Saying goodbye

It's just so hard. After a gut-wrenching couple of days we had to say a sad goodbye to our sweet Molly. Our last three days with her were hard but also wonderful. We all got to spend tons of time petting her, and telling her how much we loved her. But we also had to watch her pain get gradually worse, until the last day she couldn't take more than a few steps without stopping to rest. Dogs are so loving and she wanted to be right in the middle of wherever we all were, so even though I was trying to keep her in one place resting, she would always get up to be wherever we were (I guess where I was is more accurate). We grilled burgers that Saturday night, and she hobbled out to the porch in 103 degree weather to be with Jav and wait for her samples that he always gave her. When she was not on her feet, she seemed perfectly fine. We would wonder if we were making the right decision, until she tried to get up again and we knew we were.

The vet was at church when I called him, but being the wonderful person that he is he agreed to meet us at the clinic. Molly LOVED going up there, and I had been distraught thinking that we might have to take her to a strange place with people she didn't know. But she was wagging her tail just like always and happy up the end. Jav and I, though, were despondent at the thought of losing her. It seemed like she went from being fine to not being fine so fast. I kept getting almost angry thinking that she probably would have had a good two years left if this had not happened. But it did happen. I guess most people who end up with cancer and their loved ones feel that way.

I've been through this before, and know that the first week is the hardest. I keep expecting to be in her favorite spots: under the dining room table, waiting just outside the kitchen while we eat, in the hallway while the boys played with their cars. She would come in every morning with me to get Joel up, and would be in Gabriel's room every night while we were putting him to bed. I can't stand to come home and realize that our big sloppy greeter isn't here anymore. I don't like to look in the backyard and remember seeing her lying in the sun, or grazing like a big cow. I want to reach down when I'm just waking up and pet that head. I want to feel that big tail all of a sudden gently whipping my leg while I'm watering outside. All of it just hurts.

I'm trying to take comfort in the fact that for the last five years I've been home, and not working. We got to spend SO much more time with her because of that. And this past weekend I spotted a quote that has helped me more than anything:

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened. "

I just love that. But my goodness I miss her.

Hurting

Actually, my heart is not just hurting, it's breaking. Our sweet Molly has bone cancer in her front leg. We were thinking it was a bad sprain or her arthritis acting up. But the x-ray showed otherwise. Dr. Norris said the treatment is normally amputation. That's when the severity of what was going on hit me and the tears started flowing, even though I had both boys with me. Then he broke the news that even with amputation, prognosis is not good, only adding 6 - 9 months to her life. If we don't do the surgery, this type of cancer usually causes horrible pain that doesn't respond well to pain meds.

Oh, how I had hoped that this moment wouldn't come for another couple of years. But with a big dog, you have to think realistically. She is nine now. She's been in relatively good health, other than arthritis in her hips.

The vet gave me a card with a surgery center number to set up a consultation to help us make a decision. I made the appointment for yesterday, Monday, morning. I cancelled it last Friday. Even though I treasure every minute I get with her, I just can't put her through something that drastic for such a small amount of time. I hate that money had to be a factor, but of course it did. Honestly, though, I think even if we had the money I don't think I would have done it.

We had her on the milder pain med, and she seemed to be responding pretty well. I even walked her twice last week, which the vet had said was fine if she felt like it. But Sunday she started having a much harder time getting around. So yesterday we picked up the stronger pain medicine. It's morphine based and might make her a little dopey. It may be helping a tiny bit, but her limp is still pretty bad and she has a pretty hard time getting up. I HATE our hardwood floors right now. I wish we had carpet just to help her out a little.

I'm trying really hard to live in the moment. I've had more time this week to sit on the floor with her head in my lap and just love on her like crazy. But sometimes I get so sad I have to go off by myself and have a good sob. Gabriel knows I'm really upset. We have told him that Molly is sick and her leg is really hurting. I am spending alot of time checking to see where she is and making sure that they won't step on or stumble over her. I know she would never hurt the boys in a normal state of mind, but pain can cause some abnormal behavior.

I've been through this before with Stanley. It was agonizing, trying to decide when the time had come, and not wanting to do it too soon. This isn't any easier, although I think I learned that that dog will let me know when the time has come.

10 things...

I love about summer are:

-going to the farmer's market and the of bounty fruits and vegetables available.

-playing in the kiddie pool or the sprinkler with the boys, and going swimming in big pools.

-going for early morning walks in the quiet with Molly (although this is a little tough now - more later).

-working in the yard after the boys have gone to sleep - mostly watering, watering, watering.

-air conditioning.

-the toads that visit our yard, and finding them in all of the shallow water bowls I have sitting around the yard.

-adventure Thursdays with the boys.

-grilling, now that I finally got brave and made a successful and delicious meal all by myself!

-sweet tea.

-air conditioning!!!!!

I hate about summer are:

-mosquitos (biting the boys; they never bite me).

-sunscreen, and having to apply it to wiggly boys who are ready to swim.

-feeling pressure to keep my toenails painted and looking pretty all the time.

-working in the yard after the boys have gone to sleep. Yes, this is under both categories. It just depends on my mood.

-having to get the all the laundry done by 2 pm so the garage won't be even more of a hotbox when Bones goes out for the night.

-sweating, sweating, and more sweating, and feeling like I need a shower sometimes two or three times a day.

-loading the kids in a boiling hot car.

-windy days that don't bring rain.

-my hair. It just stays up.

-worrying about the city running out of water. I know, it's ridiculous, but it's what I do.

A thank you to my son

You had me nervous before you ever came out.

You see, I didn't prepare and learn about all the issues of nursing a child before I had your brother. I thought it would be easy and simple. After all, women had been feeding their babies this way since the beginning of time. But your brother came out hungry, and we could never make it all work. Which broke my heart a little. So when I found out about you, I thought to myself that I had a second chance. But would I be able to pull it off? Make that would WE be able to pull it off?

Well, we began our journey really well. You were so laid back about everything, and didn't seem to mind that your mother is a complete control freak. Something that goes against the nature of nursing. But you were patient with me. You were probably amused by my late night phone calls to my friend Sue, who I consider the equivalent of a sponsor to an AA member - only my drug was control. Every time I spoke with her, she had to patiently remind me that you were the one who should be running the show, not me.

We got into a real rhythm by about your fourth month, and I was finally able to get it. THIS is why women breast feed. It felt like an extension of the miracle of pregnancy and birth. Not only could I grow you inside of me, but I also had this ability to feed and nourish you, almost like the umbilical cord became magically attached again every time you nursed. I was nervous at first about nursing you away from home. But we learned together to do it. No need to cart around bottles, or formula, or anything. We just needed you, and me. And even though you were too big to ever feed out in public (no blanket could keep you covered up), as long as I could find a bathroom stall or empty room, we could be comfortable. Anytime you needed it, anywhere we happened to be, I could give you food.

Early on I read a book or watched TV while you ate at home, but sometime around your sixth month I decided to only pay attention to you. I sang songs to you, which you really seemed to like. I stroked your downy, fuzzy head which I know you loved, and still do. But the things you gave to me were so much bigger than anything I gave to you. I felt a connection to all the other women who came before me and did this. I felt in touch with the rhythms of the earth. I felt a relief from just letting go. But I mostly felt really, really peaceful. No matter how crazy our day had been going, or how frantic you seemed if you woke up at night, all it took was five minutes to get us both so relaxed we could go to sleep.

We had some rough spots here and there. You started getting your teeth in, and had to learn that a biting boy ends up a hungry boy. OUCH! But it only took two interruptions for you to figure that out. You are so big that we had to try a couple of different places where we could both be comfortable, ending up on an ottoman that we stuck in the middle of your room. That became such an important piece of furniture, and even though it is back in its place in the living room I will never sit on it without feeling the weight of you in my arms, remembering the sight of your sweet profile and the feel of your little hands on my face.

I find myself looking at you doing different things around the house, playing or watching TV, and I can feel my milk start to come in. I have an urge to grab you and let you eat, and start it all up again. Because even though you have been ready for this for weeks, I am still not ready, and I don't believe I would ever have been truly ready. Because when we were together, doing our thing, my addiction to control had finally given way to an addiction to peace. And because I know I will never do any of these miraculous things again. This ending brings an ending to the magic of having a baby.

But see, here's where you have come through for me again. Bedtime, which could have been hard for me to get through, has turned into a special, fun time each night. After I came up with the idea of singing one song with you before rocking and singing you to sleep, you decided to start playing a new game. You point to different squares on the wonderful quilt that Susan made for you, and want me to tell what it is, and sing a song about it. And hearing your funny babble, seeing your little thumb and index finger pressed together pointing, and knowing how happy you are has made it so easy for me to move on. Instead of the wistful sadness I was sure I would feel each night, I find myself looking forward to bedtime now just as much as before. And I realize, every night, watching you and holding you, that not only did we pull it off, but we did a fantastic job. We should both be so very, very proud.

One of the scariest nights of my life.

The pictures and stories from Joplin, MO are heart-wrenching and terrifying in the fact that those tornados could have occurred here in Texas just as easily. So last night when we had more bad weather predicted, I think we were all a little more on edge than usual.

I have lived here my entire life, and I guess I've learned enough about our crazy Texas weather to know that the weather outside early yesterday evening was menacing. It looked like a windy spring day. But when you walked outside there was just something weird about the way the wind was blowing and the color of the sky that made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. The boys and I had eaten dinner while listening to distant thunder, and I thought, "here we go again." But by the time we finished and headed outside, the sun was shining so I thought it had all missed us.

After we'd been outside about 15 minutes, it clouded over again, and that weird wind started up again. I looked up, and even though the sun was still shining all around us, I saw there was a wall cloud directly over us, just like the ones they talk when tracking tornados. The hair on the back of my neck stood up again, and I grabbed Joel and told Gabriel to get inside so we could check the radar. He did not pay any attention to me and ran away from me when I went to grab him. Sigh. I left him outside (we were in the backyard) and went to check the radar.

A tornado had just touched down east of Springtown, but it looked like the whole storm was north of us and was going to miss us. I texted my brother in Weatherford to make sure they were ok. He replied that all they got was a little rain. I relaxed a little and gave the boys their bath. Sometime during the bath I heard my phone ring with Jav's ring, but I had left it in the kitchen. I just assumed he was calling to say he was on his way home. All through the bath we would all of sudden hear the crazy wind pick up outside. Then the home phone started ringing. As soon as I got them dried off I saw my sister-in-law had called. I called her back and she said there were now three cells they were watching, the original one up north, one headed towards her in Mansfield, and one headed towards us. Her boyfriend lives in Euless and was in the closet with his two girls with sirens going off, because that big northern cell kept spinning and ending up more south than they were predicting. Slight panic returns.

Then Jav called and let me in on the news that he was still at work with golfball sized hail and sirens going off. My first reaction was thinking not very nice words. But then I came to my senses and was glad he was in a safe place instead of driving in all of this. I finished getting the boys ready for bed and checked the radar before getting Joel to bed, which takes about 20 minutes. Then I left Gabriel on our bed watching cartoons. While I was rocking Joel my phone started ringing. It's set on Pinball Machine for unknown numbers. And it kept ding ding ding dinging. Then again. The third call (from Jav at work) I answered and he said that rotational clouds had been spotted at an intersection about 5 minutes from us, according to one of the local newscasts. He assumed the sirens would be going off, but no, all you could hear was rain and that crazy wind.

I finished getting Joel down and went to check the weather. Right about the same time the satellite went out, the sirens started going off. Well, here we go again, super-sized. I was really trying not to totally lose it with panic for Gabriel's sake. I told him to get into the bathroom and stay there, and that some strange things were going to happen because there might be a tornado coming and we needed to stay safe. I grabbed Bones, stuffed him into a cat carrier and put him in the bathroom. I couldn't find Zoe, so didn't waste any more time looking for her. Right then the hail started. Big hail. I had just learned the day before that hail meant a tornado might follow. I never knew that before. This is about when my adrenaline kicked up so high I stop remembering things clearly. I went to get Gabriel's twin mattress and got it into the bathroom really quickly. I got Joel out of bed, dragged Molly into the bathroom (she did NOT want to go in there) and closed the door. Once we were sitting on the edge of the tub I tried to hear if the sirens were still going off over Gabriel's nonstop questions, Joel's whining and Bones's yeowling. They were. Crap! Crap! Crap!

I think I also stopped worrying about whether I was freaking Gabriel out or not, because I was freaking out. I called Jav and told him we were in the tub, sirens going off and big hail falling out of the sky. So now he's freaking out. I wondered if maybe the sirens were going off due to the hail or had a tornado been spotted? Jav said he would call his sister (I guess they had no satellite either), and call me back. I finally had a moment to focus on what Gabriel had been asking me. He had been asking over and over again if everything would be different outside if a tornado came? I wasn't sure what he meant and didn't really answer at first. He said, "Mommy, just like Dorothy, after her house goes through the tornado, when she opens the door and everything looks different? Would that happen to us?"

Why, oh why did I have to use the word "tornado?" Why, oh why, did MGM have to make a movie that makes it seem like a tornado would be a fun thing to go through? I told him I would have to explain more to him tomorrow. I texted my brother to tell him what was happening. Jav called back and said that there was no worry about tornado in our area, just hail. He was going to try to make it home. I told him to please be careful, because people were still posting on Facebook that they were having a third round of sirens and hail. The scary thing about this storm is that it seemed like one minute everything would be quiet, and the next minute a big storm would drop out of the sky.

I let the (by then) totally PO'd cat out of the carrier, the totally confused dog out of the bathroom, tried to calm down the totally wired Gabriel, and went to put the totally tired little Joel back to bed. He, of course, started screaming. I tried to comfort him a little, and turned on his turtle. Then I tuned him out. I attempted to move Gabriel's mattress back down the hallway and for the life of me couldn't figure out how I had moved it so easily in there. It took me forever to get it back on his bed! I read him one book and sang him one song. He thought the whole night was a really fun adventure and conked out pretty quickly. I called my Mom to check on she and Dad. The weather outside was still windy and rainy. I remembered to text my brother to let him know that we were out of the tub and it looked like we'd had ping pong ball-sized hail. There's still a bunch of debris (mostly tufts of leaves from the trees) all over the yard. Jav finally made it home and I was SOOOOOOOO happy he made it safe and that he was home. More texts and phone calls to let everyone he was home. What in the world did we do before all of this technology? Nothing much until the next morning, I guess, except pray that all of our loved ones were safe.

So today, there were still a few leftover concerns. What to tell Gabriel about tornados without scaring him half to death. Which city official to complain to about our shabby alarm system on the Eastside. And of course, a big shout out and thank you to God (or Mother Nature?, or, insert higher power of your choice) for keeping us safe, and leaving me with this story to retell.

Big Love, part two

I meant to post this with the last post. I've always loved her voice, and this cover is just beautiful. One of the things I also read about the ending of the show was a quote from Bill Paxton saying the show was never really about Bill, but about his wives. And isn't is only appropriate that this song was reworked by a woman?

End of a good (but sometimes crazy) show

We were WAY behind on DVR watching this past month, and finally watched the Big Love series finale last Sunday night.

Wow. I'm still trying to decide if I liked the way it ended or not. I had become a little tired of the show last season, and found it getting ridiculous when Bill Henrickson ran for the State Senate and won. I really think the show got a bit too big for its britches that season, and would have preferred if they had stayed focused on the everyday issues that a polygamist family must face. But they pulled the story line together in the end and had me watching with enthusiasm this last season. I find myself pretty sad that the show is over.

The writing was good when it wasn't outlandish, and the acting was superb. And in one of the post-finale comments on the HBO page, a life long LDS member praised the unbelievable research the creators did on the Mormon church and its sometime sketchy history. I know I learned things every week about their beliefs, and found myself some weeks understanding why families follow that faith for generations. But other weeks they just seemed pretty wacky. Either way, it was a pretty out-there concept for a show, and they made it work. Anything with this caliber actors combined with thought-provoking writing is very rare on television these days.

Now we need to find a new drama to get hooked on since Mad Men doesn't return until 2012!

The Comic Trifecta

Love them!!!!!!!!!

I was never a big fan of comics as a younger adult. I found certain people funny, like Seinfeld, but I couldn't imagine paying for an entire show and feeling it was worth my time and money. That was before Jav introduced me to a DVD of Eddie Izzard. I laughed so often and so hard through the whole thing, then found myself thinking about how smart and funny and true it all was weeks later. I couldn't wait to see his older stuff, and I knew my attitude was changing because I dreamed of possibly seeing him live. I never thought he'd get big enough to want to come to conservative, Bible Belt wearing Texas. The day I found out he was coming to the Majestic Theater a few years back was a happy one indeed (selling out, no less!) And the show passed all expectations I had going in.

Since then I have added two more comedians to my "I Will Pay To See You Live" list: Craig Ferguson and Ricky Gervais. My brother forwarded a You Tube video of Elmo interviewing Ricky Gervais to me, and I was a fan after that (although I found his hosting efforts of the last Golden Globes awards ceremony more mean-spirited than funny). Jav and I discovered Craig on his Late, Late Show a few years back and found him so funny that we decided to start watching him every night. We drifted away from him when Joel was born, but then about three weeks ago found ourselves looking at the Winstar (Shreveport casino) schedule to see if he had any shows scheduled over the summer. There were none, but then Jav, being the wonderful persistent husband that he is, found that he was going to be at Bass Hall the following Sunday night. He bought tickets and surprised me for our anniversary. Good, good husband!!!

He had an opening act, a guy we think is always on his show, who was vulgar and shocking and not very funny at all. There's something shocking and uncomfortable about hearing the F word over and over again in Bass Hall. And even though Craig cursed like a sailor here and there during the show, he was so incredibly smart and funny that I didn't really notice it. (Or maybe I just got used to hearing it in that place). I grinned, giggled and guffawed so much that my face hurt after the show was over.

The two men we've seen live are so different. Eddie Izzard thrives on making fun of history, organized religion, and other large topics of general human interest. Craig Ferguson's humor is more self-deprecating (and BOY does he have a store of material!) But both have that smart British sense of humor that I apparently love.

Now I have my eye on Ricky Gervais.

School's out for summer!

First day of school - still with his summer haircut!

And taken today with his wonderful teachers, Mrs. Jendel and Mrs. Draper.

He doesn't really look that different, but boy has this boy matured in the last school year. His teachers have really gotten a kick out of him honing his drum and singing skills for the last couple of weeks. They asked me one day when I picked him up if he listened to a band called the Foo Fighters? I thought they were a bit disapproving, but then the next week (after talking with Gabriel about what's appropriate to do and not do in class), Mrs. Jendel said she had told her son about Gabriel and her son thought it was SO cool that a four-year-old like the Foos. It turns out her son is 18 and in a band himself, and really wants to meet Gabriel!

I know he will miss his friends over the next three months, but will probably still have alot of them return with him for their Pre-K next year. In the meantime, I'm planning a bunch of fun stuff for us to do. I love summer break!!!!

Lost innocence

I love this picture of Cade reading to Gabriel.

Gabriel is growing up so fast. I'm not sure when it happened that he is almost not a toddler anymore. I needed to buy him some bigger undies and didn't realize that toddler sizes stop at 4T. I wandered over to the big boy clothes and found some, and had to stop myself from tearing up a little. I am so pathetic. I waited such a long time to have these boys, and wasn't sure at times if I would get to have any kids. So every day of them being small and being here with me has been a gift.

But having an almost non-toddler brings on some new challenges. Gabriel just recently started noticing what other kids are wearing and let me know that he wants a matching backpack and lunchbox set just like his classmate Joseph has. In a way, this is good because it's easy to understand what he really wants. But I'm sure it could lead to conversations that I'm sure I had with my mother, "But HE has one, so how come you won't let me get one?" Sigh. Payback is heck.

On a more serious note, we know we need to start the conversation about stranger danger and keeping private parts private and all of that. I have occasionally tried but it hasn't gone well. I HATE being the one who has to destroy Gabriel's total innocence and utmost faith in the good of mankind. Because he has that right now. He waves to people at the grocery store and tells the guy at the drive-thru window that he has a baby brother named Joel. He tried to tell our waiter at Campo Verde tonight that the fire trucks were out at the fire station when we drove by. He has no reason to believe that there are people in the world who might try to hurt him. I never saw this coming, never realized how tough it would be. I've been stalling on figuring out how to talk to him. But I know times being what they are we must find a way to have the discussion for his own safety.

In the meantime, we have ourselves a little drummer boy. He has been practicing his drums at least four times a day, playing for 15 - 20 minutes each time. His stamina is improving with each day. So, sometimes we think we should find someone to give him lessons, as long as they are used to teaching kids that young and won't teach the fun out of it. And sometimes we think he's still too young for that much direction and seems to be having so much fun that we really shouldn't interfere. We're leaning towards trying it and if he likes it, we'll keep it up at least through the summer. If he doesn't, we'll quit and maybe try again in a year or so.

Easter

We had an egg hunt and lunch the day before Easter. This was the first outside egg hunt we had in the last 3 or 4 years. Thank you Easter Bunny, it's so much funner outside!

Joel didn't really understand what was going on and just wanted to play.

Counting the loot. (Gabriel caught eating the loot on camera)

This boy is growing up way too fast.

Bubbles!

Sunday we went to Mass then changed for Randol Mill Park. Another egg hunt (another disinterested Joel), and a picnic.

Thank you Tita for the homemade cupcake!

My sweeties.

Weird weather

I didn't take this picture, but I wish I had. It's beautiful!

We should be used to having spring thunderstorms around here. But this year they seem a little wackier.

The first thing that's strange is that in most previous years (that I can remember, at least), the thunderstorms seemed to hit around 4 - 7 pm, right around rush hour traffic. This year they keep hitting in the middle of the night. The second thing that's strange is the temperatures keep fluctuating much more than I can remember in previous years. Here it was the beginning of May this past weekend, and the highs were in the fifties. It got down to 39 last night at our house. I seem to recall a few Mayfests that were chilly, but not this cold. And the thunder itself seems different to me. Instead of a mixture of some loud BOOMS and some rolling, the sound seems to mostly be long, long rolls that start really far off, then finally make their way here with a slight BOOM then roll on by somewhere farther away again.

Sunday night we got three different sets of this thunder, along with tons of lightning and finally a downpour each time. And don't forget that cold, whipping wind. It seemed to me like Mother Nature was being very moody and couldn't make up her mind which season it was.

Just. Plain. Weird.

New shoes

We went to do some formal shoe shopping for the boys last night. All I have done up until now is use hand-me-downs, birthday and Christmas gifts, and an occasional purchase from a random shoe store for the boys' shoes. I knew that Joel has needed some that fit him better for about two months. But just didn't want to take the time to get to Stride Rite, the holy grail of shoe stores for kids, because it was kind of a long drive to The Parks mall in Arlington. And also because I knew it was gonna be expensive. Then about two weeks ago we noticed Joel had these weird blister looking things on almost all of his toes - yuck. It turns out he can't wear Crocs right now because he still turns his little toes in so much while walking, and all that rubbing causes the skin to flake. Double yuck. And since he only had those and his tiny tennis shoes, he was kind of up a creek.

So we finally loaded them up and made a fun afternoon out of it. We decided to check Gabriel's size too, because I thought his tennis shoes were looking kind of small. (Not very scientific, but at least it entered my brain). It turns out both boys need wide widths. Gabriel was only one size too small. Joel was two. Ouch. Hopefully I haven't ruined his feet for the rest of his life. We walked out with new tennies and water shoes for both boys, but since they were having a good sale it didn't his us that hard in the pocketbook. Joel wouldn't stop looking at his feet walking around the mall afterwards. He probably couldn't figure out why his little toes weren't all smushed together, and marveled that he could actually move them around.

Up until now I think I must admit one big parenting FAIL when it comes to shoes, but I have seen the light! I will now be making the pilgrimage to Stride Rite once a year to check their sizes and make a yearly purchase. I believe in the power of freer, wiggly toes!

The crazy never really stops, does it?

When we first had Gabriel, we were too overwhelmed with exhaustion and the stress of being new parents to really stop and think about how much faster and busier our lives got. Then after Joel, same thing. You're sleep deprived and you just go through the motions of what you have to do in that fog, although it was easier in the sense that we knew what it was like to have a baby the second time around.

For many years now, it seems we are so nonstop busy that we don't get to stop to catch our breaths. It also seems like life gets more stressful than I can handle sometimes. Up to about six months ago (right around when Joel turned one), I would always say, "All of this will get easier and we'll have more time to do nothing." Well, now I am starting to realize that the busy never really goes away when you have children. And the really stressful times come so often that I think it's dawning on me that this is just my life now. I need to get a grip on the fact that a) we have lots of family here, so always will be busy with them, b) having older pets is going to be hard and expensive, and maybe even sad sometimes c) the kids are going to continue to get sick alot when they are little and d) we live in an old house that will constantly have things breaking down and needing to be fixed.

In other words, maybe the problem is me, and that I'm just not dealing with the stress very well.

Take, for example, the past week. Last Thursday and Friday I cleaned house like a mad woman because I had not done so in a very long time. My side of the family came for our annual Easter Egg Hunt and lunch on Saturday. It was great fun, but we were wiped out afterwards. Sunday we had Mass at 9 am and then changed clothes for a picnic and afternoon at Randol Mill Park with Jav's family. Once again, loads of fun, but completely exhausted afterwards.

Tuesday night I realized that Zoe had not eaten or drank anything since the night before and was not coming out from underneath the bed. Jav was supposed to fly out of town for one night Wednesday morning, and dropped her off at the vet on the way to the airport. The vet is pretty sure she had a bladder infection. This meant that Wednesday night, along with getting the boys fed, bathed and put to bed by myself (really not a problem anymore), I was trying to make sure Zoe ate her food with the antibiotic stirred in and was trying to keep track of whether or not she drank any water and used the litter box.

Thursday afternoon Gabriel got hit with a stomach virus, but luckily it passed through him really quickly and he seemed over that part by bedtime. But now he's coming down with a cold. Jav and I were supposed to go see a movie and go out to eat for our anniversary tomorrow, but we've cancelled with the grandma babysitters and will try again either Sunday or who knows when since Mother's Day is right around the corner. Oh, and did I mention that I'm hosting my book club here on Wednesday night? After working that day?

It still sounds awfully crazy to me. But I now realize that there are millions of families with kids and lots of family and pets who are going through the same types of weeks, maybe even busier with baseball practices and games, and homework, and whatever else that we haven't even started yet. I know how lucky we are to have these boys, to have our family close and to have so many good friends that we are busy all the time. Sometimes I just wish we could say "NO" to a few more things so that we could stop and take a breath, chill out, lay in the hammock, read a book, putter in the yard, browse in a bookstore, watch an entire movie, lollygag and loll about. Sleep.

I know you're thinking, "You need a vacation!" So true, but sadly probably not an option for us this year. Or maybe you're thinking, "Just chill out and get a grip. And quit whining!" Which is probably what I would think if I read this and somebody else wrote it.

Another crazy zoo trip

We had my niece, Macy, over to spend the night last weekend. We decided to take her to the zoo, partly because they were having a new dinosaur exhibit and partly because it was absolutely beautiful outside that day. Every time we've been to the zoo lately, we've seen some really neat things. This time did not disappoint, and was just made even more fun since Macy was with us. This was the first dinosaur we walked up on. Gabriel is not convinced at this point that it's not real. They all moved and made noise, and were just so cool!

This guy was the biggest one. A little while after this was taken, we ended up at Gabriel's favorite spot - the birds of prey. (Which just happens to be mine too.) We always see something pretty amazing from these beautiful (and big) birds. And this time was no different. One of the Bataleur Eagles was sitting on a nest, and looked quite content to be there no matter how many visitors were staring at her. Then, we realized that one of the Harpy Eagles had landed just over the walkway and was causing quite a stir. He was literally two feet above our heads, but we were coming at him from behind. When I started winding around to try to take his picture from the front I overheard other zoo patrons saying something about being sorry for the mouse. I thought, uh-oh. And sure enough, he was clutching a little mouse between his gigantic talons. I tried to tell Macy and Gabriel to just walk on by and not look too close. But what does a little kid do when you tell him/her not to look at something. They gawked. And were so excited to see the mouse. Luckily, just after we all had cleared him and were looking for the Andean Condor, we heard the crowd go, "eeeeeeewwwwwwwww!!!!!" So I guess we just barely missed seeing him eat his dinner, which would have been a little too much nature, even for me.

This looks like a triceratops, but is something called a torosaurus.

I just love it when Gabriel can spend time with his cousins. These two aren't very far apart in age, but when Cade and Macy are both at our house they have a tendency to play with each other and sort of forget about Gabriel (which I totally understand!). But that's why I decided to start having them over one at a time, alternate months. Gabriel and Macy had a GREAT time together and really bonded this time.

My very cute chubby-cheeked men.

She is such a cutie! We had so much fun with her, and laughed so much our sides hurt during dinner. I love she and Cade SO MUCH and am so glad they are close enough to be able to see them so often. Next we'll get Cade in May. Yay!

Dyo Dyo

Taking a time out from his cars to do a little kicking.

I love this picture of Joel and Poppy.

...which is the way Joel says his name. We all call him Jo Jo except Gabriel, who still prefers Joel (and corrects us if we try to call him Gabe). I caught Joel in the hall playing with matchbox cars one afternoon, just mumbling to himself, "mama, dyo dyo, mama, dyo dyo." So cute. Everything he does right now is SO STINKIN' CUTE!

He likes to say a long string of Joel words while he's got one arm up in the air and his thumb and forefinger pressed together. The only thing I've determined is that maybe he thinks he is King Joel addressing his minions. Jav thinks that he is trying to tell us something very important.

He's trying to run, and those pudgy rolls of leg are going to be slimming down soon, I fear.

He LOVES to play Gabriel's drums. And gleefully speeds through the house if he happens to get ahold of the drumsticks. I've noticed that instead of constant movement through the house, he is now sitting and playing with toys for ten minutes at a time. After telling people that I didn't think he would ever get into books like Gabriel seems to be, he is contradicting me by picking out books and happily looking through them all through the day.

He started blowing kisses to people last week. And adds a, "mmmmmmm wa"

He stretches his arms to the ceiling on command ("Stretchy, stretchy, stretchy, etc...) then drops them really slowly while audibly exhaling and saying, "ahhhhhhhhhhhhh". Something he learned from watching Mommy stretch. And speaking of Mommy, he comes to find me to give me a squeeze and a kiss behind the knees around every 15 minutes. I relish each and every one. The kid needs to teach at a school for hugging.

Food is a challenge right now, at least healthy food. He is a cheese, bread and fruit man. The only meat I can get down him is turkey sausage or bologna (at least it's turkey, right?). He likes peanut butter and jelly and scrambled eggs, so at least I have a few protein options. Vegetables are a complete and utter failure. I've tried every kind and not only will he not eat them, he doesn't even want them on the high chair tray. I felt like I was making a little progress last week when he actually picked up and tried cucumber one night and sweet potatoes the next. They both ended up back out of his mouth, but at least he tried them. Sigh.

He wants to be outside ALL the time. Which I would love if it weren't for his terrible allergies. They were so bad that he developed an ear infection. So his doctor put him on a nasal spray even though he usually waits until the child turns two.

Language is present, but only in Joel-form. He says "mama", "dada", "baba" (Gabriel), "Tita", "door" (we have no idea why) and can moo like a cow. We know he is understanding many more, but doesn't seem to want to repeat them when we tell them to him. It's a little frustrating, but he just gives me this look like, "All in good time, mama". All in good time.

From Disappointment to Bursting with Parental Pride

The grandmothers anxiously awaiting a performance that never came.

Jav and sister Sandra, who really should win the Tia of the Year award, every year.

Gabriel looks tense already, doesn't he? I was concerned at this point. Look at Joel hamming it up with his fake smile face. How do you know how to do a fake smile face when you're not even two?

We attended Gabriel's school fundraising event Thursday night, along with both grandmothers and one Tia. You see, he was supposed to get on stage and sing. But he didn't. He had a mini freak-out and started saying he wanted to go home as soon as the first group started getting off the stage. I had my hands full of a very cranky and Mommy-centric Joel, so Jav carried him up to the stage and hoped to talk him into joining his classmates. But no, he just wouldn't do it. So what to do as a parent? You can't take him kicking and screaming and make him stand up there. I wish I had just tuned out Joel and taken Gabriel myself, but that probably wouldn't have worked either. I had forgotten that last year the same thing almost happened, but we got lucky when one of his teachers passed our table on the way up to the stage and whisked Gabriel up there with her before he had a chance to protest.

I don't want Gabriel to have fear dictate to him what does and doesn't do as he grows up. I was that way for the better part of my life and have some regrets about it. I realize that he's still very young to be thinking about this. I guess I'm wondering, at what age do we sort of nudge him to do something that he really doesn't want to do, when we know that he will have fun doing it. I had a talk with him the next morning, and told him that after all that practicing that he sort of let down his classmates, his teachers, and most of all himself by not making himself get on stage and sing. He missed out on having some fun, and sharing his wonderful voice with all of us. He just kept saying, "But it's okay Mommy."

Then, later that same day, we visited the school where my dad is principal, Jo Kelly. We had not been for several years and his two secretaries really wanted to see Gabriel and meet Joel. My mom came too, since dad is about to retire and she may not get another chance to visit him there. Jo Kelly is the only Fort Worth public school where severely mentally and physically challenged kids can attend. I didn't realize that my dad wanted to take us around to classrooms, so I didn't have time to prepare Gabriel for anything. The kids are almost all in wheelchairs, and range from barely moving to having severe spasms, and from remaining totally quiet to verbal and sometimes shouting. The first classroom was quite a shock to the little guy, but my dad saw his face and leaned down to tell him that most of the kids here are disabled, but they are still kids just like him.

Gabriel proceeded to amaze me. He brightened right up, seemed to accept everyone just the way they were, started waving "Hi" to most of the kids, and even went up to talk to a few of the higher functioning kids when prompted by a teacher. He was downright charming with the teachers. I have never been so proud of him as I was walking through that school. And I told him so when we got back to the car. I really hope that he remembers the visit, and can continue to be accepting of people, especially kids, who are different.

Friend

Gabriel has a new friend. He is imaginary. He doesn't have a name; Gabriel just calls him "my kid". He has elaborate conversations with his kid. He provides a voice for him. He apparently sleeps under Gabriel's bed. They like to read books together.

Oh, and did I mention, the kid is twenty?

Hope he doesn't get Gabriel into any trouble!

OK, so when I originally posted this, I forgot to include the funniest part. When I tried to play along with this, and offered to kiss "his kid" goodnight too, Gabriel got really quiet and then said, "Mommy, I'm just pretending!" with a very distinct "duh" tone to his voice.

Not enough hours....

Technology is a blessing and a curse. There. That's my profound thought for the day.

I would love to post something in this blog every day. I constantly am thinking about quirky things I want to write about. Every day there's something about one of the boys I would love to post about to remember. Sometimes the thoughts leave me before I have a chance to get them recorded. It's been really hard to find the time to post things since I went back to work.

Facebook is something I've grown to really love. The best thing about it is that I get to keep up with friends and family who live out of town. But I also love keeping up with people from high school, especially the ones who were just acquaintances back then but I now realize they would have been really fun to know better. I've also started "liking" many places in the Metroplex so that we can keep up with what's going on. But all of this takes time. If I don't check it at all during the day, I will breeze through a whole day just before bed. It usually takes me about twenty minutes.

But the thing is, it's already 11 by the time I get into bed with the laptop and try to unwind. I don't have an extra 20 minutes to check Facebook. Or an extra half hour to blog. I need to start reading or going to sleep at that time, not hunch over the computer until I find myself dozing off. (Which, by the way, I'm doing right now).

I'm also in the habit now of checking my IPhone last thing before I go to bed and first thing when I wake up. I tell myself it's because it's an easy way to wake up a little more. But I'm starting to wonder if I'm addicted to the thing. I caught myself telling Gabriel to put his play cell phone down during meal times, just after I had been checking Facebook with mine at the table. FAIL at fair parenting.

I could take time away from the boys to try to do some of it, but that's really messed up. "Sorry, sweetie, Mommy is really busy writing down what just happened for a bunch of somewhat strangers and can't play with you right now." Or, "I know you just said a new word, Joel, but I'm still busy trying to tell everyone about the last word you learned. Could you slow it down a little?"

So I have a choice. I can 1) cut into Mommy and me time, or (2) decide to cut out some of the technology and therefore miss opportunities to record our life and keep up with every one else's, or (3) I could get less than 6 hours of sleep every night. Which is what I've been doing.

Yawn.

Kitchen drums, then and now