A different Thanksgiving post

I haven't posted for awhile.  I have not had any energy for the last two weeks.  About a month ago, I found out I was pregnant, and without going into any detail, now I'm not.  This is the fourth time this has happened to me (I should say to us, because this is hard on Jav too).  You would think I would be used to it, but you never get used to this.  Along with taking most of my physical strength each day (I've been so tired and queasy I've barely been able to function), the last few weeks have taken a huge emotional toll.  

I tried really hard to not think or be excited about the future with this one, but I couldn't help but have these little fleeting thoughts about Gabriel finally having someone to play with around the house besides Mama and Dada, or thinking about what it would be like to juggle two kids at the grocery store, or considering both male and female names, even though I didn't want to find out what the sex was until the birth.  Mostly I allowed myself to be relieved that I was going to be able to have my second child before I turned 42, which seemed like a good age to stop trying.  

I never thought I'd get to have kids, but then I met Jav and my hopes and dreams started slowly brewing.  We were both pushing the age limit even back then.  After two unsuccessful pregnancies, we had our little miracle.  And we are figuring out after each time this happens that he truly is a miracle.  Because we are older parents, we felt it was important for Gabriel to have a sibling to help him get through this crazy thing called life after we're gone.   I know that he has cousins, but that really isn't the same thing.  So we decided to keep trying, and even after our loss last year, we kept on.  I have been either trying to get pregnant, actually pregnant, or recovering from a pregnancy loss for the last four years.  

Now, however, I am wondering if we should stop.  I'm truly concerned that if I do get pregnant again we might bring a child into the world with physical or mental problems, and that would be leaving a burden to Gabriel after we're gone.  Not what we intended at all.   Maybe now we just need to instill in him the skills he needs to get by on his own, and let him know how important it is to have good friends for support.  (Something we would have done even if he had a sibling).  We've briefly talked about adoption, and still could go that direction.  Right now it isn't really what we want to do, but maybe we'll talk some more.

And to be honest, this wasn't all about Gabriel.  After realizing how amazing it is to hold your own child as a little helpless baby, and get to know his face and his smell and his funny personality, I long for the chance to do it one more time.  This feels a little greedy of me, considering how many women never get the chance to do what I've done even once.  But I think it's also natural, and I can't help it.  Perhaps it's time for us to mourn our losses, accept our situation, be thankful for our many blessings, and try to move on.  It's going to be a rough road, but what better time of year than Thanksgiving to try to start our new journey?

And I say a special prayer for any woman who has suffered this loss, and for any couple trying to conceive, that they eventually find happiness and peace.