My 200th post

Ever since I started categorizing my posts, I've been subtracting my pictures to keep track of my actual word postings so that I'd know when I hit this milestone.

I wasn't sure what to write about for such a monumental occasion, and I was going to do a sort of a Christmas letter and sum up the past year. But the circumstances of the last 24 hours have led me to want to write something alot more personal and spiritual.

Do you believe in ghosts? Or Heaven? Or at least that our loved ones who proceed onto the next plane before us are still around? What about reincarnation? I would have said no way to these questions years ago. But now I must admit that I sure do like the idea of it, and this may have something to do with getting older. But the first time I considered reincarnation was just after my maternal grandfather died. I had never lost anyone close to me before, (other than my paternal grandfather who died of a heart attack when I was 7). Ever since then, no family, no friends, no pets. I was walking Stanley around the apartment complex I was living in, and this blue jay kept showing up every time we took our walk. I got it in my head that it was Bapaw, coming back as a bird he always complained about, which I thought was kind of funny and ironic. But no matter how crazy it sounds, the idea made me feel so much better and really helped to ease the pain.

The event that really made me start wondering, though, was our wedding. When we started to take pictures, this little stray cat appeared out of nowhere and seemed to want to be in the group pictures. She actually made it into a couple. Then even stranger, when Jav and I were having some taken of just us, the little cat kept wanting to crawl in my lap. Several people afterwards told me they believed that cat was my maternal grandmother, which almost made me fall over because that's what I had been thinking that whole evening. Mamaw would have had to find a way to be at my wedding - she wouldn't have missed it for the world.

And finally, after Gabriel was born, we noticed him doing a strange thing every now and then while lying on his changing table, sometimes crying (he couldn't have been more than 2 or 3 months old or so). He would stare at the ceiling and start to smile. There were no shadows, or ceiling fan, or any movement that Jav or I could see. But he seemed to be really watching something or someone. I liked the idea that maybe that was one or some of his great-grandparents, stopping by to smile down at him. He still does this every once in awhile, and he will go from an all out scream to very quiet and still, then to a smile. And just last week, he was in his high chair and looked down just like one of the pets had come into the room, held up some food, and started his dog talk. But I didn't see anyone. Maybe Stanley dropped in for a quick hello.

I know all of these ideas are probably just things to comfort me and make me miss people or pets just a little less.

So last night, when we knew that Fred had stopped eating for a day again, and seemed to have a fever, I had to rely on all of these things to come to terms with realizing he was too sick to go on. I believe in the power of prayer, but don't normally pray for specific things for myself. However last night I prayed for some kind of miracle to help Fred. But, sadly, he still couldn't eat this morning. We took him in, and the vet listened and understood. He can never make that decision for a pet owner, I guess, but I got the feeling he knew I was making the right decision. When Fred left our world in my arms, all I could do is hope and pray with every fiber of my being that he's now somewhere where he's happy and his mouth doesn't hurt, and he can grow big and strong, and be outside and climb trees and hunt bugs. I hope this very moment he's doing all the things he couldn't do during his short five years in our world. And I hope I meet up with him again to look into those blue-green eyes and scratch that sweet little face. Maybe he can even take a nap with me curled up on my chest. Somehow, someway, I have to believe.