Trying to heal

I've been in an organizing mood.  Not grand projects that anyone would notice, but little pockets of disorder that exist all over the house and drive me crazy.  Yesterday I was so proud of myself for finally organizing our first aid and medicine cabinet.  So this morning while Gabriel was playing I made myself clean out some of his old toys that he never touches anymore.  This was such a hard thing to do, not just because it reminded me of Gabriel as a baby and made me realize how fast he has grown up, but because I probably don't need to save them for the second one now.  

My pain has stopped being constant, as it was in the weeks following our loss.  But it still creeps up on me.   The absolute worse place for me to have to go these days is the pediatrician's office.  It seems like every other chair is filled with Moms with toddlers and a newborn sibling.  I want so badly to be one of them, and don't like myself very much for being so envious.  But I still can't help it.  I'm very hopeful that we will have a happy family if we go on just the way we are right now.  But I find myself thinking of Gabriel years from now, when we are gone.  Won't it be sad and lonely for him to not have a sibling to lean on, as Jav and I both do?  When we told our story to our dear friends in Pennsylvania, Barb (who is an only child), told us that her biggest fear once she became an adult was being alone one day.  She said that's why she wanted to have kids so badly (they have three).  But what if Gabriel has trouble having children, as we have had?  There's no way to know what's going to happen that far down the road, and it's silly to worry about it, but those are the kinds of things that flit through my mind as I go about my day.  

It's time for me to work on some things now.  Time to try and tame the green-eyed monster and stop comparing my life to everyone else's.  I've only had this vision of having two kids for a few years, but it's time to shape a new one based on what I have (which is an awful lot), and not what I don't have.  Gabriel is changing so fast.  He's talking now, and sometimes babbles on for minutes before I figure out what he's talking about.  His desire to be independent is growing, and he throws mini-tantrums when you make him do something he doesn't want to do.  Sometimes he gets so frustrated with us that he just holds his fists out, grits his teeth and shakes all over.  Then we all start laughing.  His growing up is so much fun to be a part of, and it absolutely should be enough to fill up our lives.