There was a time about 20 years ago when if you asked me how I felt about religion, I would have given you an earful about how hypocritical organized religion is. I had been raised Methodist, but as I grew up and learned more about science and history, I began to believe that the Bible was just a compilation of stories passed down to teach morals and values. I had learned about many other world religions and thought there were some nice ideas in some of them. So although I was still a spiritual person, I couldn't seem to find a home for regular services in any religion and didn't really buy into what they seemed to be selling.
Fast forward 10 years. I met the love of my life, who happened to be Catholic. A cradle Catholic, no less! I started attending Mass with him, and certain aspects of the faith touched me. I realized how much I had missed the music, the messages, and the feeling I got walking out afterwards: Like I was renewed and filled and could continue for another week. When he proposed to me, I gave it serious thought, and knew relatively quickly that I wanted to become Catholic and marry in the church. It just seemed like the right time, and I felt really comfortable with the people of the parish. It was a drastic change of thinking from my earlier years, and I wonder now if I had been craving a spiritual home for years. I went through the classes, and learned enough to get by. But I can't say I was truly invested. The first time I took communion was meaningful to me because it meant I had achieved my goal, Jav and I could be married in the church and if we were lucky enough to have kids, they could be baptized as Catholics.
A few more years go by, and this time they included two things that deepened my faith more than anything else could: my children. Having two healthy children at my age made me a believer. Not just of miracles, which I consider them to be, but also of the power of prayer. Holding Gabriel in my arms in the middle of the night, I began a ritual of praying for my child. For his continued health, happiness and safety. That prayer expanded when I had Joel. But I found myself saying other prayers, for loved ones who were traveling to come home safety, or for people in the world experiencing some tragedy. Prayer became a part of my day. Slowly, without realizing it, my faith began to grow.
My kids attending Catholic school have also added to this strange equation. As I question Gabriel to help him study for religion tests, I learn more from the Bible stories than I did growing up. I understand how they relate to our particular faith, and things we do during Mass now make more sense. There are still things that make me cringe sometimes. One day on the way home from school Gabriel told me something that Sister Kay had said. She is the wizened (and only remaining) nun who has taught at their school for twenty plus years. I really like her - down to earth, practical, and cares DEEPLY about all the students in the school. She is now just substitutes for classes containing kids of the kids she taught. But this particular day she told the 2nd grade that she truly felt sorry for those not baptized in the church because they were going to burn up in "that bad place". Since I have never quite believed in the concept of Heaven, I also don't buy the concept of Hell. And I definitely do not think that our kind and loving God would not forgive people who hadn't quite figured out the religion thing and send them to burn for eternity. I have kept my mouth shut about certain things I disagree with when Gabriel has shared with me, since he is young and learning. I want him to eventually form his own opinions about things. But this time I couldn't let it go. I gently explained why I did not agree with Sister Kay on that point. He didn't really understand but at least it got him thinking.
As I said, I am not totally sold on the idea of an afterlife yet. I prefer to think that the "Heaven" we experience are the good things we get to feel as we live our lives. The joy from giving to people you love, and to strangers. The beauty of nature that sometimes make tears well up in my eyes. The small quiet moments with my kids and husband that make me so profoundly happy I could burst. The thankfulness I feel every time we get together with family and our blessings are so apparent. And I feel the presence of loved ones who have died from time to time. Whether this is really a spiritual presence, or some energy created by the star dust we are all created from, or just wishful thinking from my very human mind I have no idea. But it is comforting nonetheless.
As my knowledge of science grows, my faith has grown right along with it. While watching the first episode of "Cosmos", Jav and I paused it and had a deep discussion. How did one tiny planet like ours (and possibly more that we haven't discovered yet) have all the right things come together to sustain life as we know it? It is so mind boggling to think about how insignificant we are, yet also how important. Instead of feeling like we now understood how scientific theories and facts could explain the vastness of our universe, we both agreed that knowing makes us that much more certain there is a higher power who created it all.
I think social media has also helped fuel this strange fire. When my friends ask for prayers, many people respond. When I've asked for prayers, I have felt lifted up and comforted that even one person said a prayer on my (or my family member's) behalf, let alone 100 people. When one of our high school friends recently had very serious health problems, one post to our Facebook alumni page caused prayer after prayer to go up for him, his doctors and nurses caring for him, and his family who were concerned about him. "We are here for you when you need us, and so is God" was the message I took from reading all of them. I have no idea if the knowledge that many people cared about him helped him mentally stay strong or not. I know it would have helped me in that situation. And he completely recovered within a week and thanked everyone for their thoughts. Powerful stuff.
My idea of religion now is a cafeteria plan. I like the Hindu idea of reincarnation. There are many Buddhist tenets that speak to me. I still feel like the Methodist faith was and is the most open-minded Protesant faith I have come across. I am currently a very liberal Catholic, something I thought was rather rare. The God I believe in is inclusive and kind, gentle and forgiving. The current Pope has given me hope that there may be many more like me than I thought. There are many aspects of Catholism that are outdated and I shake my head and wonder when it will catch up to real life. But I love the ritual, the music, the order, the history, the incense, the mystery. I have been learning more about our liturgical year and have a deeper understanding about why we do things. When my kids were baptized, having the entire congregation stand up and bless each of them MEANT something to me. And then a few months ago, Joel had to go to the bathroom just before communion started. We hurried as much as he will allow himself to be hurried, but got back just as they were finishing. And a crazy thing happened. I got really upset. I felt true loss that I had not received that wafer. And realized how deeply I have changed.
I pray daily, sometimes alone and sometimes with the boys before bedtime. We pray for our family and friends, for people less fortunate than us, for nature and the environment, for peace on earth. I look forward to Mass, for the quieting of my soul as I worship with others. I am thankful my kids are growing up learning right from wrong, kindness to others and that they are never really alone. I know it sounds hokey. If my 27-year-old self could have seen into the future to my 47-year-old self, she would have thought, "Oh pu-lease! You are either a nut or a fake." But I'm neither. I like the place I find myself in. It gives me strength and peace of mind I did not know existed. And I don't care if I it's a mystery and I can't explain any of it.
