Wow how dramatic I'm being today.
Well, I feel dramatic. I am stuck between a comfortable rock and a looming hard place. I am talking about my employment.
My current job is a step backwards from my past job as a controller. Same company. Same old tired family-owned business. Mostly the same old tired people. Very comfortable. But no benefits because I am paid as a contract employee. Probably no hope for full-time work, because they already have someone employed as the boss of me. And, perhaps most importantly, no real pride in what I do every day for a living.
So, I thought I might want to teach. I had an epiphany recently about how much I loved science now that I have kids, and maybe I'd like to teach science. I could teach in Catholic schools, where you don't have to deal with the backwards-thinking Texas Employment Commission and their consideration of Creation Theory and things like that. It still boggles my mind up that you can get better and truer science from a religious school than a public one in Texas. Sad but true.
After looking into how to become a certified educator, I realized I didn't have the science grades in college to specialize in science without going back to college for at least a couple of years. So, new plan. A fourth through eighth grade Generalist. I have to pass only one content test (as if that will be easy), and then obtain alternative certification through a recognized program of the TEC. Then, once I get a teaching job and get comfortable, take my science courses and eventually take the science content test to be a specialist. It all sounds good on paper.
Actually making myself do this is proving to be harder than I thought. I get through each day by the skin of my teeth. I barely have enough energy to do a fourth of what I intend to do in one day. By the time I have dealt with work, homework of boys, laundry, cleaning, cooking dinner, driving to whatever practice we have to go that day, and boys' bedtime, there is just not much left of me. Not what it will take to keep gathering information, studying, and achieving this goal.
But that's not the worst thing holding me back. That, my friends, would be my old demon named FEAR. Fear of change. Fear of "they will find out I'm not smart enough to do this." Fear of making an ass out of myself. Fear of spending all this money only to not find a job for years. Fear that I will not like teaching once I get started. And on and on and on.
I voiced some of this to my husband last night. He wondered if I was really going after my dream career if I had this many reservations. I had to remind him that this really isn't my "dream come true" career. We are about 20 years and two beautiful children too late for that. "Geologist" is not in the cards anymore. Neither is "nutritionist" or "horticulturist who will eventually own her own nursery". Just not enough time or money. But this would make me feel like I was making a difference. Like I was living up to my potential. Which is something I have only experienced when it comes to parenting, and never ever ever when it came to my career. And I think that deep down, once I get past this fear demon and start to get some experience under my belt, I will be very happy with my choice.
So I am just barely pressing on. I am setting small goals. This week I will fill out the application and I ordered my official transcript to be mailed to me. I need to keep going, because I need to get started. Nolan Catholic high school has an annual job fair for all catholic schools in our diocese every March. I need to be ready when that comes. I have to find some tiny extra amount of energy, every day, to battle that demon.
Zoe