Why can't everyone think like Sesame Street?

This song plays on Gabriel's Sesame Street 25th anniversary DVD. I love what it's saying and it never fails to make me cry.

Piano lessons

Every once in awhile I get to listen to Selected Shorts on NPR, where famous short stories are read by actors. It's always a good listen. The one last Sunday night was called Simple Exercises for the Beginning Student by Alex Ohlin. It was about an 8-year-old boy whose parents were having marital problems, but he found solace in taking piano lessons. The descriptions of the piano teacher, the way she wrote out the pieces he was to practice that week in very meticulous handwriting in a little notebook he kept, the nervousness of the boy as he realized how little he had practiced all week..all of this brought back so many memories.

I really feel like I should be thumped in the head sometimes for squandering away the gift my grandparents gave me (they paid for my lessons) for nine years. I don't really remember if I liked taking piano or not. I know I didn't practice enough, just the bare minimum to get by at the next lesson. I was always really nervous before recitals, and once completely went blank about halfway through a piece. I'll never forget that music, or how horrible that moment was. I paused for what seemed like hours to me (it was probably only seconds), went back and started again and made it through the second time. I guess I had many recital experiences that were pretty good, but it's always the bad moments you remember more.

I remember wishing I could write in cursive the way my teacher, Mrs. Sills, did. She was so patient with me, and even though I'm sure she knew I didn't practice very much, she never said anything more severe than, "I hope you'll practice more this week,." when it came time for me to leave. The piano was in her very formal living room, and it was always so quiet in her house. I remember that the next student would come in and sit on the sofa waiting for me to finish, and I would think, "Ha ha-you've still got to do your lesson, but I'm almost finished and get to go home." I think the lessons were hard for me to get through because I knew on some level that I was disappointing her - not living up to my potential.

I've seen Mrs. Sills occasionally through the years and once she asked me if I still played. I was so embarrassed to tell her not really. I think if I had a piano I would play. When I think about it now I wish I would have practiced and paid attention more. I heard recently that Mrs. Sills was ill, and I said a little prayer for her.

The last sad post for awhile

I was feeling a bit happier today, and was trying to catch up on some good blog reading that I've gotten behind on. First I read this poem in Kathy's, which made me feel a little sad but also made me smile. Then I read this one in Elisa's, and I was a goner for a good 15 minute cry. What a lovely tribute to a family dog. Interesting how sometimes in life you happen upon things that were exactly what you needed at that moment.

And I am now ready to have a happier post tomorrow.

Magical Thinking

Joan Didion wrote a wonderful memoir about the year following the unexpected death of her husband. It is so honest and true, and is really a worthwhile read for anybody since we all have to experience death in our lives.

I'm feeling some of the feelings she shared in the book. At times, I'm ok and at peace with the fact that Stanley's no longer here and suffering. But then something reminds me of him, some daily part of my routine or a certain place in the house, and it literally feels like someone has punched me in the heart with more force than I can take. I start thinking very irrational thoughts about how to reverse the decision I made and bring him back. And I'd like him back healthy and younger, not sick. I start apologizing to God for attempting to take his place for a day and deciding to end a life. I just want to see that face one more time, pet his soft head again, and hear his little toenails clicking on the hardwood floors as he wanders the house trying to figure out which room I'm in.

It's such a selfish thing, I admit it. It's all to make me feel better and not have to go through this pain. The pain is what makes you lose all sense of reality. Would I really want Stanley to have tried to keep going just so that I wouldn't have to go through this? Of course not. But rational thoughts are few and far between at this point. I was vacuuming and thinking that I hope I don't vacuum up all of Stanley's hair, because that would be sad. I get impatient with poor Molly because I expect her to follow me around the house like Stanley did, which she doesn't really do. I notice Henry seems to be looking for his canine buddy. I watched the video that I shot last Sunday of all of us in the backyard while Gabriel was in his baby pool, so that I could see him still alive. Anything to keep from having to completely let go of him right now.

My friend Sue said it best in her sweet email to me - she's praying that my heart starts to accept what my mind knew I had to do. I'm sure it will eventually. One of my favorite Indigo Girls songs is The Language or the Kiss. There's a line that goes, "There was a table set for six, and five were there... I stood outside and kept my eyes upon that empty chair." The song is really about the choice between love and a career, but I've always thought about that line as how you would feel after losing a loved one, and how trying to eat a meal afterwards would make you feel so lonely. We have a house that's set for 9 and 8 are there. And I see him everywhere still.

The last few weeks

Just a warning that people who do not really love dogs aren't going to get my next couple of posts.

I have been questioning alot lately whether or not it's easier to deal with unexpected death or one that you know is coming. On the one hand, if you know it's coming you have time to say goodbye, time to make sure you say or do all the things to let that person (or animal, in this case) know how much you love them, how much they have meant to you, and how much you will miss them. But the waiting is so tough, the wondering how he's feeling, second guessing every change in routing as a warning that something is wrong and maybe it's time.

I really tried to live day-to-day, and each morning when I woke up would be a good morning if Stanley seemed ok. That's how we got through most of the summer, with a few down days. But for the most part he continued to amaze me with his energy every morning while walking. It didn't really dawn on me that the rest of his days were spent pretty sedentary. Or that I was having to really prod him to go outside, and to get him off the porch to go into the grass and take care of business. I got it into my head that I was helping him because he was so old, not because he was sick. His eating was cut down by half, but I chalked that up more to the heat.

The last couple of weeks, in retrospect, were even harder for him. He had always met us at the door upon returning from anywhere with a waggy tail and a happy yip, but he was only meeting us every once in awhile. I was having to practically pick him up to get him outside in the evenings, and would have to wait sometimes 15 -20 minutes before he'd go out into the yard. I kept telling myself that I would do anything for him, but I was really ignoring all the signs. I guess my biggest two things I was focusing on was how he was eating and if he could still go on our walks. This week he stopped wanting to eat. Then Thursday morning he was in such discomfort all through the walk that I had to stop lying to myself. He barely moved around the house all day. Jav said to wait and see how he felt in the morning, which was always our out for not doing anything that day, and having hope for one more day. My Mom helped me see that I shouldn't keep doing that to Stanley. She said that he loved me so much he would probably keep going until he just dropped, and did I really want that?

Friday morning he didn't seem much different. I started to not take him on a walk, but Jav insisted we go for just a short one and said he would take care of Gabriel. I'm so thankful he did that because even though he was slow at first, we ended up having a pretty good walk. But he still didn't want to eat. I called the vet and he said he would come to the house at 4, which was good because Jav had said he'd leave early from work if I needed him to. The day was so hard, and so surreal. I spent it going from being on automatic pilot and cleaning the house so I wouldn't think about it to laying on the floor with my arms around him. It was such a roller coaster all day. I'm so thankful that Jav's Mom kept Gabriel for 3 hours, because I was really unfit to take care of him and I didn't want my sadness to rub off on him. I determined that it would be easier to start taking all of Stanley's things and putting them away while he was still here. This sounds awful, but I just didn't want to see anything that would remind me of him afterwards.

My mother was a saint all day, coming by to say goodbye to Stanley around noon and then realizing that she had to be with me at 4. She stayed with Gabriel in his room so Jav could hold me, and I could hold Stanley. Stanley got up and wagged his tail when Dr. Norris came inside (he always loved going to the vet, who is just the nicest, warmest man in the world). I really faltered when Dr. Norris asked if we were sure we wanted to do this. I wanted to scream at him, "No, it's the last thing in the world I want to do". But Mom said I had to be the strong one, and so I just nodded. I had one arm around Stanley and Jav was holding my other hand when he died. I don't think I've ever had a sadder moment in my life. After they left Mom brought Gabriel out to me to hold, which helped. But I was just so empty.

Then I had to realize that life goes on, and I needed to feed the other pets (the cats were all very upset that the vet had been in the house, and Molly was just upset and looking for Stanley). It was exhausting, trying to keep my emotions in check and then let them fly every now and then all day long. After we ate dinner I felt like a train had run over me. And no matter how hard I tried not to, I kept thinking that we rushed the decision, that he could have gone on another week, which is ridiculous to even think about.

I am so glad that I had the time this summer to spend with Stanley, from the walks in the mornings to the patient trips outside in the evenings. Every time I go for a walk, he will still be by my side. I'm so glad he got to be around Gabriel, and that Gabriel loved him so much. I'm so glad Jav was able to show him such kindness and love. And no matter how hard it is to say goodbye, I can't even contemplate how much sadder my life would have been without him in it.

Goodbye, my best friend

Stanley the Wonder Dog, February 1994 - August 2007

When I grow up I wanna be a ...

I was offered what most sane people would have considered a dream job for a stay-at-home Mom a couple of weeks ago. I would have been able to work from home and set my own hours, all without too much loss of time with Gabriel. The job was offered by a good friend of mine's husband, who has his own software consulting, installation, and maintenance business. He customizes the software for small businesses and has done really well for himself. His bookkeeper quit last March and he'd been trying to keep up with things on his own ever since. He was finding it too difficult to be both a bookkeeper and a salesman/technician, and thought about me. I think the work itself would have been comparatively easy after the initial learning curve of learning new software and how he likes things done.

I thought about this long and hard, and had decided to accept. But my husband kept putting the brakes on my enthusiasm. He wondered if the small addition of income every week would be worth my time given up with Gabriel. But he also reminded me that back in December when I quit, I vowed to try something different, something besides accounting. Something I really wanted to do that would not be a hum-drum "I do this work because I have to" job.

What a wonderful husband I have, and I am SO glad he stopped me. I called the man and politely declined his offer. Since then I have been really thinking about what I want to do when I go back to work, and I've decided I really want to teach yoga. I have just brushed the surface of learning about this ancient and complex subject, which is so much more than just a physical workout. It's also mental and spiritual, and can change your whole way of life and looking at things. I know how much better I feel since I started practicing, and I'm excited about the thought of learning more about it so that I can teach others. It would require an initial investment of money and time to become a certified instructor. It would also require creativity, confidence and passion to find a teaching position (or positions). But if it's something you love, all of this doesn't sound very daunting, just exciting.

Of course, I have a very capricious nature, and might change my mind between now and then. But as for right now, having this dream to work towards feels really good.

I fought the law..at 11 months old

Jav had told me that pushing the buttons on the telephone provided Gabriel with a source of entertainment for a good 10 minutes or so, just long enough to check emails and maybe even answer a couple. So today he was pushing like crazy, and I was listening for the dial tone, just in case, and it starts ringing. But he hit a button before I could get to it. This happened 3 times before I finally took it away from him, thinking it was Jav calling from DC where he was been in his good friend's wedding. The phone rang, and it was the FW fire department. Someone in our home had just dialed 911. I was horrified, and apologized about 3 times, explaining it was my baby boy playing with the phone. The guy was very nice about it, had me verify my address and said he would cancel the call. So about 4 minutes later the doorbell rings. It was, of course, the police. I humbly opened the door (as humble as I could be with a towel wrapped around my head and a feisty boy in my arms), explained what had happened, had to give my name and birth date, and apologize like crazy a few more times.

We have both learned today that the telephone is not a toy.

I want to fly like an eagle

It's sometimes hard for me to find the energy to take the dogs for a walk every morning. But we see some of the neatest things that early.

A couple of weeks ago, I noticed sometimes one and sometimes two hawks in an area of our neighborhood. I seemed to always see them in the same spot, right around a very tall but dead tree. Then last week while walking Stanley (a couple of streets from the originial hawks), I heard the strangest bird call. It just sounded so different compared to the neighborhood birds I'm used to hearing. I kept thinking about it until we got home, and it hit me that it might have been a hawk. The next day, we saw it. A lone hawk was sitting in, once again, a very tall dead tree, and it was making the call over and over. Maybe that one has a mate too, but we haven't seen it yet.

Now that I know what to listen for, I'm hoping to spot them even more often now. This morning we saw all three, and one even swooped down towards us. I'm thinking of taking the camera one morning, although I think they are too high up to get a decent shot. I remembered that raptors hunt with their vision only, so they like those trees because it gives them such a good vantage point.

I start wondering all kinds of things as I watch them either soaring overhead or checking us out as we walk by. What do think of us? Are they nervous because of the dogs? Is the solo one calling out to find a mate, or for some other reason? Do the people in those houses even know that they have something so cool living in or around their yards? Did that one swoop down to scare us, or because he or she looked at Gabriel as a giant baby possum? (I'd like to see one try to get a beak around his chubby arm.) All I know is I love watching them. That's why I find the energy for our walks, because I forget about the day's schedule and any problems or woes and just take in the moment.

Stupid funny

I forgot to list another of my favorite TV shows on my "40" blog, because we've only seen it three times now. It's an HBO show called Flight of the Conchords and it's such candy for my tired brain. It's two guys in a not very successful band, and both seem to be one taco short of a combination plate. They make up songs based on what's going on in their lives and the lyrics are very stream-of-consciousness, but hysterical. And they sing their songs in a music video with choreography, costumes and extras, then it goes back to just them living their regular boring lives. The oddest thing is they are both really good musicians and composers, and the songs stay with me for days, even though they are so silly. I'll find myself humming them and laugh out loud. The last episode (Girlfriends) had one of the guys with a crush on a girl who sold him his croissant every morning, so all of a sudden they were all riding around on bicycles with pastel colored clothes and it looked like a 60's Catherine Deneuve movie. The funniest part (as usual) was the lyrics, which sounded like someone reading out of a French language textbook. Numbers, colors, very simple verb conjugations. Here it is, click on Foux Da Fa Fa. So stupid it verges on genius. I love it.

Rock star

My oldest cat's name is officially Bones. Not because he was a skinny runt, even though he was. He was named by an ex-boyfriend, after a mobster in the movie Get Shorty. The same ex-boyfriend talked me into getting a kitten, even though I really didn't think I was much of a cat person. We got the kitten to entertain his 5-year-old daughter. This seemed like a good plan at the time, but then 6 months later we broke up. I was a wreck, mostly because I missed the daughter. Every time I looked at Bones I thought about her, and for awhile thought about trying to find another home for him. But then I suddenly became a cat person. Sort of, because Bones is really more like a dog than a cat at times.

I had to feed him diluted baby food through a dropper after I brought him home from the North Richland Hills Animal Shelter. He is the only one of my cats that was properly weaned from his mother, but that didn't stop him from getting an infection in the kennel. He quickly recovered and became the cutest, healthiest and prettiest kitten. He and Stanley made fast friends, which I was relieved to see. After I had him a year he seemed to really want to go outside, so I started taking him out on a leash, much to his horror and embarrassment, I'm sure. But he got to know the yard, and before long I could leave him out and not worry about him running off or getting lost.

As each new cat was brought into the house, Bones became less and less tolerant of them. Henry was grudgingly accepted, and Bones even became a surrogate mother to him. But Zoe made him a little angry and standoff-ish, and Fred pushed him over the edge. He has never liked being around them, but at least doesn't fight with them. After Fred, Bones wanted to stay outside more and more, especially in the nice weather months. He's always come in at night, though, since that's when most cat fights occur. People tell me that after a cat is neutered he will either become a ruthless hunter or a fighter. Bones went the fighter route. It's hard for me to believe now that during all the years at the Cooks house, he never got sick or very injured, even though a couple of times he came home limping and once had a small chunk taken out of his ear.

When we moved to this house, we kept him in for six weeks. I knew it would be hard, but somehow we got through it. I had a week off after that and started going out with him for longer and longer periods of time until he had enough of his scent in the yard to be able to find our yard if he wandered off. He still didn't really like being in the front yard because he was used to the old house being really far away from the street and any traffic. He quickly claimed the garage as his "get away from it all" territory. He comes in during really hot or cold weather, but not for more than 3 or 4 hours, then he wants back outside or in the garage. We have all been accepting of this arrangement, although Bones has never seemed as happy as he was in the woods around the old house.

Several months back, we realized we were hearing alot of cat fights and decided to make sure Bones was locked in before dark and not let out of the garage until full daylight. But one cat has been hanging around our garage door (we keep it cracked so Bones can go in and out, and also for ventilation), even during the day.

Three weeks ago, I noticed Bones eating less and less, and finally not at all. I had originally assumed he was just acclimating to the heat, but then I got worried. When I took him to the vet he had a fever of 105.3. The vet said that 105 was his cutoff point for testing for infectious diseases, only he didn't come out and say it like that. It took me the rest of the appointment to realize that something pretty bad was happening. We've always kept up with Bones's vaccinations since he's an inside/outside cat, but there are no vaccines (or cures) for FIT (Feline Infectious something or other), or Feline A.I.D.S.

He tested positive for Feline A.I.D.S. So then we agreed to sending the original blood test for detailed testing (which cost us an ungodly amount of money) that would tell us if he was just a carrier or if he had the full-blown virus. Either way, the vet encouraged us to make him stay inside or in the garage. Either way, he would be a threat to the other cats if they fought and blood was exchanged. As I said earlier in the post, none of our cats have ever had a serious fight with each other, but Bones has a tendency to get destructive when he's kept inside for too long. I kept thinking that at least he's nine years old now, and maybe he's mellowed and this won't make him too unhappy. I started cheating and letting him go out in the backyard while Gabriel and I had breakfast in the mornings, or just to hang out for 20 or 30 minutes at a time. I spent to week of waiting trying to accept that this happened and figuring out an arrangement that would make Bones happy somehow.

The vet called and told us that the test came back negative. As in he doesn't have Feline A.I.D.S., or anything. The first test was a false positive. Something about antibodies in his system, but now they're gone, or something like that. I don't really care as long as he's ok. And now I don't feel like we wasted that ungodly amount of money, because Bones is back outside part-time and we are all happier for it. I am keeping a closer eye on him, however, and trying to prevent him from wandering too far from the house so that we won't have to go through this again.

The really good thing to come out of this is that we're spending more time with Bones, who was easy to take for granted. He is our "welcome home" guy, because he pops out from under the garage door anytime we come home or someone comes to the house. Gabriel and I are continuing our bistro breakfasts because of Bones. He really is a sweet cat who loves to hang out with us outside since there are no other cats around vying for our attention. I'm so glad he's ok.

Oh, I almost forgot the reason for the title of this post. Bones has lots of nicknames. Bonesey, Mr. BonesJangles, and the one Jav and Sandra gave him because of his mane of hair, the Rock Star.

40

Here's what's happening in my life on the day I turned 40: (yesterday)

Gabriel is growing, communicating more and more every day, and about to walk any day now. He loves books and music and is just a happy healthly little boy. He chased me at his top crawl speed around the house yesterday with a frenzied laugh and I am amazed by him all day long.

Jav is settling into his new job nicely, and is so glad to be rid of his hellish commute every day. He doesn't even get on a highway now. The three of us get to eat dinner together almost every night. He got me great birthday presents, including tickets to see Raul Malo, an Ipod docking station and charger for the car (which was actually from Gabriel, who loves to listen to Mommy's tunage in the car), and a Central Market gift card for a cooking class. I love him so much, and his patience for me and dealing with this crazy house and all of our animals amazes me all day long. We're trying, hoping and praying for baby number two.

All of our parents and siblings (including sister-in-law) and niece and nephew are doing great, and I love family get-togethers on either side. I wish sometimes that we could get both sides together more often. Cade is getting so big, but loves how Gabriel already worships every move he makes. Every time I see Macy, she warms up to me a little more and I get to know her very unique and cute personality.

I just watched "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants", and it reminded me of how much I love my friends and am thankful we've made the efforts to stay close all these years.

I love seeing my Goddaughter Grace growing up and turning into a beautiful, smart and very artistic girl. We have her artwork up here and there all over the house. I'm also glad about getting closer to Gabriel's Godparents, Keith and Christine, and being a part of Jav's Godson Andrew's life.

My furry kids are all ok for the moment, with the Wonder Dog Stanley still hanging in there despite all odds. Gabriel and I get up early and walk both dogs so that Stanley will have a good day. We thought Bones (our oldest and mostly outdoor cat) was really sick, but it turns out he used up another one of his lives (we figure he has about 6 left now) and is actually ok. I'll have a separate posting about this later. Fred is doing SO much better now that his problem teeth are gone. He's starting to gain weight and we see him all the time now. Henry is a much happier camper now that we are letting him out in the backyard every morning. And Zoe and Molly are just happy, like always. (Interesting that the two female furry kids are the ones with no problems).

I might have a job working from home on my own schedule, which truly seems like a gift from above. I'll know more in the next couple of days.

I love my book club girls, and the chance to get to read all kinds of different things.

My favorite TV shows of the moment are Big Love (who knew a show about polygamy would be SOOO delicious and addicting?), Saving Grace with Holly Hunter (she could be on the Gong Show and make it a good show), and Top Chef. I can't wait for The Office to start up again.

The best movie I've seen lately is Little Miss Sunshine. I could watch it over and over and never get tired of it. The movie I really want to see right now is Breach (about spy Robert Hanson). The movie we just finished was The Tao of Steve, which is just such a charming movie.

My great achievement of the moment is that Jav and I cleaned out the garage over the last two Sundays and are selling all of our stuff in a garage sale at Jav's sister's next weekend.

We finally got the new squirrel-proof birdfeeder up in the front yard and have at least two cardinal couples and all kinds of other birds eating like crazy now.

One bad thing about my birthday is that Barry Bonds bogusly (is that a word?)broke the homerun record. Other things in the national news are the fallout from the Minnesota bridge collapse last week and the miners in Utah that are stranded with people working around the clock to get to them. The biggest topics worldwide are Global Warming (finally) and Iraq and the continuing violence in the Middle East.

There are some things I'm sad about - slowly losing Stanley, missing my grandparents and wishing they could have seen Gabriel, missing a really good friend that I had for a long time but don't now, and on a large scale, realizing how little people care about the planet and protecting all the diverse plants and animals on it. But all in all, my life's never been better. I wake up and feel pretty old first thing in the morning, but it always works itself out during the day. It's a good life, and I'm thankful for all that's in it.