My favorite, favorite writer

I love Anne Lamott.  She makes me think, laugh and cry.  Usually within the same sentence.  And I just love the way she writes.  Here is her latest Facebook blog post.  I have read it four times already, and I love it more each time.  I also have a big 'ole head, and cannot stand rudeness.  Especially from folks who are supposed to be Serving the Customer.  I would not have been so nice.


"I was at Whole Foods yesterday, and bought a smart, adorable white sunhat on an impulse. The weather was suddenly hot, and the hat was lacey, cute, and cheap, $20.99

I pulled off the labels as I walked to my car. As I drove off to meet Sam and Jax on the beach at San Quentin, the world's safest beach, I tried it on.

It was a little tight. I have a huge head, big as a medicine ball. Well, maybe that is an exaggeration, but still, a big head, and the hat did not fit. But I was running late, so I drove on. I would return it another time. I didn't wear it to the beach, because I am a pathetically honest and moral person--mostly, and definitely this one time.

At noon today, I was in the neighborhood, and went into the store to return the hat. I gave it to the woman behind the Customer Service counter along with my receipt. She was about thirty, heavyset, businesslike. After a moment, she looked up, askance. "Did you take off the labels?"

I hung my head. I had. Bad dog. But I pointed out that I had the receipt.

"I'm sorry, but we don't carry this brand. You must have bought it somewhere else."

I smiled jovially, and said, " No, no. Bought it here yesterday. Look at the receipt."

"I see the receipt," she said. "But this is not the hat you bought at our store."

She was either calling me a liar, or nuts. "Yes, it is. I promise you that I did. Yesterday."

"I'm sorry," she said grimly. "We don't carry this brand. You could not have bought it here."

So my errand had plunged me into something from Kafka, or Samuel Beckett. I was under suspicion now, in some notorious three-card hat Monte hat scam that they were trained to watch for, at the Whole Foods holiness temple. How low can you go? Plus, I was no longer positive I'd bought the hat there. I urgently needed smelling salts, or a a CT-scan. I wondered if I had done permanent brain damage by smashing my head too often on the dryer door when I have bent down below to take wet clothes out of the washer.

I am not proud of what I said next, and please, for the love of God, don't tell Sam. I said, "I'm a Sunday School teacher. And I've been sober nearly 27 years. I don't lie." I did not add, "Very often."

She said,"What does that matter? We couldn't have sold you this hat."

Now, Sam said, when he was about ten, that vibe is everything. So I stayed calm and friendly. I led the woman over to the hat rack, and showed her a hat that had a label like the one I remembered tearing off the hat. "Nope. That's a different brand," she said.

The manager was summoned. She looked at my hat, and my receipt. "I'm sorry, but we don't carry that brand. It's that simple."

Now I wanted smelling salts, a CT scan, and a broom, with which to hit both of them. We went back to the counter. The woman made a phone call, returned shaking her head, pissed off. She pushed the hat across the counter to me, like a chess piece. We both studied it.

I remained calm. Vibe really is everything. Also, I once saw on a sticker with a photo of Koko, the first signing gorilla, that said, "The law of the American jungle: Remain calm, and share your bananas."

I said I'd go look for the labels in my car, one more time. I didn't find them, but walking back inside, to retrieve my new hat, I found them in my purse. It said, "Whole Foods" on it.

There was a new woman now at Customer Service. The new one was anorexic, they both seemed bitter. They stopping talking when they saw me. I handed the Customer Service woman my labels.

They looked as if I have just handed them my underpants. They studied them for a moment. "Okay," said the manager. The Customer Service woman rang me up, and handed me my refund, without saying a word. I gave her my biggest Mary Tyler Moore beamy face, from my big medicine ball head, and then bought the large, GROSSLY overpriced quart of mixed berries. And they were so, so good, each one a small gem."


Now, aren't you glad you read that?  Isn't your day starting off in a brighter way?  I love her because she writes like I think.  And writes like I wish I could write.  

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For the boys: Our wedding

My sister-in-law is getting married in June.  We are all so very happy for her, for them.  She is having a very small outdoor garden wedding, and has hired a harpist to perform the music before, during and after the ceremony.    She was sweet enough to invite me along for a visit to the harpist's house, to hear her play and discuss what Sandra wanted in the way of music.  It was really fun, and special.  Something about hearing the music brings all the excited emotion to the forefront of your brain, and we kept welling up.  It also brought back memories of our own happy event.

We were married in Fredericksburg, at the Herb Farm.  I remember when I first had the idea, and brought Jav to see the place, it was February and everything was dead.  He looked at me like I was a little crazy.  But we visited again in March and started to cement our plans.  They employed an excellent manager for weddings.  Her name was Sue, and she was down to earth, didn't mince words, listened well, and was very efficient.  We liked her immediately.  Jav started to realize that it was a good idea to wed in Fred, because his relatives who lived in Mexico would have a shortened trip.

There are many things you plan for during those pre-wedding months.  And there are things that come up that throw curve balls at you, almost like a test to see if your relationship is really up to snuff.  When we started calling florists (there were only two main ones in Fredericksburg) to plan the bouquets, corsages and boutonnieres, we were told they couldn't help us because it was Mother's Day weekend.  So after frantic call to Sue, she suggested we use white spring flowers straight out of the Herb Farm gardens, and she didn't charge me very much to do it.  They were simple, elegant and gorgeous.  Crisis avoided; wedding still on!

One thing that is always on the mind of a couple about to get married outside is weather.  Especially coy and fickle Texas spring weather.  We're talking about a place where we ran our A/C from 3 pm until midnight two nights ago, then ran to turn the heater on around 2 am after our yearly "sometime around Easter" blue norther blew in.  Normally by May there are no more threats of cold weather, but rain is another story.

The forecast for our special day looked perfect.  Sunny with some clouds, and a high in the upper 70's to low 80's.  No chance of rain whatsoever.  I spent the day getting my hair coiffed and my face painted at my sweet Aunt Gina's house.  Every time I stepped outside to take or make a phone call I marveled at the beautiful blue sky and started to forget about any weather worries, since I had other things to think about.

Flash forward a few hours.  The bridesmaids, moms and I were in the house used for a spa at the Herb Farm, bustling around and making last minute wardrobe and makeup adjustments.  Pictures were being taken.  We were silly and giggling and had tons of nervous energy.  All seemed well.  The wedding was ten minutes from starting, and someone mentioned a little black cloud that had appeared on the horizon.   I glanced outside a few minutes later, trying to make sure no one could see me, and the little black cloud was bigger and heading straight for my wedding.

By the time Dad took my arm and we started heading down the path to my destiny, the wind had picked up and it was sprinkling.  That's also about the time we heard the first thunder clap.  Guests were gasping and looking at each other and the sky, wondering if the hairdos and mascara were going to hold.  The wedding party and Lutheran bishop who was officiating were all safely tucked underneath some trees.  But all the guests were seated right out in the open.  So much for planning for everything.

The Bishop pressed on, even when it started pouring and almost all the guests scattered for shelter underneath trees, archways or anywhere they could find.  There is a picture our photographer took of two sections of empty seats, with the exception of my dad, Jav's dad and my Uncle Robert, who was 81 at the time of our wedding.  We had asked my brother to do a reading.  It started out saying something about "Weathering life's storm.." or something to that effect.  He of Perfect Comic Timing paused and gave his best ,"Wow what a coincidence!" look to the crowd, and got a raucous burst of laughter for his effort before finishing the reading.  He and Olga, our friend and other reader, had to yell to be heard over the wind and rain and sometimes thunder.  My cousin sang Mozart's Laudate Dominum, accompanied by electric piano.  I am not too fond of synthesized music and had no idea when I asked her to sing that her accompaniment would be on a plugged-in piano.  I guess the reality of how hard it would be to lug a real piano out there didn't sink into my head.  But Laurie's voice is so beautiful that it didn't matter.  The poor, brave man playing fought through the storm even though he could have been electrocuted at any moment.

We were never upset enough during all of this to think, "Our wedding's ruined!" or anything that drastic.  I remember we kept looking at each other like, "What can we do?" and then back at the crowd, and were concerned for everyone's obvious discomfort throughout the ceremony.  But I also remember that when I caught faces during my quick glances back, everyone seemed to be smiling and happy.  Upon the Bishop pronouncing us Man and Wife, the rain started slacking off.  By the time we made our way back under the archway and started receiving "Congratulations!" every where we turned, the sun was starting to peek through again.

The short train of my dress got muddy, but other than that I came out unscathed.  The Herb Farm staff opened up the bar, the Frank Sinatra started up, and the rain was all but forgotten.  We had many, many people come up to us over the next few hours and tell us that the we were blessed to have that rain during the ceremony, that it was good luck and meant Fertility.  And lo and behold, here we are nine years later, blessed with two beautiful boys at our age.  So every time I think back about that happy, happy day, I smile to think about that little unplanned-for cloud.

Spring Break, Part 2

After our Cousin Campout, we had a couple of (much needed) days of rest.  But then Friday we had Harper's birthday party at Leapin' Lizards, a great bouncy house place in N. Richland Hills.  Harper is one of our neighborhood friends that we go back over three years with.  She's in the pink leggins, getting down with Ziggy, the mascot of Leapin' Lizards.  Joel doesn't quite know what to think about Ziggy.

Saturday we got all gussied up in our green for the 3rd Annual Mansfield Pickle Parade and Street Party.  It's a merging of St. Patrick's Day and celebrating one of Mansfield's oldest and best businesses, Best Maid Pickles.  We met Gabriel's godmother Christine, her son Andrew and niece Holly and staked out a spot on the curb.  Christine's husband Keith and daughter Allison were walking in the parade with their softball team.  We checked out the street party, ate fried pickles and bought stuff for the kids to wave before the parade started.  It was hot!  But we really had a great time.  I'd always wanted to go to a real, small-town parade, with decorated floats and all that.  The boys had so much fun, they are still talking about it two weeks later!

Joel's first face-painting.  

Gabriel and Holly show off their painted faces.

My guys getting excited about watching our first-ever small town (sort of) parade, especially the fire truck, the Elvises on tiny motorcycles, and the Pickle Queens!

Sweet brothers.

Sunday afternoon, Gabriel went to the birthday party of his best friend at school, Kalilah.  It was at Chuck E. Cheeses.  I stayed home with Joel, but halfway through the party Jav texted me that when it came time for Kalilah to get into the big booth and try to catch tickets, she asked if Gabriel could go in there with her.  Jav made sure he understood that anything he caught was to be given to the birthday girl, and he already knew that.  I thought that was so, so sweet.  These two are two peas in a pod.  And they have a chance to go all the way through 8th grade together, with just one class per grade at their school.  

It was a fantastic week.