The last few weeks

Just a warning that people who do not really love dogs aren't going to get my next couple of posts.

I have been questioning alot lately whether or not it's easier to deal with unexpected death or one that you know is coming. On the one hand, if you know it's coming you have time to say goodbye, time to make sure you say or do all the things to let that person (or animal, in this case) know how much you love them, how much they have meant to you, and how much you will miss them. But the waiting is so tough, the wondering how he's feeling, second guessing every change in routing as a warning that something is wrong and maybe it's time.

I really tried to live day-to-day, and each morning when I woke up would be a good morning if Stanley seemed ok. That's how we got through most of the summer, with a few down days. But for the most part he continued to amaze me with his energy every morning while walking. It didn't really dawn on me that the rest of his days were spent pretty sedentary. Or that I was having to really prod him to go outside, and to get him off the porch to go into the grass and take care of business. I got it into my head that I was helping him because he was so old, not because he was sick. His eating was cut down by half, but I chalked that up more to the heat.

The last couple of weeks, in retrospect, were even harder for him. He had always met us at the door upon returning from anywhere with a waggy tail and a happy yip, but he was only meeting us every once in awhile. I was having to practically pick him up to get him outside in the evenings, and would have to wait sometimes 15 -20 minutes before he'd go out into the yard. I kept telling myself that I would do anything for him, but I was really ignoring all the signs. I guess my biggest two things I was focusing on was how he was eating and if he could still go on our walks. This week he stopped wanting to eat. Then Thursday morning he was in such discomfort all through the walk that I had to stop lying to myself. He barely moved around the house all day. Jav said to wait and see how he felt in the morning, which was always our out for not doing anything that day, and having hope for one more day. My Mom helped me see that I shouldn't keep doing that to Stanley. She said that he loved me so much he would probably keep going until he just dropped, and did I really want that?

Friday morning he didn't seem much different. I started to not take him on a walk, but Jav insisted we go for just a short one and said he would take care of Gabriel. I'm so thankful he did that because even though he was slow at first, we ended up having a pretty good walk. But he still didn't want to eat. I called the vet and he said he would come to the house at 4, which was good because Jav had said he'd leave early from work if I needed him to. The day was so hard, and so surreal. I spent it going from being on automatic pilot and cleaning the house so I wouldn't think about it to laying on the floor with my arms around him. It was such a roller coaster all day. I'm so thankful that Jav's Mom kept Gabriel for 3 hours, because I was really unfit to take care of him and I didn't want my sadness to rub off on him. I determined that it would be easier to start taking all of Stanley's things and putting them away while he was still here. This sounds awful, but I just didn't want to see anything that would remind me of him afterwards.

My mother was a saint all day, coming by to say goodbye to Stanley around noon and then realizing that she had to be with me at 4. She stayed with Gabriel in his room so Jav could hold me, and I could hold Stanley. Stanley got up and wagged his tail when Dr. Norris came inside (he always loved going to the vet, who is just the nicest, warmest man in the world). I really faltered when Dr. Norris asked if we were sure we wanted to do this. I wanted to scream at him, "No, it's the last thing in the world I want to do". But Mom said I had to be the strong one, and so I just nodded. I had one arm around Stanley and Jav was holding my other hand when he died. I don't think I've ever had a sadder moment in my life. After they left Mom brought Gabriel out to me to hold, which helped. But I was just so empty.

Then I had to realize that life goes on, and I needed to feed the other pets (the cats were all very upset that the vet had been in the house, and Molly was just upset and looking for Stanley). It was exhausting, trying to keep my emotions in check and then let them fly every now and then all day long. After we ate dinner I felt like a train had run over me. And no matter how hard I tried not to, I kept thinking that we rushed the decision, that he could have gone on another week, which is ridiculous to even think about.

I am so glad that I had the time this summer to spend with Stanley, from the walks in the mornings to the patient trips outside in the evenings. Every time I go for a walk, he will still be by my side. I'm so glad he got to be around Gabriel, and that Gabriel loved him so much. I'm so glad Jav was able to show him such kindness and love. And no matter how hard it is to say goodbye, I can't even contemplate how much sadder my life would have been without him in it.