Fixable mistakes

I think I really messed up with Gabriel when we first brought Joel home. In my sleep-deprived and overwhelmed state, I think I expected him to grow up overnight. I expected him to stop arguing with me and start minding me, and basically stop being three years old just so that my life would be a little easier. I lost my patience with him all too quickly, and used my exasperated tone with him so much. And even yelled at him a good number of times. It took me a couple of months to realize that I was doing these things, and it's taken another couple of months to figure out why. It also dawned on me that every time we leave the house as a family, to go to Mass or run errands, that I grab Joel and Jav looks after Gabriel. It is amazing to me how much Joel has become almost like another appendage to me. Now I am trying to let Jav take Joel more while I take Gabriel for awhile.

I keep having a sensation that he is slipping away from me, that I am not tending to his three-year-old psyche somehow and it will change our relationship forever. When I mention even a hint of this to women who have been Moms for a long time, they always tell me that he will not remember any of this and to stop worrying so much. But I have been making a huge effort to try and be more patient and loving with him again, and to constantly remind myself that he is only three (and really acts more like two sometimes). This takes almost superhuman effort because my child was either born defiant and thinking he knows everything, or it's just a very long stage we're going through. But I think my efforts are paying off. I feel him coming back to me again. He hugs me more, and is talking to me more and wanting me to play with him again.

I had my teeth cleaned a few weeks ago, and my dental hygienist has two sons who are 16 and 19, the same age difference as mine. She said she realized that she was doing the same thing to her oldest when she brought her second son home, and she swears that it did change him forever. I have known her long enough now to know that she would never exaggerate about this. She said he never was as huggy and snuggly baby-like after that. And now she can't get him to show any affection to her at all, whereas the younger one is the exact opposite. It was a little unnerving to hear validation of my worries from someone, but it will just make me work that much harder to fix what I may have messed up.

Now that Joel is taking some pretty good naps Gabriel and I are playing more and more again, and it feels so great to spend that time with him on the floor, laughing and tickling him. Yesterday we crazy danced (more like jumping) to the Ting Tings all around his room. I have missed that more than I can say, and it feels so great to get that one-on-one fun time with him again.