tears of relief. Maybe when the kids are older, my strange gusto for slippery driving might come back. But until then, I'll be one of those people who never even attempts to even leave the house.

Pictures of our snow day to follow.

Preschool romance

Gabriel doesn't talk much about his preschool class. There are some really cute kids in his class that have been together now for two years, but he still doesn't seem to have bonded with any of them. I was chatting with another Mom on the way in to pick them up a few weeks ago. Her daughter, Olivia (who is even taller than Gabriel, who is really tall for a 3-year-old), was talking over the weekend about school, and mentioned Gabriel. Then she paused and said, "He's cute". Her Mom said that her husband almost died and couldn't believe he was already hearing those words coming out of his daughter's mouth about a boy.

Tuesday when we were walking in, we saw Olivia and her Mom, and Gabriel said hi to Olivia. That was the first time he ever said hi to any of his classmates, even though I nag him to quite often. So Thursday when I get there to pick up Gabriel, the room is still really dark and it takes me a minute to focus. Gabriel was sound asleep on his mat, and Olivia was sitting next to him rubbing his back. I almost dropped Joel. When I got my composure back I told her that she what a really sweet girl she was. Gabriel woke up and was totally oblivious to the whole thing. Olivia handed me his shoes to put on him, then folded up his blanket and put it in his backpack for him. I told her she was a really good helper and made Gabriel tell her thank you, which he mumbled in his sleepy fog. We ran into her Mom on the way out, and I mentioned that Olivia was very sweet and helped us get our stuff together today. I didn't have the nerve to tell her about the back rubbing.

Kitchen zero to kitchen hero

I just finished watching "Worse Cooks in America" on The Food Network. It was a reality show in which two well-known chefs picked people who supposedly knew nothing about cooking (nominated by their friends and family) and put them on one of two teams for a 10-day immersion boot camp in the kitchen. The best candidates from each team made a three-course meal for three food critics. The winner they picked received $25,000. I was rooting for Jenny, a 21-year old waitress who decided during the course of the show that she wanted to be chef (everyone else on the show just wanted to go home and cook for their friends and family), but the girl on the other team beat her. I wasn't going to watch it, but I caught part of the 2nd episode and was immediately hooked. These people seemed real, and they REALLY didn't know anything about cooking. I think I was fascinated because I used to be one of them. It's kind of like how someone who lost lots of weight would be really into "The Biggest Loser".

But years of experience, reading cooking magazines and watching countless hours of The Food Network has greatly improved my skills. I think my best skill (this is making me think of Napoleon Dynamite) is putting foods together and knowing what flavors go well together. I'm pretty good at getting everything ready at the same time. One thing I still need some help with, though, is knife skills. I'm really sloppy, don't hold the knife right and cut myself pretty often. Central Market offers a class at least once a month on knife technique, but I think I'm too embarrassed and intimidated to take it. I've also never owned really good knives, which I'm sure would make a difference.

I've been able to make dinner most nights since Joel arrived, even though it's a real challenge. Joel has a tendency to eat very little in the morning, then he wants more and more as the day progresses. He eats at least once an hour from 5 until he goes to bed, around 8 or 9. I try to limit prep and cooking time to 30 minutes most nights. If I make something that takes longer, I have to get part of it ready earlier in the day, even on the weekend. Jav is also helping me by doing part of the cleaning up. He's told me we could do more take out, but I'm pretty stubborn about the cost and the not-so-healthy factors. Plus I want Gabriel (and later Joel) to experience simple, real flavors of food, (like how good and sweet a carrot can taste) and you just don't get that with take out. So I'll continue to work like crazy to put dinner on the table most nights, and hopefully continue to learn even more about cooking. One day I might even take that knife class.

Memory loss

As I watch Joel get bigger and start to become more aware of his surroundings and all of us, I am flabbergasted at how little I remember when Gabriel was this age. I remember that he cried much more than we ever thought possible. I remember that it was really hard to get him to go to sleep. But I don't remember his smiles or giggles, or little noises like he wanted to talk to us. I had to go back and read my posts about Gabriel to help give my memory a little jolt. I fear the same thing will happen with Joel and in a few years I won't remember any of this. And to make matters worse, I find I am much lazier (or just busier?) about taking pictures and video with Joel.

There are already so many differences between the boys. Joel is a talker already. The minute he sees one of our faces, he starts making his little baby talk to us. Poor Gabriel, being the firstborn, had a Mommy that didn't realize I was supposed to be talking to him, and I partially blame myself for some of his speech issues now. On the other hand, I realize now how lucky we were with Gabriel in that we didn't have to take him to the doctor for illness until he was over a year old. I never called or was concerned or anything. I think by the time Joel was a month old we had called 10 times about various things, sometimes in the middle of the night. But many of those calls had to do with me taking meds to get over my cough and were they safe to take while nursing. And although Joel doesn't cry near as much as Gabriel did, when he cries he is much louder than Gabriel every was. It was a production followed by prayers to get Gabriel to sleep for the first three months or so. Joel falls asleep so easily that I can't rouse him for his last feeding some nights. Personality-wise, I think Gabriel takes after me. He's impulsive, he doesn't like to sit still and can be a bit manic sometimes. I believe Joel will be more like Jav, calm and laid back. Gabriel is my Speedy Gonzales and Joel is my Slowpoke Rodriquez.

We all attended Mass last Saturday for the first time since (I'm embarrassed to say it) September. We had been so nervous about taking both boys, but it went so well. Joel was awake for the first half, then got fussy so I found an empty room and fed him. He slept through the rest of the service. Gabriel was so good we wondered if elves had kidnapped our child and replaced him with someone who actually minds us. He even picked up the hymnal and tried to sing every time there was a hymn. It felt really good to go, and I got all emotional thinking about these two gifts God has given us. When we were walking out Father Paul wanted to see Joel and when he found out how much he had weighed at birth he literally shouted, "Holy Mother!" Jav and I found this hysterical. We were happy to find out that our friends that we sit behind had their second boy (their first is a year younger than Gabriel) last Wednesday. What is the deal with people having boys? Not one person that's been pregnant lately has had a girl, and all the babies born in the hospital the night Joel was born were boys.

I must try to make a commitment to myself to drag out the camera and the video camera every day. I don't want these sweet days to fly by without some documentation.

Brothers

Even though it's a little blurry, I love this picture. And how I love these boys.

Western Week

I'm so proud of Gabriel for wearing his hat into the classroom. I just wish he would have sung his cowboy song - "Yipee Ti Yi Yoooooooo, Little Doggies"

Growth spurt

Joel started his six-week growth spurt Thursday. For the first time he was eagerly eating at every feeding without falling asleep after 3 minutes. Which led to better naps and more peaceful wakeful times, which meant we had a couple of really great days. Especially Friday, which was just about as perfect of a day as you can get with a newborn in the house. Today I'm not sure if the growth spurt is still going on or if he's just decided that eating is fun, but he has been wanting to eat every hour to hour and a half today, and hasn't wanted to take much of a nap at all. It's exhausting! On days like this I come close to thinking I want to give up, but then I remember how far we have come and I decide to stick with it at least another day. I'm really hoping to continue breast feeding for a year. I don't want to have to buy one can of formula. But the main reason is that when it works, it's just such a perfect feeling. He has started sucking on his hand and I'm trying to decide if it'd be ok to give him a pacifier. I've read that I could run the risk of really messing things up by giving a pacifier to a lazy eater like Joel.

We set a busy agenda for ourselves this weekend. Jav wanted to take some big boxes out of our garage and put them into storage (thank you Mike and Susan!) We wanted to finally get all the Christmas decorations put away and back up in the attic. All of this so that Jav can start parking in the garage. He hasn't had a radio in his car since his got stolen months ago. I don't know how he's gone this long. My goal today was to wash all of the pets bedding, and clean off anything that had pet hair on it, like cat scratch posts. I haven't washed the cats' bedding in about 6 months. Yuck! Even though Bones keeps himself really clean, he does have periods of shedding. Zoe is another matter. We call her Pig Pen, because she is not very good at grooming herself and walks around the house in a little cloud of white hair. When I started brushing her every day, though, she got better at doing it herself. Since Joel's been here I stopped brushing them, but have now started up again. It's a good feeling to have at least one aspect of my house clean. I also did four loads of laundry today, which may be a record. Why does one tiny person increase the laundry tenfold? It just doesn't make sense to me.

The funnest thing we did happened this afternoon. We had our first family walk with both boys and Molly. It was a beautiful day and we all enjoyed ourselves thoroughly. (Well, Joel slept through the whole thing.) It felt so good to get out of the house for awhile!

Joel is really looking around at everything now. He started smiling and laughing (on the same day) about three weeks ago, but now his whole face gets into the smile. Gabriel loves it when Joel smiles at him. He's making the wonderful little cooing noises that babies make, and today squealed really loud. He's been enjoying his sponge baths, and I'm so ready to give him a real bath to see what happens, but his little umbilical stump still hasn't fallen off.

I'm wondering if I should give up drinking milk since Joel has been extremely fussy in the evenings. I don't know if you can call if colic, but it seems close. Several things bother me about this. One thing is that I drink milk all day long, so wouldn't he be fussy all day, not just in the evenings? The other thing is that I eat all kinds of food that could be causing his tummy to act up (cabbage, citrus fruits, etc...), so how do I know it's milk? I LOVE milk and am going to be really upset if I have to stop drinking it for awhile. I guess it could just be typical baby evening fussiness for reasons other than digestion, especially on days like today when I know Joel hasn't gotten enough sleep during the day. Sometimes I think all the reading I've been doing on first year issues make me think too much.

And on a very sad note, the devastation in Haiti from last week's massive earthquake is almost more than I can comprehend. My sister-in-law told us about a teacher's aide from Haiti at her school. His mother had gone home to visit relatives and passed away in the earthquake. They still have not been able to contact any of his wife's family, and fear the worse for them, too. That is just one of literally millions of stories of people who have lost loved ones. I am praying for the victims, their families, the rescue workers and the people trying to get relief to them.

Long days

Why is it when you have a newborn that every day seems to last about 72 hours long? And that's with a good baby. Because Joel is a good baby. He's sleeping in 2-3 hour stretches at night, and takes short cat naps during the day. He has his moments when he gets really tired and cranky, but that's only towards the end of the evening. Our biggest issue has been breast feeding, due to his sleepiness and me continually trying to make it harder than it needs to be. But I think we finally made it past the learning curve and are doing pretty well now. It's amazing to me how much you forget about having a newborn. I had not forgotten about labor, but I had forgotten about how helpless this little guy would be, and about the crying and how horrible it can make you feel when you can't stop it.

It also seems much harder this time because we have Gabriel. He is very sweet and never complains outright about the fact that

I have very little time to sit down and play with just him. But I know he is a little irritated because he doesn't want me to play with him if I'm holding Joel. And he has definitely reverted back somewhat and cowers behind me when I try to drop him off at Mother's Day Out. He loves testing me these days, which leaves me feeling like all I do is gripe at him all day long. And I don't even want to discuss potty training, or our lack thereof.

And then there's me and my OCD about having no clutter and a clean house. When Gabriel was a baby, if he took a short nap I would try to get some cleaning or laundry done. I realized that if Joel takes a short nap I need to try to play with or read to Gabriel. If I go absolutely bonkers because the house is such a mess, so be it. Which, of course, is easier said than done. Sometimes I just can't stand it and pick up the broom. Then I feel guilty when Gabriel comes up later and asks if I want to play and I'm feeding Joel and can't get up off the couch. That has definitely been the hardest part of this so far. And getting used to functioning on only 4-5 hours of sleep within a 24-hour period.

Jav has really stepped it up in more ways than I can count, He is feeding the pets in the morning, doing the dishes after dinner, and putting Gabriel to bed most evenings. (He was already giving him a bath every night.) I am so lucky to have such a fantastic husband and father to my kids.

The weather hasn't helped the long days either, with the coldest temps we've had in a long time keeping us all inside and with growing cabin fever. I don't think there's ever been a stretch this long that I haven't gone outside since I've been an adult. I probably am suffering from a vitamin D deficiency. But with temps in the teens and 20's, there's no way we're going outside.

We've also had stresses around the house too lately, like our garage door broke and we couldn't get the car out for a couple of days. We finally got them both fixed, though, and now it's been great to load up the kids in the warmer garage before heading out. Our vacuum cleaner is falling apart. Then during the last cold snap we woke up with no water coming out of the kitchen sink. I guess we should have taken my Dad''s advice and had a plumber come and wrap the pipes in the attic (or at least we could have remembered to keep a slow drip going). I think we dodged a bullet, though, because after Jav and my Dad did some things to try to thaw out the pipes we had running water by lunch time and nothing had busted.

But there are the truly sweet moments, like today when I was nursing Joel and Gabriel crawled in the big green chair with us to watch TV. I am still pinching myself that I get to have two kids. It also helps to keep me awake!

Gabriel's haircut

Gabriel came home from his recent haircut looking like Little Ricky, with his hair all slicked up in the front with gel.. All he needs is a conga drum.

Gabriel-Best of

Watching him play the drums on a big book in the back seat to all the fast songs on Here Come the 1 2 3's.

His ending to any play phone conversation with his imitation of Mama with the goofy laugh and the West Texas "Bye", then another short goofy laugh. And realizing I do it on almost every phone call.

Seeing his bottom lip come out (like it used to when he was a baby) when he gets embarassed about falling, or when one of the cats hurts his feelings and takes a swipe at him.

When he gets the "midnight crazies" before and/or after his bath and runs at top speed around the house alternately saying, "Mama, mama, mama," then "Dada, dada, dada".

Seeing how sweet he is with the pets, hugging and petting them and loving to say their names. Then he started leaning his head near them and saying,"Isn't that sweet?" Just like we do.

Watching him play the piano with such gusto and passion, especially when he sings too. Where has he seen anybody do this? And realizing that for any request we give him he actually plays an intro to the song before he starts singing.

When he reads his truck book (and other books) he gets crazy excited arms and body for each different picture.

He jumps with excitement anytime someone gets into a truck and drives away.

Standing up in the green velvet chair and stomping his feet while saying "Boom A Boom A Boom" and mommy running from the big scary dinosaur. To squeals of delight.

The day we picked up Andrew and Allison for the first time, and he looked down the hall and said, clear as a bell, "library!"

The first time he requested we go to the library, and got really upset when I had to tell him it was closed that day.

The day we were driving out of Dr. Cavazos's office and stopped at an intersection, and he said, clear as a bell, "octagon", while pointing at the stop sign.

Watching him turn into the froggy, his animal of choice, and saying Ribbit Ribbit all over the house.

A-Boom-a boom-a boom-a boom-a while stomping on the green velvet chair - Dinasaur!!!

Singing the ABC song over and over while grocery shopping. Spontaneous hugs from the buggy while grocery shopping.

Jumping on the trampoline - jump, jump, jump jump a jump until we get to the rest rest rest part.

Playing hide and seek behind the trees - one, two, tree, fower, pive, dix, memen, eight, nine, ten! Here I come!

Reading most books, and hearing, "what's that Mama?" every page. I love that.

'five, four, three two one BLAST OFF another rocket ship run" while I lift him into the air on my legs and hearing that wonderful laugh.

talking to his little ladybug, taking her all around the house and showing her things.

the ear-piercing screech he started making when he didn't get his way.

Jav giving him piggy-back rides around the house.

Best phrases: to-tay (ok), "dude it again" or "wead it again"

Introducing Wallace and Gromit to him

Great Ladybug Tragedy of 2009

Shoulder-shake dance exactly like Cade used to at his age, and low evil giggle that Cade did too.

"Nice haircut, Daddy"

The afternoon I couldn't find my purse before Mass and was running all over the house looking for it, and Gabriel started yelling "Dad Gummit" like a cuss word while running around after me.

The day we had been to the library and he found his favorite book Things That Go and when I was loading him into the car he said, "Thanks for coming, Mama".

"That's a gweat idea!"

"Oh, I did forget!"

"Time to play my 'puter."

The new man in my life

All three of my guys.

He looks so tiny to me in this picture.

Proud Papa.

Tita is very happy...

...and so is Mamaw.
Already trying to lift his head.

Joel Terrell Villarreal entered this world on Tuesday, December 1st at 1:23 pm. (Gabriel was born at 1:05 pm. This must be my time of the day to have babies.) There are so many things about the experience I want to remember.

The first thing I'll always remember is how stupid we were to think that my doctor might not change his mind and want to admit us on Monday night instead of early Tuesday morning. I had to drive to Aledo for my last appointment at 2:15, and he informed me that he wanted me admitted by 5:30. I got on my cell to call Jav, who already knew he had to work late that night to be off the rest of the week, my Dad to see if he could take me to the hospital, and the vet's office to see if we could board Molly that night. I tried to make a running list in my head as I drove back home of the prioritized things I had to get done and threw out the things I wanted to get done. I finished packing for me and Gabriel. I took a quick shower, realizing I hadn't had one yet that day. I took Molly to the vet and dropped off Gabriel's bag at Jav's Mom's. I think the hardest part of that whole afternoon was saying goodbye to Gabriel. I bawled when I got back to the car. Then I went back home to wait for my Dad. I put the sheets back on the bed, emptied the dishwasher and took care of feeding the cats before he got there.

My Dad was the best Dad ever, again, and stayed with me in the hospital until 9 when I finally kicked him out. He didn't want me to be up there by myself, but I assured him that Jav was on his way and I would just work a crossword puzzle until he got there. Jav, however, was having a nightmare of a time at work, thinking he could leave at one point and they called him back in to fix a spreadsheet that wasn't working. Luckily, I couldn't eat any dinner until after 10 anyway so it all worked out (although I was having fairly strong and repetitive Braxton Hicks contractions when my Dad was there and was just a little worried that the baby would come when no one was there with me.) I was really glad to see Jav (and glad to see my dinner).

They induced me at 5:30 in the morning and the contractions started getting pretty bad by 9:30 or so. I got the epidural and all was quickly better. My parents got there around noon and finally convinced Jav to go get some lunch while they were in the room with me, and because there had been little change in the progression of the baby for over an hour. As soon as he left the nurse checked me and said, " Are you ready to have this baby?" So we called him and he was eating in the room when my doctor got there. By then the baby was crowning. I went through two rounds of pushing and breathing and he was out. Dr. Tatum, who is usually very conservative about guessing weights and such, said "He's huge" when he pulled him out. I think it was a real point of pride to him that he got Joel out without any broken bones. But I was still pretty shocked when they yelled out the weight: 10 pounds, 13 ounces of baby boy. Apparently I was born to birth big babies.

Some other things I want to remember about our hospital stay is Gabriel's first meeting of Joel face to face. I wish I had been videotaping to get Gabriel's face. He was just shocked to see a real live baby. He kept pointing to my tummy and saying, "Baby Joel?" and we kept telling him, "No, Baby Joel came out and here he is!" I think he finally got it, and even asked to hold him before Jav's parents took him back home. Another wonderful thing about my stay was the nurses. Every one of them were just so helpful and wonderful. I never had to wait for anything, they were bringing me pain meds, food and drinks, and plenty of advice about breastfeeding my whole stay. (Their advice was much better than the lactation consultant we finally saw the day after he was born). I spent my entire hospital stay eating graham crackers and drinking cranberry juice, in between regular meals, of course.

And the best memory I will have is early the morning after Joel was born, just after Jav left to run home and feed the cats. He had left the blinds open for me to see that it was starting to snow, and at first it was just a few flakes. But then as I held Joel and felt just so thankful that he was here and healthy, it started snowing really hard and was so beautiful to see. We'd joked through the whole pregnancy that he was our Rain Baby because we had such a wet summer, and very much on schedule it rained the day he was born. But I wasn't counting on snow. It just seemed so easy to believe in miracles that morning.

Waiting for your destiny

Jav and I have decided it's a very strange feeling when you are in the last weeks before a baby comes. I'm sure with the first baby the strange feeling was stronger since we had NO idea what we were getting into! You would think the feeling wouldn't be as anxious the second time around, and it's not. But there are still some unknowns - like what it will be like to have two (one of whom will demand constant attention), will this one sleep well, will Gabriel adjust well to him.... on and on.

So when the doctor set the "Date to Induce" to be next Tuesday, the clock on all that has become normal and routine in our lives started to tick down. It's just a strange mix of joy, excitement and curiosity to meet the new guy, and a little dread at knowing how little sleep we will be getting and that nothing will be routine. Being a self-admitted control freak, I thrive on routine. And Gabriel now thrives on routine, so his little world is about to get a shock also. We have our lives down to a nice rhythm now and there's not too many unexpected things that occur during our day. A new baby is going to be a big, sweet bundle full of unexpected for awhile.

And I cannot wait to hold that bundle. To see his face and smell him... to feel that softer than soft baby skin, and slowly get to see his personality develop. I got a glimpse of his profile at the ultrasound Tuesday and I don't think his cheeks will be as big as Gabriel's were, and I'm now wondering what else will be different about him. It's also a wonderful feeling to know Gabriel will now have a brother. He got a little upset when I told him that the baby will be sleeping in our room for awhile. He wants him to be in his room, which is all fine and good as long as he's the quiet lump moving around in Mommy's tummy. He may be glad of the arrangement once he realizes that the lump is going to cry, eat and poop - and not much else.

And so we all wait for Tuesday, when everything gets turned upside down in our little world. And a big bouncing baby boy fills that little world with more love.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Miserable

That's me. I have only gotten three or so hours of sleep for the last three nights. Every time I think I'm close to drifting off, I start coughing, We came really close to driving to the emergency room last night, but I kept telling myself I could make it another hour before we resorted to that. I've pulled ligaments all under this gigantic belly and can barely walk. I called the doctor back yesterday to beg for stronger medication, but they took so long to get back to me that my Z-pack wasn't ready until today.

It's a fine line to walk between being willing to take anything to get better, and worrying that I could be harming the baby somehow with all these meds. But I went to the OB/GYN today and they said I HAD to get better and hopefully wouldn't go into labor while I was this sick. So I'm trying to put the worry out of my head and concentrate on getting better. My sweet mother-in-law offered to keep Gabriel most of the day, with my sweet sister-in-law picking him up late this afternoon to hang out with him until bath time. The coughing seems a little better, but no sleep still. I've watched Top Chef reruns all day and have made progress on the book I'm reading. But I really just want to go to sleep. And can't.

Looking forward, I have a sonogram scheduled for next Tuesday. My doctor wants to see how big the baby is. If he's over 10 pounds, he'll want to schedule a C-section once I hit 41 weeks and still show no signs of labor. He told me as he walked out of the exam room today that if would just go ahead an have him next Monday or Tuesday he wouldn't have to worry about any of that. I told him I'd work on that this weekend. It's a good thing I've learned to appreciate his dry sense of humor.

Waking up in the middle of the night

Not so peaceful. I have a hacking cough that attacks mostly at night and is getting progressively worse. I went to the doctor Friday but he saw no infection and therefore gave me crappy medicine. Nothing is helping the cough and I'm starting to get a bad pain in one side where the ligaments are stretching. It's probably my imagination, but it feel like the baby is lower, too, over the past few days. I cannot get comfortable and have tried various places in the house to try to sleep besides my bed (I feel worse knowing that I'm keeping Jav up). I wish we had an old, comfy recliner...but we don't. I'm currently sipping a big mug of hot water and lemon which is helping my throat but not the tightness in my chest.

I REALLY need my sleep right now and am going to call and beg for something stronger tomorrow. I can't believe I made it through the whole pregnancy until now without getting sick.

Waking up

I've always hated to hear the alarm going off in the morning. But now that I've been a stay-at-home-Mom for awhile I hate it even more. I set it, because I still have to get up early (earlier than my work-going husband). But I have an internal clock that usually wakes me up between three to five minutes before the thing actually goes off. One day when I have to go back to work I will invest in one that has a really cool sound so that it won't put me in a bad mood first thing in the morning. I also give Jav grief all the time because he obsessively looks at the clock every time he wakes up during the night. I think this is crazy, and go out of my way to NOT look at it, so I can enjoy the rest of my sleeping time without worrying about how much time I have left to go.

Saturdays are my one day to sleep in. Instead of 6:15, I sleep until 7:15. I realize this doesn't really constitute "sleeping in" to most people, but it's nice to have one day in the week that is a slight break from routine. It helps my psyche. I've been having trouble sleeping all week with a bad cough that only shows up at night when I'm horizontal, but I slept a little better last night. I alternate between sleeping on my right side with my head slightly propped up and a sitting up position. For some reason I start coughing immediately if I try the left side. This morning I was dozing in the sitting up position and could hear things here and there.

First I heard Molly licking some part of herself, which has a tendency to drive me nuts. I whispered for her to stop, and she did. So then she started snoring. But it settled into a really low snore that actually put me back to sleep for awhile. Then I heard the cardinals, the first risers of the bird world, with their little "chirp......chirps". They were probably happy that I remembered to put birdseed out for them last night. I drifted off again, but then woke up when I heard Gabriel whispering something on the monitor. He must have been talking in his sleep, because then all I heard a slight wheezy breathing from him. I remember thinking that Jav must really be sleeping good because he usually makes some slight snoring noises, but he was completely silent and still beside me. Back to sleep again until the baby started rolling, then violently kicked all of a sudden, waking me completely up. At the same time heard a coven (is that right?) of crows way off in the distance fussing at some predator. I must have drifted back off until I heard Zoe meowing her complaint, as she always does on Saturdays, that I'm not up when I'm supposed to be.

So I finally opened my eyes, stretched all over, and finally looked at the clock. It was 7:13. Perfect! I hefted myself up for the day. Some people might think all of these sounds were an annoying way to wake up in the morning, but I found them all very peaceful and woke up feeling great for the first time this week.

Sleepytime songs

This post is pure indulgence for me. I want to remember as much as I can about my kids being young, and this blog will help to jar my memory, hopefully. So to all three people who read this blog, this is probably going to be a bit boring.

I started singing songs to Gabriel as soon as he was born, some lullaby-type songs, and some slower and melodic pop songs. Slowly things have evolved over the past three years into a nice pattern before naps and bedtime, where he now expects certain songs from me. About a year ago, I (being the way-too-organized person that I am), devised somewhat of a system to help me remember what songs to sing on which nights. I like to add new ones in sometimes, but it's hard to find the right songs. I love it on nights when he decides to sing along, which he does alot since he's actually learned most of these songs. I think the repetition is comforting and the familiarity of the songs helps to relax him. So here is our current "playlist". I have tried to cover several different genres.

Sunday is supposed to be the 70's, but it's turned into the Carpenters day. I either sing "Sing" (which is a Sesame Street song, but I like the Carpenters version better), or "Top of the World" before his nap. Then a favorite before bedtime: "Close to You". He loves the end when I do the "Waaaaaaaaah" in the style of Rick Moranis on Parenthood.

Monday is 30's and 40's day. The nap songs goes back to when he was born, because this is a song my grandfather used to sing to me. It's "On the Good Ship Lollipop", which I'm not sure how much longer will last because it's kind of a girly song. My niece Macy now requests it every time she spends the night over here, which I love. Bedtime songs rotate between "Singin' in the Rain" and "Fly Me To The Moon", of which there is a wonderful version on one of his Laurie Berkner CD's. Every once in awhile I throw in "Blue Skies", (Ella Fitgerald version without the scatting).

Tuesday used to be Beatles day, but has sort of become 60's day. I would sing "I'm Only Sleeping" before nap, which turns out to be a wonderful lull-into-sleep song. I added a slow version of "Can't Buy Me Love", and "Eight Days a Week". But since this is a Mother's Day Out day during the school year, I don't get to those very often. Nighttime songs now rotate between two songs: The Beatles version of "Till There Was You", which is an old 40's song that they covered and another one my grandfather used to sing alot, and "Happy Together" by the Turtles, which is one of his favorite songs of all time. Usually he requests it three or four times a week, but I stick to Tuesdays. I actually added some funny background vocals to the Beatles song, and he sings them every time now.

Wednesdays started out being Willie Wednesdays (as in Nelson), but I never could remember words to more than one Willie Song that was appropriate for sleepytime. So now it's Old School Country. I sing either "Walking After Midnight" or "You Belong To Me" by Patsy Cline at naptime. If you are familiar with "Walking After Midnight", you will know that her backup singers do alot of "wa wa wa wa wa" singing, and Gabriel has learned their parts perfectly. Nighttime song never rotates here, it's always "I'd Have to Be Crazy" by Willie. Jav was amazed (while listening in on the monitor) when Gabriel would try to sing along even a year ago.

Thursdays are Mary Poppins day. Nap time was always "Jolly Holiday", but since this is another Mother's Day Out day now, I rotate that with "Chim Chiminy" and "Stay Awake" for nighttime. Sometimes I go crazy and do a medley.

Fridays were James Taylor day, but we've had to do some adjusting. Nap time is always "You've Got a Friend". Bedtime used to be "Sweet Baby James", but now Friday is the one night a week Jav reads to him and gets him to sleep. And in a strange twist, every Friday night Gabriel now wants to sing one of our Mass songs with Jav, something he's never asked me to sing. It's an Alleluia that we sing every week, and we noticed Gabriel was singing along sometime this summer.

I tried to sing Saturday songs on Saturday, with "Saturday in the Park" before nap. But it's a really hard song to sing and I always mess it up, so I stopped. Now I sing Sweet Baby James instead. Saturday night's song is always "Looking for the Heart of Saturday Night", a Tom Waits song that Shawn Colvin covers on my CD. This is another really good luller-to-sleep. I didn't think Elton John's "Saturday Night's Alright for Fighting" was a good bedtime choice.

And every night after I sing the featured song, I sing two more quick ones. One is a Laurie Berkner lullaby that she wrote for her new baby, Nona, that is just so sweet. I just change the name, and here are the words:

Gabriel, Gabriel here's your song.

Gabriel, Gabriel all night long.

Gabriel, Gabriel rocking chair.

Hold you close and take you there.

Gabriel, Gabriel time for bed.

Gabriel, Gabriel sleepyhead.

Gabriel, Gabriel know it's true..

Now and always I love you.

I love you.

So simple, but so very wonderful.

And I top off our night with a song my Mom sang to me, "All Through The Night", an old Irish lullaby: (I only sing this first verse, even though there are two more)

Sleep my child and peace attend thee, all through the night.

Guardian angels God will send thee, all through the night.

Soft the drowsy hours are creeping, hill and vale in slumber sleeping

I my loved ones' watch am keeping, all through the night.

And that about does it for this post. Good night!

Who's to blame?

Up until this week, I had been getting more and more concerned about the H1N1 vaccine, and my inability to get any. All I hear on everybody's list of at-risk groups is pregnant women, pregnant women and more pregnant women. But I just have kept chugging along, thinking that if we've made it this far, maybe we can make it until the baby comes without incident.

But then Gabriel got sick Wednesday night. To be more specific, he started projectile vomiting in the bathtub. He had been absolutely fine up until that moment. And since he's only vomited once before in his short life, it totally freaked him out. Jav got him cleaned up and calmed down about the time he started again. And on top of my fear for him and wanting to comfort him and make him feel better, I started to feel another emotion that I couldn't quite pinpoint until later when everything had quieted down. It was anger.

What is up with the way the State of Texas is handling this crisis? Or is it their fault at all? We were last on the list of states on the ratio of population to vaccines made available, but now have moved up the list 4 or 5 states. Big woo hoo. Tarrant County has had one clinic, last Friday, for pregnant women and at-risk children where they had 3000 vaccines available. That is laughable and I refused to fight the crazies and stand in line for one (my OB/GYN totally agreed with my reasoning). Although I did hear that they actually had some left after turning people away all day long. I just don't have the energy to stand in line who knows how long with a bunch of people who might be sick already. What is causing all these delays?

Gabriel, it turns out, has a stomach virus. A doozy of one that's making the rounds, according to our pediatrician. He stopped throwing up that first night around midnight, but we were worried about dehydration and woke him up every couple of hours to take his temperature and make him drink gatorade. His fever has never gone over 102 and was down to 99.1 this morning. The nurse had said to keep an eye on him for signs of congestion or coughing, because that would probably mean he has the flu. He didn't ever show either of those, but kept sneezing and sounded stopped up all day. But then last night he seemed back to almost his normal self, and we stopped worrying so much. He slept through the night like a rock. Our fear returned this morning due to his listlessness and the fact that he kept wanting me to hold him. At one point I walked into the living room and he was laying on the floor facing AWAY from the TV just staring into space with his little hollowed out eyes. I immediately called and said we wanted to come in today, and Jav's boss let him come home to take him so I wouldn't have to risk the waiting room full of sick kids.

Having to decide about whether or not to take Gabriel to the doctor was a no-brainer. Having to make the call between what could be worse - Jav losing good favor with his new boss, or me risk getting the flu was a horrible decision to have to make, and one we shouldn't have to be making at this stage. Gabriel, who is slowly making his way down the road to recovery, (it's supposed to take 3 or 4 days to move through your system before it goes away), got a nasal dose of the H1N1 vaccine today But he has to go back in a month to have another one. I'm very glad he's started the process, at least, but I'm still afraid for both of us. I feel like our well being is relying on a bunch of bureaucrats sitting in a government office somewhere, and that's a very frustrating feeling.