Hurting

Actually, my heart is not just hurting, it's breaking. Our sweet Molly has bone cancer in her front leg. We were thinking it was a bad sprain or her arthritis acting up. But the x-ray showed otherwise. Dr. Norris said the treatment is normally amputation. That's when the severity of what was going on hit me and the tears started flowing, even though I had both boys with me. Then he broke the news that even with amputation, prognosis is not good, only adding 6 - 9 months to her life. If we don't do the surgery, this type of cancer usually causes horrible pain that doesn't respond well to pain meds.

Oh, how I had hoped that this moment wouldn't come for another couple of years. But with a big dog, you have to think realistically. She is nine now. She's been in relatively good health, other than arthritis in her hips.

The vet gave me a card with a surgery center number to set up a consultation to help us make a decision. I made the appointment for yesterday, Monday, morning. I cancelled it last Friday. Even though I treasure every minute I get with her, I just can't put her through something that drastic for such a small amount of time. I hate that money had to be a factor, but of course it did. Honestly, though, I think even if we had the money I don't think I would have done it.

We had her on the milder pain med, and she seemed to be responding pretty well. I even walked her twice last week, which the vet had said was fine if she felt like it. But Sunday she started having a much harder time getting around. So yesterday we picked up the stronger pain medicine. It's morphine based and might make her a little dopey. It may be helping a tiny bit, but her limp is still pretty bad and she has a pretty hard time getting up. I HATE our hardwood floors right now. I wish we had carpet just to help her out a little.

I'm trying really hard to live in the moment. I've had more time this week to sit on the floor with her head in my lap and just love on her like crazy. But sometimes I get so sad I have to go off by myself and have a good sob. Gabriel knows I'm really upset. We have told him that Molly is sick and her leg is really hurting. I am spending alot of time checking to see where she is and making sure that they won't step on or stumble over her. I know she would never hurt the boys in a normal state of mind, but pain can cause some abnormal behavior.

I've been through this before with Stanley. It was agonizing, trying to decide when the time had come, and not wanting to do it too soon. This isn't any easier, although I think I learned that that dog will let me know when the time has come.