Four months old

Can you guess who is who?

Joel is on the top. Until I dug this old pic out of Gabriel I was under the illusion Joel looked alot like Gabriel at his age. Boy was I wrong! The shape of their heads are different, their noses and eyes are different, Joel's skin tone is much darker than Gabriel's (we're not sure whether this is from Jav's side of the family or mine, with our American Indian heritage). The only things they have the same are their head size and their tempers!

Joel has apparently been using me as a human pacifier this week, waking up three or four times a night. I was convinced that he was hungry until today when he had his check up, when I realized after talking with the doctor that he's been playing me like a fiddle. So we have to start the tough love thing over the next couple of weeks. I'll go along with one nighttime feeding, but he needs to get himself back to sleep any other times. Or maybe I'll at least go in and scratch his back. Or pick him up to rock him.

He started the wonderful world of solid food today and I'm hoping his tummy will handle it okay. It was wonderful tonight during dinner to be able to include him in our eating instead of just holding him in my lap.

He also started laughing out loud this week, which is just priceless to hear. The first time he did it I was singing Old MacDonald and making a horse noise. Then yesterday during a desperate attempt to keep him happy a little longer while I was cooking dinner, I started using my tummy as a drum then bending down close to him. I did this over and over and he just loved it.

He weighs about 1-1/2 pounds less than Gabriel did at four months, and is an inch longer. I know I have more to type but I'm just too sleepy to continue. Come on cereal, don't let me down tonight!

Things forgotten

I've said before in this blog that there are many things I had forgotten about when Gabriel was a baby. One of the biggest was getting up at night with him and how hard it was to get him back to sleep. Now that I am going through it with Joel, it's all coming back to me.

I always had better luck getting Gabriel to go to sleep if I was standing and rocking him, instead of sitting in the rocking chair. Joel is the same way. I remember sometimes almost falling asleep while walking around the room with Gabriel, and thinking that seemed impossible! But I've already almost done it a couple of times with Joel too. I remember how hard it was to lay Gabriel back down in the crib without waking him up again because he was so big and heavy. I think Joel may be bigger than Gabriel at four months, so I'm having trouble there too. I think I'm getting close, then I almost drop him about a foot because the mattress is much further away than I realized. And then there were/are the floor boards. The dang creaky floorboards that I would try to memorize by location. Because let me tell you, if you step on a truly squeaky floor board, it will bring a soundly sleeping baby wide awake. And you will want to cry you are so mad at yourself. I've learned to never wear shoes, only socks or barefoot, because it's easier to avoid the creaks. I think they actually get used certain ones they hear night after night. But if you happen to find a new one - watch out!

Joel is having good nights and bad nights these days. We finally broke ourselves of swaddling him, which was just making him mad. He wants to MOVE! But he has a bad habit of rubbing his eyes when he wakes up a little, and next thing you know he's awake and crying. But most nights now he seems to have learned to get himself back to sleep. I never thought about feeding Gabriel when he would wake up like this several times during the night, but because Joel is a breast fed baby I have to feed him to get him back to sleep, or he gets REALLY mad. That kid has a temper. And I think he's cutting a tooth because he's Drooly McDroolster and trying to bite on everything he gets his hands on. I think his teething is what wakes him up on tough nights. Last night I finally gave up after trudging in there 3 times and brought him back to bed with me so I could get some sleep. I'm really trying to not do that unless I'm desperate. And I was this morning.

Jav was out of town this past week for three nights. I always face these trips with much trepidation, but it ends up being pretty fun. My strategy is to act like a grandparent instead of a parent while he's gone. We watch more TV than usual, eat food that is really bad for us, usually in our pajamas, and sometimes skip baths. It keeps Mommy sane until Daddy gets home.

Parenting woes

Seeing Yo Yo Ma the other night at Bass Hall has got me thinking about Gabriel and his love of music, and whether or not we should start taking him to lessons or just keep letting him do his own thing. Ma started playing the cello when he was four (after playing the violin for a year), and it was then that his parents discovered they had a child prodigy on their hands. Now, I'm not saying Gabriel is a prodigy, but he definitely has an ear for music. He can drum out the beat to songs and can pick out different instruments playing. Music is the thing that makes his face light up, it's the thing he turns to when we are frustrating him, or when his brother is screaming and he needs comforting.

I fear the "missed opportunity", where we blindly go on like we are now when taking another step might turn him into a real musician one day. But if we push, he could lose interest altogether, which would be a tragedy also. What to do, what to do? We ask him if he wants to take lessons, and he says yes, but he is still of the age where he says yes to everything we ask him. The music class he took last summer was more of a kinetic movement/learning type of class instead of really learning music and rhythm. And Gabriel didn't want to follow directions, and just sort of did what he wanted. Since Jav and I are both followers, not leaders, we were kind of proud of him for doing his own thing.

The only interest I ever had growing up was to be like everybody else and be popular. I took piano lessons but never practiced so was just so-so after nine years. I took dance but didn't really have my heart in it. I was afraid to do any kind of sports because I was sure I would let my team down. Nothing I did stirred any passions in me, as far as I can remember. Looking back, I think I would have been really good and track and field, but even if I had thought of it back then, I probably wouldn't have had the nerve to try. Young kids that realize what they want to do one day and start working for that goal just baffle me. But if my boys find their paths early I will be behind them, just like I will be if they don't seem to have any direction at all. I just want both boys to be happy, to be themselves and to not worry what other people think. But how do you translate that desire to them, how do you really make them understand? At least they are young and I have a little time to figure that out.

Why today was great

I got this picture of Joel after taking about 25 shots that I didn't like.

Joel was crying in his crib while I was trying to get us ready to go out the door, and suddenly stopped. I walked into the room and found Gabriel, who had pulled up a stool to the crib. He was holding Joel's hand and telling him all about our day, and Joel was staring up at him with this big, happy face. I wanted to get the video camera, but I knew that would have ruined the moment. I hope that memory stays burned in my brain for a long, long time.

And finally, my neighbor, Simon, has been battling bone marrow cancer for about 9 months. He has only left the house for doctor appointments. I saw him out heartily working in the yard today. I think his marrow transplant is getting close, and I hope and pray that the treatment works to rid him of the disease. No matter what happens, it was great to see him out enjoying this beautiful weather.

Weight

The vet informed me that Molly had gained 10 pounds this winter. With her arthritis, this is bad. The fact that we haven't been able to walk her much since Joel came and because of cold weather has apparently taken its toll. Now that the weather is finally warmer, I hope to walk her three times a week, adding to Jav's twice. This should get her back in shape pretty quickly. We want our hound of a dog to be around a few more years at least!

And I hope I will reap some of that benefit too. Gabriel's favorite thing to do outside right now is to run from me all over the yard. Having two babies has changed my shape and the extra weight I am still carrying is so bad that I literally cannot run anymore. I used to be in really good shape so this has come as kind of a shock. I keep trying, but I just end up loping for a few steps then resorting to walking really fast to catch him. It's truly pathetic. I know I don't have time to exercise any more than walking right now, and I don't really want to cut back too much on calories since I'm still nursing. But as soon as that's done, watch out you extra 20 pounds. I'm coming after you.

Sweet

At random times during the day, if I can steal a hug from Gabriel, I tell him, "I love this boy!" Last night after Jav and I finished reading to him and he had hugged Jav, he crawled into my lap and gave me a big hug and whispered, " I love this Mama".

Children can truly bring more joy than anything else in life.

Idol Schmidol

I watched the first season of Americal Idol because of the local interest of Kelly Clarkson. Then I skipped the next 4 or 5 seasons. I started watching after Jav and I were married because he was a fan. I really got into it for a year or two, then realized that even if the person I was rooting for won, I didn't give a hoot about the music they put out after winning. In fact, I didn't even like the music they put out and usually ended up forgetting their names. Also, I really had a hard time with the fact that they seemed only interested in perfect voices, and alot of my favorite singers have waaaaaayyyyy less than perfect voices Willie, Tom Petty, James McMurtry, Leonard Cohen, etc). So I had decided not to watch this year. But I ended up watching the local auditions, and they pulled me back in again. I also love Ellen, and was curious about what she would bring to the judging panel.

I realize now, though, why I like watching the show. I like hearing the different versions of songs. A couple of years ago, I was blown away by the eventual winner David Cook's version of Michael Jackson's Billy Jean (a song I don't really like much to begin with). Last year Chris Allen, who also ended up winning, did a fantastic version of Bill Withers' Ain't No Sunshine. The people running the auditions also seem to have figured out that not everyone has a "perfect" voice this season. There are so many quirky voices I can't keep up with them all.

So I will pick my favorites and wait to see what they do every week with the familiar songs (or not so familiar, as many pick current Top 10 hits that I have never heard before.) And then after a winner is picked I will forget his or her name, along with my favorites, within three months or so. An added treat is that there is local interest again this season, with Casey James from Fort Worth doing his combo rock, bluesy, alt country thing. Plus, as you can see, he's pretty easy on the eyes.

Too funny

Jav and I watched The Office episode of Jim and Pam having their baby the other night. Forget that we are so behind that we still haven't watched their wedding. I had heard enough about the baby episode to know that we owed it to ourselves to watch. All of that is still so fresh in our heads that I knew we would laugh and cry.

And we loved and could sympathize with so many parts. The frustration of Jim when he was reading about contraction spans in all the different baby books. The fact that Pam was just plain terrified to go to the hospital. (Although I didn't buy the fact that she was still trying to work even though her contractions were five minutes apart. Please.) The look on Michael's face after he peeked into the room as Pam was pushing. Which made me realize that I have never seen what that looks like, but Jav has seen it twice. I'm a little jealous about that. Sort of.

The fact that they didn't realize that they had the wrong baby (and Pam was actually nursing her) was funny. I told Jav about the night I was by myself in the hospital and the nursery kept Joel for a few hours at a time so I could sleep. When I would wake up and wait for them to bring him back, I thought about the fact that he was so new to me and wondered if I would know if they brought the wrong baby back to me. Sleep deprivation can cause paranoid thinking.

But the best, funniest part, and the part that might just be the best piece of comedy writing and acting ever to me, was the male lactation specialist. Jim's face was priceless through that whole scene. And the thing is, even though it was over the top, I can see how a female might not flinch since we are so used to exposing ourselves to male gynecologists. Plus if you're desperate to get help with breast feeding, you don't really care where it comes from, as long as it works.

It was a great episode. Now we need to watch them get married!

OCD S.O.S.

We have a pretty strong strain of OCD running through our family. My grandmother passed it to my Dad, who has passed it to me and my brother, and the two of us have passed it to Macy and Gabriel. So sad. There are parts of the disease I try to fight, and others I just give up on and accept that that's the way I am. My main symptom is that I have to make sure everything is in it's proper place before I go to bed at night. I don't repetitively circle the house, or do things three times or anything WEIRD like that. But I will rearrange the dishes in the dishwasher if Jav loads it, and constantly gripe to myself about where he puts things. The thing about having OCD is that you convince yourself that you have a good reason for having to have everything just right. So if Jav puts something in a place I haven't deemed it should go, I have to fight telling him that it's in the wrong place and why. When I get tired I am not as good about keeping my mouth shut. He is always a prince and just lets me rant.

So of course Gabriel has picked up on this and is starting to show signs of OCD here and there. But I'm wondering if there's still time to save him, and how to go about it. Should I make an effort to not put things away before bedtime, no matter how much it will drive me up the wall? Should I leave things in one room even though they belong in another, like Gabriel's matchbox cars that he likes to drag to the living room every day? I usually move the box back to the playroom just before he goes to bed. I just don't want it to control his life, like it seems to with me and with Macy. When we visit my brother she spends quite a bit of time telling everyone what they are doing wrong. And although she doesn't know how to be any other way, that doesn't seem like a very fun hobby! (Plus it won't win you any friends). So I will practice saying, "it doesn't really matter where you put that" and try not to sound too forced. But if the kid was born with it, anything I say won't really help at this point.

Fun with math

I bought a "Baby's First Numbers" book for Joel at Half Price Books, mostly because of the brightly colored pictures. Gabriel wanted to read it (of course), and we discovered that the 2nd half of the book is beginning addition and subtraction. He loves it and wants to read it over and over again. Then today while he was putting up all of his matchbox cars he said, "Look, Mama. Five cars left." then he put one in the car box and said, "Now four cars left". I think he is really getting it! Good Lord I hope he is better at math than his Mama!

He is also saying the funniest things lately. If you ask him how he is these days, he doesn't say ok or good, he says, "I'm feelin' good".

Tonight when Jav was finishing up his bath he suddenly (and very enthusiastically) said, "What a day it's been". Which cracked us up.

New blog

I found my third cousin, Callie, on Facebook this past week and was so happy to catch up with her. She's from Fredericksburg, and went to NYC to write for Martha Stuart's design magazine just after graduating from UT. I was very impressed by this gutsy move, because she is such a sweet, girl-next-door type and I never imagined her doing this. Well, it turns out she has started her own design firm with another colleague and is doing really well for herself. I think they are both really talented from what I've seen on the website, which you can find by clicking on the "Scout Designs" blog link. Now I'm even more impressed, and a teeny bit jealous. And the great thing is, living in the Big City hasn't changed her sweet nature one bit. I hope she enjoys continued success (and I'll keep living vicariously through her every once in awhile).