Gushing over Gabriel

The range of emotions I've experienced over the past almost two months is too broad to go into detail. Having a child was something I wanted to do for 15 years or so, but it never seemed like it would be a reality (or a very smart thing to do) until I met and married Jav. You THINK you are prepared for what your life will be like. But nothing can prepare you for the weight of responsibility you suddenly feel, or for the realization that much of what you used to do doesn't seem very important anymore. Nothing can prepare you for the love you feel either.

I'm amazed to see the changes in Gabriel. It's a little daunting to see a little person's brain develop right before your very eyes. He is so alert and seems to want to take in as much as his senses will let him. He doesn't want to take naps during the day and fights going to sleep like crazy. If he does get to sleep he usually only sleeps for 10 to 15 minutes, then his eyes pop open and he starts looking around like "what did I miss?"

Our hardest time of the day is from 5 to 8pm. I try to start providing a calming environment to start winding down the day - no loud TV or music, no more bright lights, no more toys or activity mat playing. But it's hard to fill that much time. I've started walking him around the backyard, which he seems to really like. And he loves laying on his changing table and showing off for me that he can move his arms and legs, so I've started reading to him after I've changed his diaper and into his sleeper for the night. First I just read from the requisite "Baby's Bedtime Book", but now I've started reading poetry from my favorite poets too. He still is intent on stretching all those newfound muscles, but I like to think that he's hearing some of it. Then I rock him and sing him some of my favorite music - all soothing voices, in my opinion. Steeley Dan, Shawn Colvin, Sting, Indigo Girls. Not really conventional lullabies, but just as effective because I know and love the songs so much. And even when the quiet times are over and the crying has begun, I'm learning how to deal with it. I have a feeling of achievement like climbing Mount Everest when I have rocked him to sleep and put him down for the night.

I watch him sleeping during the day sometimes, and wonder how he can laugh in his sleep when he hasn't actually laughed while awake yet. I love talking back to him in his baby language.

My favorite time is watching him wake up in the morning. He usually focuses first on the light coming through our bedroom window, then checks the ceiling fan, and eventually gets around to seeing me and the biggest grin erupts on his face. That is pure happiness in a bottle for me.

I worry about him picking up on my bad traits or somehow messing him up. I already want the world for him - but at the same time try to remind myself that I just want him to be happy.

We went to Mass for the first time yesterday since the Saturday before I had him. I was kneeling and thinking about how big I was with him last time I was there, and I thought about how much more important, rich, fun and wonderful my life had become - and I started to cry. I'm so incredibly thankful to God for bringing him into our lives.