"I was at Whole Foods yesterday, and bought a smart, adorable white sunhat on an impulse. The weather was suddenly hot, and the hat was lacey, cute, and cheap, $20.99
I pulled off the labels as I walked to my car. As I drove off to meet Sam and Jax on the beach at San Quentin, the world's safest beach, I tried it on.
It was a little tight. I have a huge head, big as a medicine ball. Well, maybe that is an exaggeration, but still, a big head, and the hat did not fit. But I was running late, so I drove on. I would return it another time. I didn't wear it to the beach, because I am a pathetically honest and moral person--mostly, and definitely this one time.
At noon today, I was in the neighborhood, and went into the store to return the hat. I gave it to the woman behind the Customer Service counter along with my receipt. She was about thirty, heavyset, businesslike. After a moment, she looked up, askance. "Did you take off the labels?"
I hung my head. I had. Bad dog. But I pointed out that I had the receipt.
"I'm sorry, but we don't carry this brand. You must have bought it somewhere else."
I smiled jovially, and said, " No, no. Bought it here yesterday. Look at the receipt."
"I see the receipt," she said. "But this is not the hat you bought at our store."
She was either calling me a liar, or nuts. "Yes, it is. I promise you that I did. Yesterday."
"I'm sorry," she said grimly. "We don't carry this brand. You could not have bought it here."
So my errand had plunged me into something from Kafka, or Samuel Beckett. I was under suspicion now, in some notorious three-card hat Monte hat scam that they were trained to watch for, at the Whole Foods holiness temple. How low can you go? Plus, I was no longer positive I'd bought the hat there. I urgently needed smelling salts, or a a CT-scan. I wondered if I had done permanent brain damage by smashing my head too often on the dryer door when I have bent down below to take wet clothes out of the washer.
I am not proud of what I said next, and please, for the love of God, don't tell Sam. I said, "I'm a Sunday School teacher. And I've been sober nearly 27 years. I don't lie." I did not add, "Very often."
She said,"What does that matter? We couldn't have sold you this hat."
Now, Sam said, when he was about ten, that vibe is everything. So I stayed calm and friendly. I led the woman over to the hat rack, and showed her a hat that had a label like the one I remembered tearing off the hat. "Nope. That's a different brand," she said.
The manager was summoned. She looked at my hat, and my receipt. "I'm sorry, but we don't carry that brand. It's that simple."
Now I wanted smelling salts, a CT scan, and a broom, with which to hit both of them. We went back to the counter. The woman made a phone call, returned shaking her head, pissed off. She pushed the hat across the counter to me, like a chess piece. We both studied it.
I remained calm. Vibe really is everything. Also, I once saw on a sticker with a photo of Koko, the first signing gorilla, that said, "The law of the American jungle: Remain calm, and share your bananas."
I said I'd go look for the labels in my car, one more time. I didn't find them, but walking back inside, to retrieve my new hat, I found them in my purse. It said, "Whole Foods" on it.
There was a new woman now at Customer Service. The new one was anorexic, they both seemed bitter. They stopping talking when they saw me. I handed the Customer Service woman my labels.
They looked as if I have just handed them my underpants. They studied them for a moment. "Okay," said the manager. The Customer Service woman rang me up, and handed me my refund, without saying a word. I gave her my biggest Mary Tyler Moore beamy face, from my big medicine ball head, and then bought the large, GROSSLY overpriced quart of mixed berries. And they were so, so good, each one a small gem."
Now, aren't you glad you read that? Isn't your day starting off in a brighter way? I love her because she writes like I think. And writes like I wish I could write.
It was a little tight. I have a huge head, big as a medicine ball. Well, maybe that is an exaggeration, but still, a big head, and the hat did not fit. But I was running late, so I drove on. I would return it another time. I didn't wear it to the beach, because I am a pathetically honest and moral person--mostly, and definitely this one time.
At noon today, I was in the neighborhood, and went into the store to return the hat. I gave it to the woman behind the Customer Service counter along with my receipt. She was about thirty, heavyset, businesslike. After a moment, she looked up, askance. "Did you take off the labels?"
I hung my head. I had. Bad dog. But I pointed out that I had the receipt.
"I'm sorry, but we don't carry this brand. You must have bought it somewhere else."
I smiled jovially, and said, " No, no. Bought it here yesterday. Look at the receipt."
"I see the receipt," she said. "But this is not the hat you bought at our store."
She was either calling me a liar, or nuts. "Yes, it is. I promise you that I did. Yesterday."
"I'm sorry," she said grimly. "We don't carry this brand. You could not have bought it here."
So my errand had plunged me into something from Kafka, or Samuel Beckett. I was under suspicion now, in some notorious three-card hat Monte hat scam that they were trained to watch for, at the Whole Foods holiness temple. How low can you go? Plus, I was no longer positive I'd bought the hat there. I urgently needed smelling salts, or a a CT-scan. I wondered if I had done permanent brain damage by smashing my head too often on the dryer door when I have bent down below to take wet clothes out of the washer.
I am not proud of what I said next, and please, for the love of God, don't tell Sam. I said, "I'm a Sunday School teacher. And I've been sober nearly 27 years. I don't lie." I did not add, "Very often."
She said,"What does that matter? We couldn't have sold you this hat."
Now, Sam said, when he was about ten, that vibe is everything. So I stayed calm and friendly. I led the woman over to the hat rack, and showed her a hat that had a label like the one I remembered tearing off the hat. "Nope. That's a different brand," she said.
The manager was summoned. She looked at my hat, and my receipt. "I'm sorry, but we don't carry that brand. It's that simple."
Now I wanted smelling salts, a CT scan, and a broom, with which to hit both of them. We went back to the counter. The woman made a phone call, returned shaking her head, pissed off. She pushed the hat across the counter to me, like a chess piece. We both studied it.
I remained calm. Vibe really is everything. Also, I once saw on a sticker with a photo of Koko, the first signing gorilla, that said, "The law of the American jungle: Remain calm, and share your bananas."
I said I'd go look for the labels in my car, one more time. I didn't find them, but walking back inside, to retrieve my new hat, I found them in my purse. It said, "Whole Foods" on it.
There was a new woman now at Customer Service. The new one was anorexic, they both seemed bitter. They stopping talking when they saw me. I handed the Customer Service woman my labels.
They looked as if I have just handed them my underpants. They studied them for a moment. "Okay," said the manager. The Customer Service woman rang me up, and handed me my refund, without saying a word. I gave her my biggest Mary Tyler Moore beamy face, from my big medicine ball head, and then bought the large, GROSSLY overpriced quart of mixed berries. And they were so, so good, each one a small gem."
Now, aren't you glad you read that? Isn't your day starting off in a brighter way? I love her because she writes like I think. And writes like I wish I could write.
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